Posts Tagged ‘Assertive Communication’
OUR RESPONSIBILITY…
“Our responsibility is not to change others—though with our assertive expression they may change. Our responsibility is to assert our own truth in a manner that respects the rights of others.”
David B Wolf
INTEGRITY AND BOUNDARIES
Excerpt From Relationships That Work: The Power Of Conscious Living
- By David B. Wolf
To assert ourselves means to know ourselves. If I want to assert myself I need to know what I believe, what I feel, what I think and what is truly important for me. Thus, assertiveness is indispensable for a life of spiritual integrity. In examining my core principles, beliefs and aspirations, it is important to distinguish between what I think “should” be my principles, feelings and values, and what my actions actually reveal them to be. Such awareness is an important part of the process of spiritual development and genuine assertive expression.
Even if Robert’s reaction to his wife’s assertive expression is some form of fight or flight, Lisa’s assertiveness has assured that she is in her integrity. She has expressed her truth with courage and sensitivity. Our responsibility is not to change others—though with our assertive expression they may change. Our responsibility is to assert our own truth in a manner that respects the rights of others.
Additionally, with assertiveness Lisa establishes boundaries regarding how she is and is not willing to be treated. It is said that we teach people how to treat us, and with assertive expression we consciously give lessons on what we are and what we are not ready to tolerate. Personal power, including the ability to create satisfying boundaries, comes from effective communication.
Non-judgmental understanding is a valuable commodity. As you become a better listener, you may find that more and more people seek you out. This itself can present a challenge, one in which it is important to know how to establish personal boundaries. Being assertive means that we are able to maintain healthy boundaries that prevent us from becoming jaded, drained and of little use to anyone, without building walls that isolate us from others.
Knowing how to say no is an essential tool in creating boundaries. Influenced by a desire to please people and to be liked, we may lack the assertiveness to say no when we really want to. Let us keep in mind that if we say yes to something, we are implicitly also saying no to other things. For example, if I say yes to working overtime, I may be saying no to family or recreation time. Perhaps I am saying yes to fear of losing my job.
Proficiency in assertive expression keeps us energized and continually inspired to relate, give and contribute. Research among helping professionals has led to the development of a new field of study—compassion fatigue. This phrase refers to feelings of depletion from constantly absorbing the pain of others. Immediately following a traumatic event, such as a natural disaster or a violent attack, a team of helpers, including doctors, counselors, nurses and social workers, is sent to the scene. Nowadays, as a matter of course, a few days later a second team of mental health professionals is dispatched to address the compassion fatigue of the first team. It is understood that after being present for and intensely absorbing such intense grief for several days, many persons will naturally need intervention. This recognizes the importance of having sound boundaries in place when it comes to emotionally charged exchanges, and indicates the value of assertive communication. Preserving boundaries is integral to steadily participating in life and relationships with joy, appreciation and compassion.
From the Courses in Vrindavan, India
Read some comments from graduates of the recent Satvatove Vrndavana experience.
After the Foundational Seminar S. K. Boehm commented “It was a mind-blowing experience.” And after the Advanced Seminar Experience she wrote “The Satvatove Advanced Seminar opened new dimensions of myself to me. I am now able to do things I thought to be impossible before. I got some great tools for communication and relationships. I realized that I have much unused potential in myself, which I am now going to apply in my life.”
Stefano, father of Sanaka (who organized these Vrndavana seminars), expressed:
“Thank you for allowing me to participate in the Satvatove courses in Vrndavana. This was a kind of journey inside myself. Due to my intense desire to change and the great help of Sanaka, I experienced amazing results. The most important result for me- it was feeling my heart opening to the love for my son. I found my son after 32 years.”
And Maria, Sanaka’s mother, shared: “During my life I have tried many things in the attempt to overcome my self-destructive mental and emotional tendencies and habits. The Satvatove seminar was the most powerful healing experience to date; it was an amazing journey that brought me from the darkness of my heart to the light of my genuine healthy self. I experienced the seminar as a sort of rebirth, guided and supported by loving, dedicated and qualified people.”
Priya, who travelled from Florida to India for the courses, wrote “…I had a magical experience with all of you…”
A sannyasi is a member of the renounced order of life in the Vedic spiritually-based social system. We had a sannyasi in the Vrndavana courses- Visnu Swami, who shared:
“I feel really good after the Satvatove Experience. In the beginning when David was talking about transformation I thought that it was just a catchy way to sell the Satvatove advanced course. But to my pleasant surprise I feel transformed. The entire world looks different now. I feel more confident, balanced and capable then I ever did. I feel that now with clear intention and…accountability, actually with just everything from Satvatove, I can achieve anything. For a long time I ‘ve been wanting to get a few things established in my day and life, like an exercise program, reading and studying etc and now I am actually doing them. I am not stressed out all the time like I used to be. …The whole experience has just been magical. And being with this special group made it even better. I really don’t think it would have been the same magic with a different group….I got in a little disagreement with my little brother. I hurt his feelings. I was annoyed with him and he was annoyed with me. Normally when this happens I just say something that makes me feel that I am the ‘good guy’ and that makes me feel that I am right, we would ignore what happened and forget about it (or pretend to forget about it). But this time I busted out the Satvatove stuff and really listened to him and reflected. It worked!! The bad feelings all disappeared and we had an amazingly close connection with each other. It was great!!”
From Bimala Naysmith, about the Foundational Seminar- “I had already participated in the Foundational before, so I somewhat knew what to expect. I don’t think though I had anticipated how much I would realise this time round. I definitely feel this really is the beginning for me…”
And about his Advanced Course experience- “The Advanced Course really allowed me to get in touch with myself- Allowing me to communicate and understand others around me in a far deeper and richer way. I have already used some of the tools in my communication with my partner and understand where she is coming from and what she is saying…”
Jay:
Foundational- “I can see how if the number of people with these tools increased, so would the quality of communication…”
Advanced- “… I have never cried so much. I have never laughed so much. I have never danced so much. I miss the experience in all its intensity, fear, and joy. I felt so safe and vulnerable at the same time. It was a challenge for me to break through the numbness and though I did not feel as successful as others, that was my challenge: to fight that numbness and learn more about myself regardless. What a grand group of people to have on that journey!
“Though it is too soon to honestly know the true difference, I definitely feel a change between the person I was walking in, and the person I was walking out. …I feel like I got more of an idea of what I want out of life and who I am as a person. …Thank you once again for my experience. I have shared with so many people the alternative perspective you brought about, especially taking responsibility for the choices I make…”
Celine:
I had a breakthrough during a debate (one could even say argument;o)) …where at first neither of us wanted to get into the other’s world, so we just kept emphasizing our own point/experience. The conversation was going downhill fast and I realized that I could choose to get into his world. I knew it would make him feel happy and understood. However, my ego didn’t want to because I was worried that my point wouldn’t be heard in the end, or would end up being minimized if I understood and valued his….:o) BUT I decided to do some reflective listening anyway, and I actually ended up finding it quite fun. As he got more and more happy and felt more and more understood, I found myself actually loving it and getting really into the empathy of it. By the end I was shocked to find that I didn’t even care about my point being heard, and EVEN more shocking is that by the end of it I didn’t even care much about my point altogether; It no longer mattered to me as much as it had at first……and I felt uplifted…… So I will try this again, especially when I am attached to not letting go of my view/point….I’ll even gather the courage to try it with those close to me, where it is needed most, and yet harder to do. I’ll risk my point not being valued, in order to create a space where those close to me feel honored, and their point valued……..”
Talking Can Beat Workplace Stress
Originally from CourierPostOnline.com • September 1, 2008
Written by Anita Bruzzese
Do you feel like no one at your workplace really listens or understands you?
If so, you’re not alone. And, if those feelings sometimes make you feel angry, depressed or frustrated, then you’re really not alone.
David Wolf, founder of the nonprofit Satvatove Institute (www.satvatove.com) in Florida, said that a lack of employee communication has led to many problems in the workplace, prompting many workers to feel that they have no control over what happens on the job. And that, he said, it what leads to so much unhappiness and dissatisfaction — not only at work, but at home.
“You have to decide: Is life happening to me or am I the author of my life?” said Wolf, a communications coach. “What is your perspective? Are you being responsible for what happens, or are you just being tossed by the waves?”
He stresses that no matter what the situation at work, we can “claim our power.”
“That means that no matter how someone might be behaving at work, we can choose how to respond,” he said.
For example, instead of getting stressed and angry when a co-worker is late with a project, you can choose to be more patient, or you can choose to admit that you’re angry, but to express it in a healthy way. (“I’m angry that the report is late. I need you to honor your commitments so that I don’t fall behind in my work.”)
Further, Wolf said our workplace stress and frustrations could be eased by spending more time seeing a situation from another perspective. One way to do that is by writing three different viewpoints of a situation at work that was tough. By putting yourself in someone else’s shoes, you can gain a greater understanding of how you could have reacted differently, he said.
Wolf also urges workers to spend more time with face-to-face interactions, rather than relying on e-mail or instant messaging.
“I’m not blaming technology for communication problems, but I do think it creates a barrier,” he said. “Half of what we understand from someone else comes from nonverbal communications. Even if you’re writing an old-fashioned letter, you take the time to dispassionately choose your words to convey your emotions. But with e-mail and texting, it’s the worst of both worlds — you’re missing nonverbal cues and you’re responding spontaneously, without carefully choosing your words. It can cause a lot of miscommunication.”
Wolf said it’s also important for employees to focus on what they can do to improve communications with others in order to make themselves feel more in control of job situations. Some workers, he said, fall into the “I’m a victim” trap, which can not only make them ineffective and unproductive, but bug the heck out of other people.
He is quick to point out, however, that being a victim and being victimized are two different things.
“If your house is burglarized, then that is wrong and unfair and you may feel angry or hurt. That’s being victimized. But if five years go by and you’re still complaining bitterly about how the burglar ruined your life, then you’re being a victim,” he said.
“You can’t change the past, but you can decide how you will deal with it,” Wolf said. “Some people stay in a place of bitterness and resentment because they get something out of it. They may complain and gripe and hang on to the resentment rather than change. They would rather do that than risk failure.”
Wolf, author of “Relationships That Work: The Power of Conscious Living,” (Mandala Publishing, $14.95) said that by changing the “lens” with which we look at our jobs, our colleagues and our bosses, we can change our perspective. And that, he said, is what can lead to great happiness, fulfillment and contentment in all areas of our lives.
“Understanding can be like air for us. When the wind is knocked out of us, we just want air. That’s all anyone wants, is some understanding,” he said. “If we do that for people, we can transform our workplace.”
Radio Show
How to Deal With “Desk Rage”
Author Advises How to Deal With “Desk Rage”
By Sheryl Silver
“If you’re on the receiving end of someone’s desk rage, understanding is a powerful tool to employ,” said Wolf. “If we can show that we understand what the person raging is saying, we can often diffuse the situation and help them deal with their grievance(s) in a calmer, more effective way.”
David B. Wolf, PhD, author
Relationships That Work: The Power of Conscious Living
You’ve probably heard of road rage — but what about “desk rage”? It’s a term used to describe the hostility and on-the-job outbursts people experience when they can no longer control their anger or cope with frustrations at work.
Desk rage isn’t a new phenomenon but according to David B. Wolf, PhD, author of Relationships That Work: The Power of Conscious Living, it appears to be on the rise.
“I don’t have statistics to document the increase in desk rage,” said Wolf, “but anecdotally, I am hearing about it more lately from managers with whom I do coaching.”
The stresses of the current economy may be a contributing factor. Besides rising fuel prices and lower home values, Wolf pointed out that after companies cut their employee ranks, as many have done recently, the remaining employees tend to inherit the tasks their terminated co-workers handled.
“Typically, these employees are asked to handle the increased workload with no increase in salary and no real expectation of job security,” said Wolf. “The situation is a recipe for frustration and a rise in desk rage.”
While Wolf says most people don’t handle desk rage well, he believes they can learn to cope more successfully with it by employing certain communication techniques.
For starters, Wolf said it’s important to remain emotionally neutral when an episode of desk rage occurs. “Sometimes the anger being expressed is about a third party — a boss, another co-worker. But even if the rage is directed at you, don’t react defensively,” said Wolf. “Take a deep breath, keep your voice low, and remember the person’s rage isn’t really about you.”
The key, according to Wolf, is not letting fear or your own anger take hold in such a situation. “If you’re on the receiving end of someone’s desk rage, understanding is a powerful tool to employ,” said Wolf. “If we can show that we understand what the person raging is saying, we can often diffuse the situation and help them deal with their grievance(s) in a calmer, more effective way.”
“Understanding, by the way, does not necessarily mean agreeing with the person,” added Wolf. “Sometimes we might think the person is justified in their anger but sometimes we don’t. How we respond to the person expressing the anger, however, is key to de-escalating the rage factor.”
“Mirroring” what the person is saying is one way to convey your understanding. This approach involves restating, as best you can, what you just heard the person say to you. For example, if the raging co-worker said, “You screwed up my presentation by not having the report I asked for. We’re going to lose this client thanks to you!” you could respond, “I know you’re furious. You’re upset I didn’t have the report you requested and think this could jeopardize our client contract.”
“This approach allows the outraged co-worker an opportunity to confirm that what you heard and understood was correct — or to say, No, that’s not what I said,” noted Wolf. “When this technique is utilized in labor/management negotiations, it’s helped to speed the result because it helps prevent misunderstanding while creating an atmosphere of understanding.”
What if you’re not on the receiving end of desk rage but feel as if you’re the person about to explode at work? Wolf recommends taking a deep breath and stating the facts of the situation upsetting you — minus any anger. For example, you might say, “The last time we met, you agreed to be at work on time daily and to call me if you were going to be late. Three days in the past week, you arrived more than a half hour late — and one of those delays was during a staff meeting when I really needed your assistance.”
Next, Wolf suggests using “I” statements to express how you feel. Regarding the previous situation, you might say, “I was frustrated by this and feel disrespected.” He suggests avoiding “you” statements such as “You made me angry.”
Finally, tell the person you’re annoyed with what you need or want, again using “I” statements. With the incident above, you could state, “I want an assistant who is respectful and responsible. I need you to honor your agreements.”
What’s the point of this approach? “We’re not denying our anger but by communicating in a less emotional and judgmental way, we’re maximizing the potential to have our concerns heard and acted upon positively,” said Wolf.
Tips for Dealing with Desk Rage–Theirs and Yours
With rising fuel costs, longer commutes, and threatened layoffs, workplace morale is at an all-time low–and frustration is on the rise. In many cases, workers are being asked to do more work for less pay. The result? Frustration and desk rage are rampant in the workplace.
What do you do when faced with a hostile or difficult co-worker? What can you do if you feel rage rising in yourself? Here are some time-proven techniques to diffuse workplace frustration and dispel desk rage.
When someone rages at you:
Blank out your emotions. Stay emotionally neutral. Take a breath, keep your voice low and slow, and don’t take it personally. His rage is not about you. It’s about him. Don’t let fear or your own anger take hold.
Restate, restate, restate. Restate in your own words, as best you can, what you just heard. Don’t add judgments or interpretations. For example, the raging coworker says, “You screwed up my presentation by not having the report I asked you for! We’re gonna lose this client, thanks to you!” You might respond, “I know you’re furious with me. You’re upset that I didn’t have the report you requested, and you think this could jeopardize our client contract.”
Be a mirror. Each time he comes back at you, accurately reflect back what he just said. He’ll quickly see you’re not his enemy, and that you’re listening to him and understanding him. Watch how this simple technique converts hostility into reasonable dialogue.
When you’re feeling rage at someone else:
Just the facts, ma’am. Simply state the facts of what happened. Don’t interpret or analyze them. For example, you might say, “You agreed to be at work on time, and to call me if you were going to be late. Three days in the past week you arrived more than a half hour late–and one of those days was a staff meeting where I really needed your assistance.”
Give it a feeling. Next, use “I” statements to express how you feel. For example, “I am frustrated by this and feel disrespected.” Avoid “you” statements, such as “You made me angry.”
Need and want. Finally, tell the person what you need or want, using “I” statements again. So you might say, “I want an assistant who is respectful and responsible. I need you to honor your agreements.”
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David Wolf, PhD is a life skills coach and social worker, a workplace communications specialist, and the author of Relationships That Work: The Power of Conscious Living (Mandala Publishing, 2008, $14.95). He teaches transformative communication at Satvatove Institute (www.satvatove.com), a educational nonprofit organization he founded, based in north Florida.
