Posts Tagged ‘communication’
LEADERSHIP
“The art of communication is the language of leadership.”
James Humes
MORE THAN WORDS
Excerpt From Relationships That Work: The Power Of Conscious Living
- By David B. Wolf
To be understood is a basic human desire. To know how to effectively listen and convey understanding is a key element in expressing love and care. Illuminating this principle, philosopher Paul Tillich once remarked that the first duty of love is to listen. Listening becomes especially important when we realize that as people we come together in community. A characteristic of genuine community is that conflicts and tensions are addressed, or communicated, in ways that enhance closeness and mutual understanding. According to psychologist Rollo May, “Communication leads to community, that is, to understanding, intimacy and mutual valuing.” In this chapter we will examine communication principles and strategies that facilitate deeper connection on a spiritual level. These principles and techniques are effective for anyone interested in high-level interpersonal living.
Studies have shown that in expressing our feelings and attitudes, only about 7 percent of what we communicate is conveyed through words. About 38 percent of communication is paralinguistic, referring to certain qualities of our voice such as tone, emphasis, volume, inflection and pitch. Think about the vastly different paralinguistic behavior of saying “How are you doing?” as a social formality, compared with “How are you doing?” expressed to a person who is dear to us, whom we have not seen for many years.
Research has indicated that about 55 percent of communication regarding feelings and attitudes is non-verbal, meaning not related to our voice in any way. There have been studies with college students and their teachers in which the students knew they were part of the experiment and the professors were unaware they were being studied. During a lecture the students were instructed to exhibit classic elements of what is known as attending behavior. These include sitting squarely, in open-body position, leaning forward slightly and making comfortable eye contact. The result was that the professors would speak spontaneously, make eye contact and be animated in their motions. At a certain cue the students would switch to poor non-verbal attending behavior. The teachers’ demeanor changed, becoming stiff. They began speaking in a monotone, looking down and reading from their notes. Although we may not be conscious of it, our non-verbal behavior affects others in a profound way.
The term psychotherapy derives from two Greek words: psyche, indicating the self or soul; and therapeia, meaning to attend to. To be a therapeutic influence for someone entails attending with our entire being, including our consciousness, words, tone, body language, and facial expressions. The physical aspects of proper attending behavior can be summed up as SOLE.
Sitting squarely
Open-body position
Leaning forward slightly
Eye contact
If we want to attend to someone, essentially we want to convey sincere interest, respect and caring, so that the person feels valued. Elements of SOLE are helpful in communicating this. Of course, in practical application we should consider circumstances such as culture. The meaning of eye contact between genders, or a particular body space, may contain varying messages across different cultures. Or perhaps we may be speaking on the phone, or in a car, where constituents of standard good attending are not practical. However, when it is practically appropriate, applying SOLE will usually enhance mutual trust in communication.
BELIEF BARRIERS
Excerpt From Relationships That Work: The Power Of Conscious Living
- By David B. Wolf
Perhaps you are familiar with the story of the four-minute mile. It used to be considered an unreachable goal for a human being. In 1954, Roger Bannister ran a mile in under four minutes. Within a year thirty-seven runners had done the same; within two years 300 runners had accomplished this feat. The barrier was not physical. It was a barrier of belief.
What are some belief barriers that you are holding onto? Identify what you are telling yourself—about yourself, about life, about commitment, wealth and happiness—that prevents you from full achievement. It is a principle of creation that things go from subtle to gross. (For example any invention begins subtly, with thought.) Change begins in the world of ideas. What is happening externally is a reflection of what is happening internally. Shining the light of awareness on what is going on inside uncovers creative potential that has been locked away.
Examples of belief barriers in the area of abundance could include “Rich people are cheaters,” “If I am wealthy I can’t be spiritual” and “If I have a lot of money I will lose my friends.” Now, I don’t want to be a cheater, I like to think of myself as spiritual, and I want friends. So if these thoughts are going on inside me, then despite my efforts to improve my financial situation, I will sabotage myself. Perhaps I am maintaining beliefs such as “I am not trustworthy,” “I am not lovable,” or “I am powerless.” Because subtle leads to gross, I will create situations that confirm my sense of not being trustworthy, lovable or powerful.
Looking squarely and concretely at what we are saying to ourselves permits us to change that inner conversation, and transform our lives. French novelist Marcel Proust wrote, “The real act of discovery consists not in finding new lands but in seeing with new eyes.” If we are rigidly set in our paradigms (sets of interrelated assumptions that form the way we perceive reality and relate to the world), we may not recognize potential breakthroughs available to us.
Much of this book focuses on changing our experience of life through transforming our communication with others. However, transformative communication begins with awareness and metamorphosis of our communication with ourselves. Exploration of belief barriers is observation of self-communication. In following the process described in this book you will learn principles, strategies and tools to transform this inner talk and profoundly alter your experience of self and the world.
There are numerous examples where “new eyes,” or an alternate perspective, has fostered groundbreaking discovery. In the 1930s, Chester Carlton invented a device that produced photographic images using a specially coated metal plate, bright light and a fine black powder. His supervisor at Kodak Company was not interested in this innovative way of creating images, and did not encourage Carlton’s endeavors. Carlton however persisted. The Xerox company, with a fresh perspective, went on to develop this method for electrostatic photography, and in 1948 introduced the world’s first photocopier.
In the late sixties, Swiss watchmakers enjoyed 65 percent of the world market share. Then Swiss researchers invented a fully electronic, battery-operated quartz-movement watch, more accurate than conventional mechanical watches. Watch manufacturers in Switzerland however didn’t believe that this represented the future of timepieces. Japanese manufacturers acquired the technology from the Swiss, and soon the market was flooded with digital watches. Within a decade Swiss market share had plunged to less than 10 percent.
Not seeing beyond our axiomatic assumptions can be costly. A coaching client once described her realization that while she was in a certain relationship, she wasn’t able to see her boyfriend for who he was. Rather, she saw him through her assumptions, her set of expectations of how she believed he should be. “I had this idea, I just assumed it was true, that because of him our relationship wasn’t working. I was constantly looking at him to find the source of our problems. He had to change; he was never really okay in my eyes. My way of thinking was infectious. At one point he even told me that he’s not good enough for me, just like I’d been projecting onto him. I broke up with him. Now I’m seeing with completely different eyes. I realize that I don’t see myself as good enough. How I was treating him was about what I sense is lacking in me.”
The above examples illustrate the value in examining our assumptions about life. In the process described in these pages you are invited to explore assumptions you hold in each area of your life, and how well they work for you. To effect profound personal change through this process involves being open and willing to learn. This book provides a structure consisting of principles, skills and processes to inspire progress in whatever domain you choose. Our sets of assumptions constitute our conditioning for relating to the world, our box for thinking, feeling and acting.
FROM WAYNE
“This Foundational course will provide the foundation in my life for excellent communication and success in all avenues, material and spiritual. I am very grateful to David, Marie, and all of the staff for this wonderful seminar. Thank you all of you.”
WARMTH, EMPATHY & GENUINENESS
Excerpt From Relationships That Work: The Power Of Conscious Living
- By David B. Wolf
Researchers have conducted a multitude of studies on the effects of the many types of therapies to determine which approaches are most effective in helping someone feel better and solve problems. These studies have indicated that outcomes are not primarily correlated with the type of counseling being practiced. What do correlate highly with positive outcomes are the qualities of the counselor. The essential qualities of an effective helper are warmth, empathy and genuineness (WEG). That is to say, regardless of the theoretical orientation of the counselor or school of techniques used, the extent to which the practitioners possessed warmth, empathy and genuineness directly corresponded with successful results. Warmth, empathy and genuineness are inherent qualities of the self. Thus effective helping is not dependent on university degrees or experience in the mental health professions. (In fact, such training can even be a barrier. In one study only about 13 percent of mental health professionals responded with empathy to a depressed client.)
It is important to note that true warmth is not a sentimental emotive expression. It is sincere understanding and caring. We do not want to use warmth to cover for lack of competence in communication skills. Natural warmth inspires trust. With empathy we understand the other person’s perspective. This does not mean that we necessarily agree with that perspective; we can leave our frame of reference without abandoning it.
Genuineness means that we are authentic and spontaneous. While acknowledging that we may play various roles in life, we do not hide behind those roles. For example, though a person might recognize that he is the manager, child, youngest or senior member of a group, counselor or parent in a relationship, he does not allow these roles to become an obstacle to genuine human interaction.
FROM PETER
“Hey everyone.
I have never been a person to really go deep here but I am not afraid and I’d like to share my experience with everyone. Over the last two and a half weeks I have attended the Foundational and Advanced Courses at the Satvatove Institute www.satvatove.com.
Simply put, these seminars allow you to become the person you have always wanted to be. I have been through a dramatic transformation emotionally and mentally. The core focus is on communication. Communication with yourself and with others. It is quite amazing how much is not said when you are talking to someone. Not being sure whether they have received what you have spoken as what you mean and not receiving what they have said on the other end causes problems. I mean think of how often a mis-communication has caused problems in your life that could be avoided or even dissolved entirely if there was clear and concise communication.
I would like to give you an example of something that happened in my life. I know for me that a few months ago I got out of a relationship with a girl. Actually I was dumped… twice. Something that has never happened to me before. Usually I don’t allow that or I am not interested long enough in a girl to really give a damn. But with this recent relationship which lasted about 8 months total, I decided to let myself.. Love someone.
I fell head over heels for this girl. In fact she was exactly what I have been looking for in a woman in a long time. In every way she was what I wanted. We fell deeply for each other. Spent every second we could spare with each other and loved it all the while. I felt such a connection with this person, a connection that makes you believe that True Love is out there. Sounds perfect right? Wrong. She left me, for a lot of reasons which I won’t discuss here but My issue was letting her go. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t stop thinking about her, i couldn’t get her out of my head. Because I let her so fully into my life, everything in my life reminded me of her. I was going literally insane. I couldn’t trust myself. I couldn’t understand how I could allow myself to be so hurt by her and let it happen twice, wouldn’t i learn the first time? Obviously not. I went through weeks of torture. Beating myself up because I couldn’t figure out what I had done wrong.
Satvatove came into my life through her oddly enough. We were going to go to the seminars together, but being broken up I wasn’t going to go and she gave her spot away. After reading on their website what there mission was, I decided to still go. A decision I am so grateful I made. I thought that what I was doing wasn’t working, I HAVE to change something. My life was falling apart. I was going deep into debt, my relationships with my friends and family were deteriorating, I was doing very poorly at work and had a horrible attitude.
Through many hours I discovered that she filled a gap in my life. A large gap that i had been lacking. A gap i didn’t even realize was there. The reason I say that is because my father has never told me “i Love you” in my entire life. I had never even thought once about it before. But apparently it had damaged me so deeply during my childhood that I have carried that into my adult life. Because I was receiving affection and love from my girlfriend, I attached to that with an iron grip. And when it was gone I was completely destroyed.
By taking these courses I have become aware of who I really am. I have given up so many demons, so many things plaguing me, so many things that bring me down- eliminating self-degrading mental recordings. Since that time- IE- Last night… lol I have accepted that whatever relationship my ex is willing to have with me is OK. I don’t need her love any longer. I am not saying that it would not be nice to get back together but, the agenda is different. The motivation for the relationship is on a completely different level. Its not out of need, its out of a true desire to experience this person, not make up for my own short comings. Last night I even had the self-confidence to confront my father and ask him why he has never told me the loved me, and shown affection. He was speechless. In that moment I realized something. His mother died when he was 9, his father was an asshole. He probably didn’t know any better. Which is not his fault. But the real thing now is that I do not have to follow him as I have. I can love other people, and I can love myself. When I have children I will know better. I will not treat them as I was treated.
I believe from an example like that, people can change the world. There will be one fewer person who lets their thoughts and emotions control them. Instead they are aware of who they really are and how they affect each and every person they encounter.
I know this is a long read, but this was something that I will take with me my entire life. The people that shared this experience with me will be forever changed and so will I. These courses allow you to become the person you have always dreamed of being.
Thanks for listening everyone. I am a Trustworthy, Self Confident, Valuable and Lovable Human Being.”
Peter Sessler
SATTVIC COMMUNICATION IN CONFLICT
Excerpt From Relationships That Work: The Power Of Conscious Living
- By David B. Wolf
A particularly challenging occasion for reflective listening arises when acrimony is directed toward us by persons with whom we are in a close relationship. A student once wrote the following to me: “One area that I find is very relevant for workshop participants …is the difficulty of doing empathic listening when a spouse or person very close to us is saying something that we totally disagree with. I once made great sacrifices for my wife and then she told me she didn’t like what I did and her reasons were totally uninformed. At that point I couldn’t imagine doing empathic listening. I was so upset I just screamed. It’s one of the most needed and most challenging times to do empathic listening.”
I replied: “I hear your challenge and frustration. It is relatively easy to empathize and reflect when the hostility, anger and resentment are directed toward some third party. When it’s directed toward us it is especially challenging to be sattvic, non-reactive, empathic and compassionate. It is particularly difficult in those instances, and also especially important. When we are able to notice our anger, pain or fear without giving our power to them, and to instead sincerely endeavor to understand the other person, before expressing what we want to say, we create the climate in these close and intimate relationships that we truly desire.”
At the start of the second day of a five-day seminar, a woman who was attending shared her experience from the previous night, after the first day of the seminar when we had covered empathic listening. “My son was in the bath and wanted to play with a particular bottle of liquid soap. I knew this soap would hurt his eyes and wouldn’t allow it. In the past this sort of scene would lead to an escalation of anger, affecting us, and the household, for at least a full day if not longer. ‘No, you can’t have it!’ ‘I want it!’ ‘I said no! Put it down!’ Instead I thought I’ll use the skills we learned that day in the workshop. ‘You’re really angry at mommy for not letting you play with that soap!’ ‘Yes, I want it!’ ‘I know you really wish you could have that bottle, and you’re mad at me because I won’t let you.’ ‘That’s right. I am.’ I couldn’t believe it. After about a minute the episode was over. His anger was gone, and we enjoyed each other’s company.”
Studies in labor-management discussions demonstrate that it takes half the time to achieve conflict resolution when all parties agree to accurately repeat what the previous speaker has said before responding.17 To do this requires sattvic consciousness, where we are attentive and sufficiently patient to mirror the other person’s statement, before saying our piece. Especially when we are in conflict with the other party, it requires substantial non-attachment to utilize reflective empathy and avoid roadblocks. Frequently in workshops I hear, “But David, using these techniques takes much longer.” My response is, “Yes, maybe it does. In the short run.” Sattvic communication may take longer up front. However, in the long run it avoids the anxieties and problems created by roadblock-filled tamasic and rajasic communication. For instance, we might spend more time in mirroring and empathic listening so that we understand an employee; his satisfaction though results in a more pleasant work environment where people want to stay. This in turn is likely to lead to higher efficiency and an increase in productivity.
A LIFE OF INTEGRITY
“Assertiveness is not just a communication skill; it’s a principle that is intrinsic to a life of integrity.”
David Wolf
ABUNDANCE
Excerpt From Relationships That Work: The Power Of Conscious Living
- By David B. Wolf
An abundance mentality is a strategy for living. This frame of mind allows us to see possibilities in each situation. A scarcity mentality is the opposite of the paradigm of abundance. Approaching life from scarcity, we focus on difficulties in every opportunity, whereas a paradigm of abundance realizes opportunities in every difficulty. People coming from a place of abundance are storehouses of fresh ideas and exude a natural confidence.
The framework of the three modes of nature described in the first part of this book can assist us in understanding different relationships with abundance. In the mode of sattva, I assume that if I act in harmony with principles of integrity and my intrinsic propensities, I will experience abundance in my life. The abundance that I receive, I naturally handle with respect and responsibility, understanding that satisfaction is not obtained by increasingly acquiring material goods through unnecessary activity. In the rajas mode I would equate money with feeling powerful and happy—although such assumptions repeatedly lead to excessive anxiety, lack of fulfillment and diminished self-respect. The Bhagavad Gita describes a person in this mode as “constantly desiring to desire,”18 without reference to the satisfaction and peace that lie within. Influenced by tamas, I would maintain a careless, reckless attitude, using money in a neglectful and wasteful manner, perhaps for addictive and destructive purposes.
An abundance mindset genuinely celebrates the accomplishments, victories and qualities of others. Living from abundance, we realize that there is more than sufficient joy, recognition and resources for everyone. Our sense of self-value is not derived from comparison, but rather from a secure and intrinsic experience of our worth. In abundance, my success is not dependent on the failure of someone else.
A paradigm of abundance actualizes as a win-win approach to relationships. Win-win means I assume that the success of others enhances my success, and my wins contribute to the well-being of others. From a perspective of win-win, I am committed to victory for everyone. Consider the following example. A small company has one vehicle. One manager is responsible to ensure that a shipment is delivered across town by 10 a.m., while the other manager has three clients to visit by the same time. In win-win consciousness there is no conflict or tension between these people. Neither is thinking, “I need the vehicle this morning.” Rather, there is a cooperative attitude of, “How can we both fulfill our responsibilities?” Neither manager actually needs the vehicle. What both managers actually need is for the merchandise to be delivered, and for all three clients to be treated with integrity. With the managers brainstorming together for the maximum benefit of their joint venture, they will likely arrive at several innovative ideas that meet everyone’s needs.
A win-lose paradigm assumes that if someone else wins, then I lose; or that if I win, then someone else loses. With reference to the above scenario, a manager with win-lose assumptions might think, “The other manager has had use of the vehicle for the past three days. I need it this morning. If he doesn’t deliver his shipment on time, that’s too bad for him. It’s not my problem.” A lose-win model of interaction could sound like this: “Okay, you take the vehicle. I guess I’ll just give up on those accounts I was hoping for, like I usually do…” (Thinking, “I’ll be the loser again. I’m used to it.”) Lose-win—rooted in personal insecurity—conveys the message that while your voice and needs matter, mine do not. This attitude is often accompanied by concealed resentment and hostility.
Lose-lose takes things further, where I act to take both of us down, ensuring success for nobody. With this mentality, one manager may view the other as an enemy, and while conceding the vehicle for the morning, may make plans for sabotaging the efforts of the other manager. Other variations of these relationships to success and winning include play-not-to-lose, which is a survival strategy focused on not losing rather than actually living vitally and winning, and don’t-play, where my fear of failure prevents me from any chance at success or true fulfillment.
We can conceive of win-lose as a rajasic approach to relationship, whereas lose-lose or lose-win mentalities—which require even less commitment than win-lose—are primarily influenced by the mode of tamas. Win-win entails sattvic consciousness, where we stand for our convictions while honoring those of others. It requires deep commitment because it is founded on a determination that everyone will be satisfied. This requires dedication to high-level communication, where we take responsibility not just for what we say, but for how our communication is received and the effect it has. Win-win synthesizes principles of empathy, assertiveness and clear intention to create profoundly satisfying results both interpersonally and professionally.
Communication
“The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.”
George Bernard Shaw
