Posts Tagged ‘Assertiveness’
ASSERTIVENESS
Excerpt From Relationships That Work: The Power Of Conscious Living
- By David B. Wolf
It happens to all of us that at times we have something difficult to say, something that might be unpleasant for others to hear. How should we go about expressing ourselves? There are three basic ways to do so, which correspond to the three main modes of material nature, as discussed before. These three modes are passivity, aggressiveness and assertiveness. Corresponding qualities connected with each mode of expression are given below.
| Passivity | Aggressiveness | Assertiveness |
| scared | abrasive | bold |
| insecure | Cocky | confident |
| Nervous | Harsh | considerate |
| Inhibited | Bully | secure |
| Anxious | Arrogant | empathetic |
| self-deprecating | Insensitive | straightforward |
| Indecisive | Loud | honest |
| Weak | Obnoxious | courageous |
| Fragile | Selfish | open |
It is obvious that assertiveness is the most desirable form of expression. Consider the following example. Say that Robert has agreed with his wife Lisa that he will be home from work at 6 p.m., and that he will call if he is late. How will she react when he comes home at midnight several nights in a row without calling her? In a passive mode, she may not say anything out of fear of disturbing the peace, whereas inside herself she may be building anger and mistrust. This is related to the mode of tamas, which is characterized by fear and inactivity. In an aggressive mode she may scream and threaten Robert. This correlates with the mode of rajas, symptomized by reactivity.
Neither of these modes is likely to create productive communication. If Lisa is passive, Robert may not even be aware that there is a problem, and may appreciate his wife for her tolerance and understanding. If she is aggressive, decent communication is likely to be hindered as well, and Robert may either withdraw or answer with hostility from his side. None of these exchanges—fight or flight—culminates in frank and satisfying discussion.
With passivity, Lisa’s implicit message is: “You count. I don’t.” With aggressiveness it is: “I count. You don’t.” Assertiveness conveys, “You matter, as do I.” In assertiveness we take a stand, make our voice heard, in a way that honors others. Assertiveness is simultaneously bold and empathic, courageous and considerate. This quality of assertiveness is inherent to our integrity as human beings. A life of integrity entails expressing what we are meant to express in an honest and gentle way. Lacking this, we live a life controlled by fear. Integrity also demands that in expressing ourselves we are respectful of others, and that in claiming our rights we also honor the rights of others. Assertiveness means that even if we are expressing a truth that may be difficult or painful for others to receive, we are not doing it in a hurtful way. It is possible to speak about that which is unpleasant without actually being unpleasant. Rather than attempting to do damage, we endeavor to understand and to be understood—from a place of compassion.
BEING ASSERTIVE
“Being assertive means that we are able to maintain healthy boundaries that prevent us from becoming jaded, drained and of little use to anyone, without building walls that isolate us from others.”
David B. Wolf
Real Life Personal Transformation: A Satvatove Before and After Experience
Hear and see Stephanie before and after participating in the Satvatove Institute 34-hour Transformative Communication and Self-Empowerment Seminar.
ASSERTIVENESS TRAINING COACHING LETTER
Excerpt From A Coaching Letter - By David B. Wolf
“Assertive” doesn’t mean abrasive or offensive. It means you being connected with who you are and asserting that. Also it means detached. Assertiveness is not merely a skill; it’s intrinsic to a life of integrity. By not being assertive we are not fulfilling our destiny – expressing ourselves in a way that’s powerful, courageous, and considerate, empathic, honoring others, giving them safe space to respond to our communication. We express ourselves fully. Whatever the result, we are in our integrity, which in itself is success. We’ve expressed our truth without compromising, in a manner not meant to harm or degrade others.
ASSERTIVENESS…
“Assertiveness is not merely a skill; it’s intrinsic to a life of integrity”
David B. Wolf
INTEGRITY AND BOUNDARIES
Excerpt From Relationships That Work: The Power Of Conscious Living
- By David B. Wolf
To assert ourselves means to know ourselves. If I want to assert myself I need to know what I believe, what I feel, what I think and what is truly important for me. Thus, assertiveness is indispensable for a life of spiritual integrity. In examining my core principles, beliefs and aspirations, it is important to distinguish between what I think “should” be my principles, feelings and values, and what my actions actually reveal them to be. Such awareness is an important part of the process of spiritual development and genuine assertive expression.
Even if Robert’s reaction to his wife’s assertive expression is some form of fight or flight, Lisa’s assertiveness has assured that she is in her integrity. She has expressed her truth with courage and sensitivity. Our responsibility is not to change others—though with our assertive expression they may change. Our responsibility is to assert our own truth in a manner that respects the rights of others.
Additionally, with assertiveness Lisa establishes boundaries regarding how she is and is not willing to be treated. It is said that we teach people how to treat us, and with assertive expression we consciously give lessons on what we are and what we are not ready to tolerate. Personal power, including the ability to create satisfying boundaries, comes from effective communication.
Non-judgmental understanding is a valuable commodity. As you become a better listener, you may find that more and more people seek you out. This itself can present a challenge, one in which it is important to know how to establish personal boundaries. Being assertive means that we are able to maintain healthy boundaries that prevent us from becoming jaded, drained and of little use to anyone, without building walls that isolate us from others.
Knowing how to say no is an essential tool in creating boundaries. Influenced by a desire to please people and to be liked, we may lack the assertiveness to say no when we really want to. Let us keep in mind that if we say yes to something, we are implicitly also saying no to other things. For example, if I say yes to working overtime, I may be saying no to family or recreation time. Perhaps I am saying yes to fear of losing my job.
Proficiency in assertive expression keeps us energized and continually inspired to relate, give and contribute. Research among helping professionals has led to the development of a new field of study—compassion fatigue. This phrase refers to feelings of depletion from constantly absorbing the pain of others. Immediately following a traumatic event, such as a natural disaster or a violent attack, a team of helpers, including doctors, counselors, nurses and social workers, is sent to the scene. Nowadays, as a matter of course, a few days later a second team of mental health professionals is dispatched to address the compassion fatigue of the first team. It is understood that after being present for and intensely absorbing such intense grief for several days, many persons will naturally need intervention. This recognizes the importance of having sound boundaries in place when it comes to emotionally charged exchanges, and indicates the value of assertive communication. Preserving boundaries is integral to steadily participating in life and relationships with joy, appreciation and compassion.
FROM ENID SACASA
My experience with the Satvatove advanced seminar was nothing less than amazing! I feel alive, happy, and brand new after having completed the course. I have reconnected with so many long hidden qualities such as assertiveness and self confidence. I am definitely feeling empowered to speak out and let my voice be heard. I have turned self hatred into self love. My commitment to maintaining my spiritual practices has deepened and for this I am most grateful.
Even down to the smallest detail, every aspect of the course has helped me to grow. I have learned practical ways to continue to make positive changes in my life as well. I spend much less time feeling sad and unhappy, and I feel more enthusiastic to move forward towards meeting my goals.
I have also learned the value of sharing honestly with others, and being real about who I am. I have a greater ability to choose the mood I want to experience, and not be carried away by depression. The advanced course has helped me to clear away tons of negative energy that I have been carrying around for years.
To anyone who is experiencing frustration and unhappiness in their lives I would definitely recommend the Satvatove courses.
Enid Sacasa – Teacher
Advanced seminar – Florida July 2010
Foundational, S. California – June 24 – 26, 2011
Reconnect With Dr. David Wolf’s Workshop
At Master of Influence
Dr. David Wolf has been invited to facilitate the 32-hour Satvatove
Foundational Seminar in San Diego, June 24 – 26, 2011. We are opening this
course to those who participated in David’s presentation at the Master of Influence,
and who have been inspired by his book, Relationships That Work: The Power of
Conscious Living. This is a unique opportunity to take Dr. Wolf’s renowned
seminar in California. See below for more information and to register
TRANSFORMATIVE COMMUNICATION
& SELF–EMPOWERMENT EXPERIENCE
June 24-26, 2011
Developed & Facilitated By: David Wolf, Ph.D.
Spend An Unforgettable Weekend!
Focus On Your Personal Development,
Communication & Relationships
Because It Is Short Notice You Get The Special
Discount Usually Offered Only In Florida
Register Now & Get A 40% Discount
Bring A Friend Or Partner For Only $200
Come To The Satvatove Foundational Seminar To:
Transform potential into results!
Break through self-imposed limitations!
Discover strategies for vitalizing yourself to create a fulfilling life with extraordinary results.
Learn communication and relationship principles and techniques that will last a lifetime and that will grow with you.
Walk away with skills and insights you can apply immediately in all your relationships- with your partner, children, colleagues and yourself.
What Would It Mean For You To Substantially Improve Your Relationships, With Yourself And Others?
Take advantage of the unique opportunity of the Satvatove Foundational Seminar! This is a 3-day adventure in daring communication and bold exploration to interior frontiers.
Here you will acquire a full relationship toolbox, including listening tools as a basis for modules including interpersonal skills, conflict resolution, teamwork, and assertiveness.
Through participatory activities you will examine underlying assumptions by which you live your life. This is a concentrated, powerful communication training, culminating in sharpened self-awareness and satisfying relationships.
Are You Eager To Experience Life With Increased Fullness And Inspiration?
“This Satvatove seminar in Gainesville, Florida, just in my back yard, was better than any seminars I have taken in New York or LA. After taking it, I felt empowered, and did transform my relationships with my parents, my partner, and my colleagues at work. I am now able to create trust. I am now moving on with my life and I do not get caught up in the drama.”
– Helen Robert, Teacher
In this seminar you will experience an atmosphere of trust and security allowing you the space to explore meaningful issues. David and Marie’s unwavering empathy and compassionate, astute perceptions provide a safe, supportive environment for students to challenge themselves to create significant breakthroughs.
“The seminar is expertly organized without a dull moment. Dr. Wolf creates a safe environment in which I could explore my emotional needs and step out of a sometimes overly analytical approach to life. I am able to relate more meaningfully to loved ones, colleagues and acquaintances. Every attendee in my seminar was moved and awakened by this excellent experience.”
– Bob Cohen, Geologist
How Satisfied Are You With Your Present Life Situation, And How Willing Are You To Try Something Different?
To Read More Testimonials About The Foundational Course Click Here.
Download Brochure.
Course Information:
Date: June 24 – 26, 2011
Where: San Diego, California
Course hours: 9 am to 9 pm (ending time approximate)
1.5-hour lunch break each day
Tuition: $950.00
Tuition includes: 32-hour seminar, 1-hour personal coaching interview, and course workbook.
Scholarships, Group Discounts and Payment plans are available.
Because It Is Short Notice You Get The Special
Discount Usually Offered Only In Florida
Register Now & Get A 40% Discount- Pay Only $570
Bring A Friend Or Partner For Only $200
100% SATISFACTION GUARANTEED!
If you are not satisfied you can request in writing a refund of the tuition
within 24 hours of the end of the seminar.
For Further Information, Contact Us:
386.462.1438; seminars@satvatove.com
CLEAR INTENTION
Excerpt From A Coaching Letter Written By David B Wolf
“Clear intention” intrinsically means that we don’t know how the result will manifest. We may have a plan A, and a plan B. Even if all our plans fall through and don’t work, still we are clear that the result will occur. You say it very nicely- “Between effort and result there is a space.” There is no inherent connection. It is a mystic process, in the sense that the Supreme Mystic is the personal mechanism to fulfill clear intention. As described in Bhagavad-gita, causes for results include the senses, the endeavor, the doer, the place, and ultimately the Supersoul. Clear intention is a way of being that honors that divine space between action and result.
Clear intention, placing consciousness in results, and commitment, are ways of being. My understanding is that they are ways of being consistent with our spiritual nature. If we are committed to a result, and the outcome doesn’t manifest as we had hoped, this is an opportunity to look at ourselves, to examine what was in the way of my intention manifesting the results I desired, what is it about my consciousness such that the result is what it is, instead of something different and more satisfying. I know that you are taking this introspective track in your life, as evidenced in your letter, “obviously I need to look at myself.” So, whatever the results of our endeavors and intentions, it is healthy to look at ourselves to learn, improve and refine our character and efforts.
That said, even if we are completely situated in spiritual principles, fully fixed in clear intention, that doesn’t guarantee a result. I offer that that does maximize the possibility that the intended outcome will occur. Empathy is a way of being. Living in empathy maximizes opportunities for sweet, connected and satisfying relationships. Does it guarantee it? No. Assertiveness is a way of being, an integral element of our integrity. It doesn’t guarantee successful external results, though being assertive will very frequently be more effective than aggressiveness or excessive passivity. Stretch, growth, win/win, “on contract”, accountability, etc. – these are ways of being that facilitate a life of fulfillment, excellence and extraordinary results.
These ways of being are part of our integrity. Even in those circumstances when such ways of being don’t produce the external results we desire, internally we are in integrity, and that in itself is success, perhaps the greatest success.
A LIFE OF INTEGRITY
“Assertiveness is not just a communication skill; it’s a principle that is intrinsic to a life of integrity.”
David Wolf
