Posts Tagged ‘A Culture Of Trust’
SERVICE THROUGH EMPATHIC LISTENING
Excerpt From Relationships That Work: The Power Of Conscious Living
- By David B. Wolf
Another character from a novel, Josephus in Herman Hesse’s The Father Confessor, was renowned as a great healer. In Josephus “a gift slumbered, and with the passing years…it slowly came to flower. It was the gift of listening. Whenever a brother from one of the hermitages, or a child of the world harried and troubled of soul, came to Josephus and told him of his deeds, sufferings, temptations, and missteps…or spoke of his loss, pain or sorrow, Josephus knew how to listen to him, to open his ears and heart, to gather the man’s sufferings and anxieties into himself and hold them, so that the penitent was sent away emptied and calmed…
“He regarded every man the same way, whether he accused God or himself, whether he magnified or minimized his sins and sufferings, whether he confessed a killing or merely an act of lewdness, whether he lamented an unfaithful sweetheart or the loss of his soul’s salvation. It did not alarm Josephus when someone told of converse with demons…He did not lose patience when someone talked at great length while obviously concealing the main issue…All the complaints, confessions, charges, and qualms that were brought to him seemed to pour into his ears like water into the desert sands. He seemed to pass no judgment upon them and to feel neither pity nor contempt for the person confessing. Nevertheless, or perhaps for that very reason, whatever was confessed to him seemed not to be spoken into the void, but to be transformed, alleviated, and redeemed in the telling and being heard. Only rarely did he reply with a warning or admonition, even more rarely did he give advice, let alone any order. Such did not seem to be his function, and his callers apparently sensed that it was not. His function was to arouse confidence and be receptive, to listen patiently and lovingly, helping the imperfectly formed confession to take shape, inviting all that was dammed up or encrusted within each soul to flow and pour out…”
Josephus experienced severe struggles, and discovered his own healing in entering the world of others, serving them as an instrument in their healing. To serve another person—be it a friend caring for friend or a businessperson serving a customer—means understanding the needs, desires, thoughts and emotions of that person. This is empathy, a way of being that creates a culture of trust, supports self-realization and generates a climate of healing and healthy resolution. This is a key quality in life-enriching relationships that are based on honor and respect for each individual.
The essence of these techniques and principles—such as empathy, effective attending behavior and appropriate silence—is to view the world from the other person’s perspective. Seeing the worldview of someone does not mean being in agreement with that view. We can be secure in our viewpoint while understanding another perspective. In fact, an internal sense of security naturally translates to an openness to other frames of reference.
CREATING WITH OUR WORD
In The Beginning Was The Word
Just as the supreme creates with the word, we too create our lives with our word. Self-reflection is a core principle in personal growth, and it can be especially illuminating to consider our relationship with our word. In the Vedic tradition there is a literature called Upadeshamrita, or The Nectar of Instruction. The book concludes with a depiction of the most elevated spiritual consciousness, and it starts with a description of the importance of effective management of our words, for anyone interested in spiritual progress.
In the transformative communication seminars that I conduct we ask participants to examine the effects of kept and broken agreements. Typically, experiences and feelings connected with violated agreements include hurt, embarrassment, anger, betrayal, confusion, lack of clarity, disappointment and feeling devalued. Agreements honored are usually related with experiences such as trust, gratitude, responsibility, fulfillment, security, clarity, and respect. The purpose of such examination is not to moralize about the importance of keeping our promises. It’s about realizing how our relationship with our word affects our experience of life.
In this regard I suggest that there aren’t big or small agreements. Consider, for example, that I say, “I’ll call you tomorrow,” and I don’t call. We may think, “It’s no big deal.” With respect to our relationship, however, will the consequences noted above be in effect? Probably they will. At some level, your trust for me will likely diminish, and our relationship will be less whole.
Commitment is essential for self-development. Without it, we’re likely not going to significantly expand our possibilities and comfort zone. When we make agreements, we’ll probably find that, despite our best efforts, we sometimes don’t follow through. A strategy for handling broken agreements with integrity is a valuable tool for restoring relationships.
The Five As
An effective approach is the “five As”, which are 1) Acknowledge, 2) Accept responsibility, 3) Account, 4) Apologize, and 5) Amend. “Acknowledge” means to recognize that we have a broken agreement, and to express this to the person whom we transgressed. Accepting responsibility, the second of the As, denotes realization that I responded in a particular way that caused me to not honor my word. The third A is Account. Expression of accountability consists of genuinely explaining what happened. Apology is the fourth A, and it’s noteworthy that it’s fourth, not first. Oftentimes we act like apology is the first and only step in effectively handling a broken agreement. “I’m sorry” can be more about my need to restore my image, than about sincerely reinstating the soundness of the relationship. Amend is the fifth A, and consists of actively redressing the situation.
A Culture Of Trust
‘Tis a season for making resolutions, when we consider things we can do to better our lives. This is a powerful opportunity to enhance the culture of trust in our relationships, and within ourselves. My proposal is that we invoke special awareness of the effects in our life and relationships when we make an agreement and keep it.
