Posts Tagged ‘Conscious Living’
EMPATHY: EFFECTIVE IN ALL LIFE DIMENSIONS
Excerpt From Relationships That Work: The Power Of Conscious Living
- By David B. Wolf
There is a distinction between thought empathy and feeling empathy, both of which are important in connecting with people and their experience. Research has found that women are slightly more empathic than men with regards to feeling empathy, grasping the emotion behind the words. With reference to thought empathy—apprehending the thoughts behind words—studies have indicated no significant gender difference. An interesting aspect of this research is that after training in empathy, gender differences for both emotion empathy and thought empathy disappear. This indicates that men are not inherently less empathic than women. The lower degree of feeling empathy in men may be primarily determined by culture, meaning that showing empathy does not correspond with the image that a man wants to project, and thus men are less motivated to be empathetic. This cultural facet may be changing though, as there is increasing evidence—some of which is cited below—that effectiveness in traditionally male-oriented occupations is associated with high empathy.
Across many fields of endeavor, including those where we might not imagine that listening and relationship skills are preeminent, empathy is understood to be an essential quality for success. In his book Emotional Intelligence, Daniel Goleman quotes the head of a Swiss bank: “My job is something like a family priest or doctor. You can’t be in private banking without using your emotional intelligence, especially empathy. You have to sense what your client hopes for, fears—even if he can’t express it in words.” Empathy is the most important quality in the assessment of applicants to the Harvard Business School’s graduate program, and the top five attributes are all “soft” qualities, such as being a team player, and being able to effectively coach people and understand their perspective.
Research has shown that in a multitude of professions, including police work, financial consulting and sales, higher empathy correlates positively with better performance, results and satisfaction. A study at a large polyester fiber plant demonstrated that empathy was the quality that most differentiated the most productive teams of workers from others. In the field of medicine, greater empathy correlates positively with more accurate diagnoses, higher patient satisfaction and other desirable outcomes. In a study comparing physicians who were sued for malpractice with physicians who weren’t, the quality that most distinguished the group that did not get sued was empathy. The doctors who were not litigated against were not necessarily more skilled. They were more empathetic, which meant that if an apparent mistake did occur patients were less likely to file suit.
Empathy does not mean sentimentally acceding to the demands of others. Knowing how the other person feels and being able to show it does not mean agreeing with them. I can understand and be open to another perspective, while standing for my own viewpoint. This quality of empathy and the skill to express it underlies effectiveness across practically all life dimensions.
MORE ON EMPATHY
Excerpt From Relationships That Work: The Power Of Conscious Living
- By David B. Wolf
Note that showing understanding is not just a matter of finding words to mechanically describe the person’s emotion and content. It also includes matching the person’s energy. When a friend is feeling sad and down, a reflective statement from my side in an excited voice won’t yield understanding, although what I said was accurate. Empathy is more likely to be conveyed if our words are accompanied by an energy that matches the feeling of the situation. A discordant mentality, even if accompanied by correct reflective statements, can be a roadblock to effective communication. In this regard it is important to recognize that reflective listening is a tool that conveys the essence of empathy. Just because I make an accurate reflective statement does not necessarily mean that I am being empathetic. Conversely, it is possible to convey empathy while using a mode of communication that is on the “potential roadblock” list, although here we are focusing on techniques such as mirroring and effective attending to communicate empathy.
To experience the benefit of empathic dialogue, engage in it with some of the people in your life. Fully enter the world of the other person for at least fifteen minutes, using empathic listening to display understanding. Maintain comfortable eye contact and open-body position during the dialogue. Avoid roadblocks to communication. Simply be a mirror for the other person and notice your experience in attentively reflecting emotion and content. You can also switch roles, having the other person enter your world and mirror for you. To gain a real feel for the effect of empathic dialogue, the speaker should preferably talk about some issue that has an emotional charge for him or her. If you would like to increase the challenge, speak about an issue with emotional substance that is a source of tension between you and the other person. This process requires an ability to listen, and a commitment to understand.
By practicing dialogue in this format our communication becomes dialogical in spirit, even if we don’t adhere to a framework of structured dialogue. In genuine dialogue I allow others to complete their communication, accepting their experience as real and valid for them. In listening I am not focusing on my next point. A dialogue is not a debate. We are actually listening to each other, not merely taking turns in not listening. Especially when discussing highly charged subjects, or when it is apparent that communication has broken down, utilizing structure for empathic conversation may be particularly valuable. Apply this in your life and notice a decrease in reactivity, increased emotional safety and deeper connection.
Creating sacred space between us entails commitment to genuine dialogue. Dialogue means that I listen with a view to understand, rather than to counter or defeat. In a consciousness of dialogue, my intention in expression and hearing is not to manipulate, invalidate or prove that I am right. With true dialogue we create a sanctified environment, unadulterated by barriers to healthy communication. It is an enlightening experience. Educator Robert Hutchins comments, “Education is a kind of continuing dialogue, and a dialogue assumes different points of view.”Approaching relationships with an attitude of discovery and deep listening, means that diverse viewpoints enrich relations, rather than divide them.
To effectively live the principles and communication strategies described here requires that our consciousness rests in the mode of sattva—being able to observe while suspending judgment, and being compassionate toward another being. Such compassion is the essence of empathy, and a fundamental quality of a spiritual life. There is a Vedic aphorism, atmavat sarva-bhutesu, which describes the essence of spiritual compassion as “feeling the happiness and distress of others as one’s own.”
Empathy connects us with others, emerges from and is cultivated through self-realization. Renowned management consultants Jagdish Sheth and Andrew Sobel write: “It is widely accepted that self-awareness and the ability to regulate your own emotions are fundamental prerequisites to the practice of empathy…If you can’t tune into your own emotions, it’s going to be a stretch trying to discern those of others. And if you are overcome by your own feelings, you’ll never have the mental bandwidth to listen properly.” Empathy requires a genuine interest in others, and a sincere desire to expand our perspectives and learning.
EMPATHY & A CULTURE OF TRUST
Excerpt From Relationships That Work: The Power Of Conscious Living
- By David B. Wolf
Consider once more the workplace scenario described above.
“Can you believe how he ran that meeting? He didn’t care what anyone had to say. And the way he treated me? I’m quitting this place!”
Envision your response to the following comment: “You felt really insulted because of how he treated you during the meeting. I hear your anger toward the supervisor. You are so frustrated that you want to leave this place.”
When someone really listens to me, deeply understands me and acknowledges the pain I am experiencing, I begin to feel less upset and more capable of handling my emotions and difficulties. Feeling cared about, I am moved to share more. Caring is reflected in listening, and an empathic response is an effective strategy to show that we have listened. Reflective, empathic responses build trust. If you reflect to me what I have said and the feeling behind the words, it is a sign that you truly care about me and what I have to say. This type of response is called reflective listening, or mirroring. In addition to creating a trusting environment, an empathic response enables me to reflect on myself. Just as I can see myself better by looking in a mirror, I can also see into my thoughts, emotions and experiences better if someone else takes the role of the mirror.
For example, in response to the above reflective comment, I might think to myself, “I am upset with him, though it’s not that I really want to quit the job. There are many things I appreciate about this office—even about this new boss. I think I will talk to him. Maybe he is upset that I haven’t turned in those reports. I may apologize about that, though I will let him know that I didn’t appreciate how he spoke to me during the meeting.”
Note that empathy is not sympathy. Sympathy can imply a sense of pity, such as is expressed in “I feel so bad for you.” This does not convey an understanding of what the other person is saying, whereas a statement such as “I hear that you are feeling humiliated because she made a joke at your expense in a public forum” is an empathetic reflection that shows comprehension of content and affect.
Also, we can recognize that the statement “I understand” in itself is not a reflective statement. It is a declaration of knowledge. A statement such as “I understand that you are feeling unfulfilled because you know you can be more productive” is a reflective statement conveying empathy, because I have expressed not just that I understand, but what I understand to be the emotion and content of what the person is sharing. Of course, this does not mean that it is wrong to respond, “I understand.” Accompanied with appropriate non-verbal behavior and caring intention, such a response can communicate empathy.
It is said that people don’t care what we know until they know that we care. Demonstration of empathy is a wonderful way to show that we care. Empathic listening in itself creates a quality of human connection that is satisfying for the soul. And it produces an environment conducive for sharing whatever valuable knowledge we may have. In the field of social work there is a saying: “Start where the client is at.” By meeting people where they are, we build trust, stimulate self-exploration, and clarify our perceptions.
AN EMPIRICAL BASIS FOR HAPPINESS
Hear Dr. David Wolf discuss the Vedic Personality Inventory (VPI – www.Vedicpersonality.org). Learn about yourself through exploration of where you stand in relation to the three modes of nature. Deepen your understanding of karma, conscious living, and being commitment-driven, as you immerse yourself in this edition of the Satvatove Radio Hour, your station for self-realization.
Relationships That Work Radio Show, December 22, 2010
SATVATOVE RADIO SHOW- An Empirical Basis for Happiness
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EVERY EMOTION HAS ITS PLACE
Excerpt From Relationships That Work: The Power Of Conscious Living
- By David B. Wolf
The states of being on the grungy list are not always grungies. They have their natural place in healthy human emotional life. For example, suppose someone dear to you passed away, and the next day you felt no sadness or grief. That would be unnatural. Sadness in this case would not be a grungy. Now, imagine that ten years after this person passed away, you are still so grief-stricken that you cannot function, hardly able to rise from bed each morning. That sadness would likely be a grungy, with corresponding payoffs. A grungy is an unpleasant way of being that we do not rectify. We might complain, gripe and grumble about it, but we hold onto it. Here are some other examples of the distinction between natural emotion, and a grungy with a payoff.
Many of our fears are unjustified, though we maintain them for payoffs such as an excuse to not risk the possibility of failure, or to protect ourselves. Fear, though, is not always a grungy. There could be valuable messages from fear. For example, if I am fearful of walking in front of a moving truck on the highway, I trust that instinct as a natural protective mechanism, not a grungy that I need to overcome.
We have mentioned guilt. Guilt can be an indication that I need to transform or reform my character, or adjust my behavior. Guilt can be an impetus for positive change. That is different than hanging onto guilt for a payoff such as avoidance of auspicious change.
For important life decisions there is an expected time period during which we research, consult and gather information. We don’t want to act hastily. Lack of clarity for a period of time is natural. During that time, we have a clear sense that we are not ready to make a decision. Contrast that with using confusion and lack of clarity to actually avoid making a decision. After we have sufficiently gathered information and experience—whether it is about a career direction, relationship or other life matter—there comes a time to choose. If at that time we remain indecisive and confused, that may be a grungy with payoffs.
A certain level of stress is motivating, inspiring us to achieve worthy goals. If we find ourselves constantly overwhelmed with stress, however, we may want to consider why we have arranged our life in such a way that stress, pressure and anxiety are so prevalent.
Anger can serve us, protect us and help us establish effective boundaries. Also, anger can be a sign that I have some valuable message to communicate to others—and I can do this with assertiveness not belligerence. Such expressions of anger are different than holding onto anger and related emotions for secondary payoffs, such as getting attention or manipulating others to feel guilty (which may mean that anger becomes the predominant emotional posture). There is a vital distinction between venting anger in a manner that justifies holding onto resentful feelings and expressing anger in a way that is actually healing, nurturing and empowering.
Just as it is helpful to understand that each emotion has a natural role to play in our lives, it is also valuable to recognize that payoffs are not “wrong.” Though in some instances we may want to transcend the need for them, in other cases we may simply want to cultivate healthy and fulfilling ways to get them. For example, I might determine that I want attention and approval in my life, and I intend to receive this through noble actions and accomplishments, instead of through anger and guilt. At the same time, I might conclude that I do want to get rid of some of my desire for attention and approval, realizing that much of it comes from neediness that I have been living with since childhood, which is no longer a reality for me. Each of us likes to exert control over his or her environment. If we have been doing this through grungies, such as anger or depression, we may consider reducing our need for control, and also generating more productive, straightforward and beneficial means to exercise autonomy in our lives.
Grungy-Payoff Exercise
Identify two or three of your most common grungies and their corresponding payoff(s). Remember, a grungy is a way of being or emotional state in ourselves with which we are dissatisfied. Even if we intellectually understand the concept of grungies and payoffs, it can be challenging to recognize our own patterns, because we are so close to them. We have found that engaging others in this process can be very helpful. Perhaps form a group of two to six persons who are sincerely endeavoring to enhance their self-understanding and assist each other in recognizing your grungies and payoffs.
Whether you do this exercise on your own or with a group, while you are doing it, keep in mind the goal —to create positive change. Awareness is the first step in such change, though it is not the goal itself. With this frame of reference, consider how you will be, and then what you will do, instead of being stuck in the grungies and payoffs with which you are comfortable.
A responsible stance about our state of being is the focus in this grungy-payoff framework. What also needs to be taken into consideration is the influence of our past on our present. The past can certainly explain a lot about our present, but it cannot take responsibility for it. Only we can do that. Or at least, a responsible perspective is a very valuable stance in achieving the fulfillment and accomplishments we desire.
This exercise of identifying grungies and their payoffs can also be applied to physical symptoms, such as sickness or tiredness. I have seen many persons rid themselves of physical ailments through assuming a responsible perspective in this area. In making this suggestion, I am of course not suggesting that you neglect proper health care and the guidance of health care professionals. I invite you to try this responsible perspective. Apply it to areas of your life where you are not satisfied, and be open to whatever you may experience.
FROM DAVID
“This Satvatove 3 was similar to the first two seminars in some ways, but very different in many other ways. And I am hopeful that my sharing about it will attract others to do it themselves, because it’s not just more of the same (although that would also be great): it’s a whole other experience, on a new and different level.
It has catalyzed my being more the master and source of my experience: what I might call the freedom and creativity arising from taking responsibility for my life. In the seminar, there were structures, agreements, and ground rules in place, but I didn’t feel the strictness, or ‘pressure’, from the facilitators to follow them, as I had in the Advanced Course. Whether it was conscious or not (and I haven’t asked them yet), David and Marie seemed to be respecting – almost expecting us – and calling us in that way, to be in charge of our own time, punctuality, commitments, and agreements. I felt empowered and encouraged, respectfully, lovingly and firmly, to go beyond where I’d been; to be the leader I want to be; the creator and master of my own results.
The following statement is becoming more true for me because of that mood in the seminar: ‘Some people regard discipline as a chore. For me, it is a kind of order that sets me free to fly.’ The name of the seminar, ‘An Adventure in Conscious Living’, suits it to the ‘T’. I got new tools – and experiences of applying them – that will serve me the rest of my life!
Since the seminar, I’ve had many realisations and breakthroughs. Something unique with this one, is that it’s been more deep, subtle and gradual than with the first two. It has been building, and manifesting little by little (and often not so little). Probably one reason that it’s been like this, is because I got in touch with my courage, and saw more clearly that I had been choosing my fear over the courage. The result is that I’ve been more in action, and this has been snowballing.
Almost immediately, I started a new 12-session coaching package with David and Marie. That may not sound so surprising or ‘big’, but considering I’d been procrastinating about it, and giving into the fear around that, for more than a year, it’s very significant; especially when I’ve known all that time that it was the best thing I could do. Another thing I’m doing now, is to delete – or unsubscribe to – at least 50% of the e-mails I get, instead of letting them sit there, forever, thinking ‘Oh, one day I’m going to read this…’ This is apparently small, but it’s indicative of the clarity & decisiveness that started manifesting in the seminar, and is building.
I have never been in a seminar in which the two Satvatove co-founders were facilitating together. Although I know that behind the scenes they’re always collaborating deeply and powerfully, to be with them in the seminar and see them in action together was hugely inspiring and encouraging. To see these two highly committed, focused, powerful and loving personalities together, was an experience in itself, a model of the seminar’s name in action. And to see how sometimes their different, individual approaches came out, and how they spontaneously handled that.
There’s lots more, but I’ll finish here. I thank you, deeply, David and Marie, and Fayenen, for giving me such a rewarding opportunity. I will also be offering ideas and suggestions on possible ways to improve this new seminar, because I know that’s what you all want, and that that is the way that Satvatove works.”
David Aycrigg
Satvatove 3: An Adventure in Conscious Living – September 2010
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GRUNGIES & PAYOFFS
Excerpt From Relationships That Work: The Power Of Conscious Living
- By David B. Wolf
Let us look more closely at this stance of personal responsibility, with respect to our emotions. Spiritual traditions maintain that the inherent nature of our being consists of qualities such as joy, vitality, consciousness, clarity, radiance, warmth, compassion, love, connection, confidence, balance, beauty, playfulness, fulfillment and power. Also, a fundamental quality of the self that accompanies consciousness is self-determination, or freedom of choice.
The following are some emotions that people commonly consider to be unpleasant: anger, confusion, fear, feeling like a victim, humiliation, embarrassment, worthlessness, hurt, pain, sadness, resentment, guilt, bitterness, shame, anxiety, inadequacy, pressure, suffering, jealousy, disappointment, frustration, discouragement. Nobody actually likes to be troubled by these emotions.
Assuming that we have freedom of choice, and that our nature is vibrant, bright, powerful and free, how come we would choose experiences such as depression, bitterness, anxiety, worthlessness, fear, guilt and confusion? Based on my experience with people I can guess that some readers are saying, perhaps instinctively, “I do not choose these emotions.” Stay with the premise that we are at choice, that we are the creators of our experience. Even if we don’t believe this premise to be true, we can reflect on the idea, saying, “Okay, if it were true that I am choosing these emotions, why would I be doing this?”
If we notice responses such as, “It’s just a habit…I am conditioned that way,” dig deeper. We form habits for a reason. How come today, at this moment, we choose to accede to emotional habits like resentment, depression or discouragement? Whatever our past or conditioning may be, how come, now, we choose to be influenced by conditioning that results in sadness, pain and repeatedly being victimized?
In the spiritual transformation seminars that I conduct people frequently, after some initial resistance to the assumption of self-determination, generate reasons such as getting attention, gaining sympathy, feeling superior, feeling right, an excuse for not taking risks, protection, manipulation, maintaining an image, avoiding responsibility and reinforcing and justifying beliefs.
We will refer to the items on the unpleasant emotions list as “grungies,” and the items on the reasons list as “payoffs.” I want to acknowledge that I was first introduced to these terms, as well as several other concepts in this part of the book, through the Lifespring trainings developed by Dr. John Hanley, Sr. These lists are partial. Each of us could probably think of additional grungies and payoffs. The grungy-payoff connection varies according to one’s personality. Some of us, for example, may use depression to get attention, whereas others may use anger or confusion to receive attention. Below are a few examples of grungy-payoff interactions.
Examples of Grungy-Payoff Interaction
For as long as she can remember, Ricky has felt worthless, as if she has no value. She knows this is related to the way her father treated her. Still, in considering why she holds onto this feeling of worthlessness she has realized that she uses it as an excuse for not taking risks, to avoid the possibility of failure and also to get sympathy from others. If she let go of feeling worthless, experiencing instead her intrinsic value, she knows she would be more productive and fulfilled. With the new awareness that she does not have to feel worthless, Ricky notices that she no longer feels intimidated around people whose presence formerly caused her discomfort. Ricky experiences the truth of Eleanor Roosevelt’s statement, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”
Alan repeatedly finds himself in situations—within relationships, in his profession, and throughout his life—where he is the victim. Looking at this pattern from a responsible perspective, he recognizes that being in a victim role gets him attention, and even admiration, when he dramatically recounts his victim stories.
For more than a decade George has been confused and unclear about whether to commit to a university degree program or start his own business, about whether to remain single or get married. Now, adopting a responsible position of choice, he understands that he remains in confusion to avoid commitment and also to get attention from others, who often try to help him make decisions.
Jan lives in fear. Fear pervades her experience of life. Intellectually she knows that most of her fears are irrational. Reflecting on why she holds onto fear, she acknowledges that it serves her in several ways—such as not taking responsibility for the results in her life and protecting herself from hurt in relationships.
Gail is constantly in anxiety. When challenged with the perspective that “Anxiety is a choice,” she realizes that most of her anxiety is not productive. In fact, her successes have not resulted from her anxieties and fears, but despite them. She uses anxiety to protect herself from accepting responsibility that she does not think she could handle. With this new awareness, she begins to consider ways to establish healthy boundaries for herself, without excessive anxiety.
Everyone in Bill’s circle knows him as an angry person, irritable and severely agitated at the slightest perception of provocation. Honestly reflecting on himself from an accountable perspective, Bill sees that he has been using anger to get attention. As a small child that was the most effective way to get noticed. This strategy still works, to influence others to notice him, and also to manipulate people to do his bidding. But at what cost? Bill begins to consider the price he is paying in terms of intimacy, closeness and respect for hanging onto this emotional habit.
Stephen holds resentment from mistreatment he has suffered. Previously he never considered that he had a choice about this. Introspecting, and hypothetically accepting that he is responsible for his emotional state, Stephen unburdens himself of much emotional pain by acknowledging that by holding onto resentment he gets the payoff of feeling superior to the person whom he perceives has wronged him. Also, he uses resentment to avoid courageously confronting and communicating with people. Realizing the extent to which he has tormented himself by holding onto resentment, he personally relates to the saying, “Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.”
Karen carries heavy guilt, for the way she treated her parents when she was a teenager, for a financial indiscretion with a friend last year, for immaturity in a romantic relationship a decade ago, for not knowing what to say at the committee meeting yesterday, and for a multitude of events throughout her life. Shame and guilt are major coping mechanisms for her. When asked about her payoff for guilt and shame, after a short pause she responds that she receives the reassurance of others, who assure her that she is a good person and encourage her not to be harsh with herself. Meditating further, she realizes that she gets other payoffs—namely justifying her beliefs about herself and avoiding responsibility. Like all of us, Karen likes to think of herself as a good person. When she does something (or neglects to do something) that she perceives as bad, guilt serves to validate her virtue. “If a decent person does this bad thing, at least she feels guilty about it.” With such a framework of beliefs, one episode after the next would be a catalyst for Karen to accumulate and further entrench guilt and shame.
Responsibility, Guilt and Resentment
Sometimes we confuse responsibility and guilt, thinking, “I am responsible, therefore I am guilty.” Actually, it is a common grungy-payoff dynamic to use guilt to avoid responsibility. Instead of honestly looking at my responsibility for what happened, and ways I can rectify mistakes, I feel guilty. Rather than sincerely acting to improve my character and behavior, I feel guilt and shame about my shortcomings.
Guilt and resentment grungies relate to our expectations, as illustrated in the drawing below. The jar on the left represents your expectation of yourself. The line about 40 percent from the bottom indicates your reality of yourself. Instead of accepting and being satisfied with the reality—or constructively endeavoring to improve your behavior and character—you fill the remainder of the jar with guilt. The jar on the right represents your expectation of another person. The line designates the reality of that person. We have a choice. We could accept that reality; or we could initiate transformative communication towards productive change. But often, instead of making either of these choices, we fill the balance of the jar with resentment. Expectations, or the attachment to them, can be premeditated resentments. Much of our suffering arises from an inordinate desire to control life, insisting that life conform to our expectations. Resisting reality is a losing battle, while surrendering to it brings peace of mind and heart. Surrender does not mean that we abandon efforts to make the world and ourselves a better place. It means that we peacefully accept that life does not always yield to our designs, and that we transcend emotional reactivity to unmet expectations.
FROM SERENE
“This seminar exceeded all of my expectations and I left feeling complete, peaceful, fully satisfied and deeply connected to myself and my eternal relationship with God. I experienced resisting in the beginning, and through that experience, finding my grounded self and where I really stand. My overall experience was one of watering my creeper of divine devotion and nurturing my soul deeply. I noticed that many subtle weeds were removed without even putting energy towards them, and although they did not seem so prevalent, they were deeply rooted and very strong. I felt that in this seminar the Satvatove teachings were fully complete, and I left with a newfound urgency to live my life on purpose.”
Govinda Syer
Satvatove 3: An Adventure in Conscious Living – September 2010
COMMITMENT-DRIVEN
Excerpt From Relationships That Work: The Power Of Conscious Living
- By David B. Wolf
There is an important distinction between the consciousness of having, and the principle of placing our consciousness in the result. Consciousness in the result is situated on the platform of being. When we place our consciousness in the result, we set the intention as empowered spiritual beings. Then we simply and effectively handle any so-called ‘obstacles’ that present themselves.
The having consciousness is not fixed in being, nor does it trust that our being is complete, balanced and whole. This frame of mind lacks the conviction that the intrinsic nature of the self is a foundation and wellspring of all auspiciousness. With consciousness in the result, we are commitment-driven, rather than history-driven. Commitment-driven means that our vision moves us, inspires our action and connects us with our being. History-driven means being limited by our past; our past experiences and results determine and constrain what is possible now and in our future. My past level of happiness, fulfillment, relationship satisfaction and financial success determines what I believe is possible for me now and into the future. Commitment-driven consciousness recognizes that “till now,” I may have experienced myself as weak, hopeless, a victim, bitter and limited in my achievements by various beliefs and circumstances; but from now on I am a vibrant, successful, inspiring person who boldly declares and manifests his vision.
This is not a process of pushing down the emotional beach ball while trying to think positively. It is cultivating the habit of experiencing the qualities of our spirit. In developing this way of being, it follows naturally that we fully experience whatever emotion surfaces, without denying or resisting it. Simultaneously, we can apply clear intention to create the experience that we want. While acknowledging and experiencing my insecurity, for example, I can manifest clear intention to bring to life feelings of confidence and security. Or, while recognizing that I am feeling stuck and awkward, I can put consciousness in the result to experience spontaneity and openness.
Being compassionate with yourself is one of the keys to unlocking your being. Empathy means connecting with someone where he or she is—and this includes yourself. By accepting and even embracing that I am feeling frightened, I also open up to my courage. By recognizing my selfishness, I am able to appreciate my giving and selfless nature.
As we become expert in this process we may find that grungy states and rackets that formerly lasted for days or weeks may now only be with us for minutes or hours. Simple remembrance of our spiritual nature is also an effective means to achieve a transcendental perspective of healthy, empathic non-attachment toward whatever emotional drama we may be experiencing. Of course, this is understood in the context that emotions such as sadness, anger and hurt, are sometimes natural, and not necessarily grungies.
In defining our commitments, it is helpful to remember that it’s okay to “do our best” in some instances, without specific commitment to a goal. There is an organic process of learning from our actions and reevaluating goals. However, sometimes we want to declare and commit, to ensure that we write the script of our life. Steadfast commitment to a worthy goal moves us to exhibit our finest qualities and reveal the best side of our characters. As Goethe said, “First build a proper goal. The proper goal will make it easy, almost automatic, to build a proper you.”
