Posts Tagged ‘David B. Wolf’
THE PRINCIPLES AND PROCESS OF PERSONAL COACHING
By David B. Wolf
What Actually Happens In A Life Coaching Session?
Most life coaching sessions, in my experience, begin with the client expressing a life area on which they want to focus. The life coach then enters the client’s world and demonstrates understanding of the client’s perspectives, emotions, and inner conversation. Such a climate of empathy becomes the driving force for transformation and self-realization for the client, and often for the coach as well.
Self-Introspection
In this safe environment the client gets to courageously introspect, lifting the lid to parts of the self that have until that point been less than conscious. With this raised awareness, and the supportively challenging presence of the life coach, the client encounters and addresses issues, fears, inspirations, patterns and connections, and maybe self-deceptions and unacknowledged strengths. Countless times we have witnessed this process lead to clarity about identity and life purpose, as well as resolve to boldly stretch limits and move forward to create a life consistent with one’s highest vision.
Focus On Experience
Melissa opened one life coaching session stating that she wanted to examine a specific relationship in her life, and asking the life coach for feedback on how I perceive her in connection with interpersonal relations. I shared my perceptions with her, and then endeavored to understand Melissa’s situation. In this attempt my listening focused not so much on the story or external details, but rather on Melissa’s experience and feelings, and on the meaning that Melissa gave this experience. My hope and intention was that Melissa felt safe, respected and secure, to honestly explore.
Self-Reflection Leading To Insights
This self-reflection resulted in fresh insights for Melissa. These realizations were painful, though also exhilarating for her to experience. She saw that in this particular relationship she did use principles and practices, such as win/win, full personal accountability, and avoidance of common roadblocks to communication consistent with highly effective interpersonal relations, and that the other person, most of the time, didn’t evince or employ such principles. Further, Melissa realized that her frustration, hurt and resentment stemmed from disappointment that this other person was not more evolved in his way of interacting with her.
With deeper consideration Melissa recognized that accompanying these feelings of hurt and disappointment were feelings of superiority. She got to feel right, better than the other person. Subtly, Melissa was playing the same right/wrong game for which she severely judged the other person. This was quite impactful for Melissa to acknowledge, and it led to contemplation and conversation about her insecurities that fueled her need to feel superior.
Commitments
This session closed with the client committing to herself and the life coach to complete a specific exercise that would facilitate her to concretely identify self-defeating beliefs surrounding the patterns she noticed during the session, and to doing focused journaling within a day after her contacts with this other person. Every productive life coaching session contains cultivation of self-awareness, and most effective sessions also include a specific plan of action.
Where Could Life Coaching Be Beneficial?
The above example relates to life coaching around relationships. The same principles and process are naturally applied to other areas of focus, including financial management, health, and spiritual practice. I encourage you to bring to mind an issue or challenge in your life that is emotionally-charged. Consider what it would look and feel like for you to parallel Melissa’s process, of taking inventory of what’s happening in an honest yet compassionate spirit. The next step includes peeling off the layers and seeing what’s beneath, and then playfully challenging yourself with a detailed action plan. In this process, you can also reflect on where in this self-coaching process your blind spots might be, and where a transformative coach, outside yourself, might be beneficial.
WHAT IS EMPATHY?
What is empathy? Is it sympathy? In Satvatove’s Transformative Communication model we make a distinction between empathy and sympathy. Sympathy can involve pity, or feeling bad for someone. Most of us sometimes appreciate a sort of pity party once in a while- “I feel so bad for you”- and there’s a place for that. But that’s not empathy.
What is empathy? Is it kindness? Certainly when we convey genuine empathy, we’re showing kindness, though kindness is not intrinsically synonymous with empathy.
What is empathy? Is it agreement? Not inherently. In the process of Transformative Communication empathy can be accompanied with disagreement, as easily as with agreement.
In response to the question “What is empathy,” our focus is on understanding, on seeing the world from the other person’s perspective. To cross the bridge from my world to your world, to see, and more profoundly, to feel and experience, your world, requires that I am secure in myself, in my worldview. Because I’m secure, I am willing to open myself to deep understanding of your feelings, thoughts, and perspectives. This entails readiness to suspend my judgments (which of course is different than pretending I don’t have judgments), so that I get a fresh experience of you and your standpoint. Empathy as a way of being is aligned with approaching life with a spirit of wonder and discovery.
Thus, while sympathy might involve feeling pity or sorrow for someone, such sympathy doesn’t intrinsically demand understanding. Sometimes sympathy can even have a condescending nature. A statement like “I feel terrible for you” doesn’t necessarily communicate that I understand what’s happening for you. In considering what is empathy, we can realize that a statement such as “I understand that you feel humiliated because he ridiculed you in front of the whole team,” expresses concrete understanding of what the other person has said, and the feeling behind it. That, especially when integrated with genuine warmth and caring, demonstrates empathy.
With regard to the above scenario, in communicating empathy I may or may not agree that the person is justified in feeling humiliation, anger, or hurt. Whatever my opinion, I’m suspending it to show that I understand the world of the other. In doing so, my world may open to broader perspectives, and the other person will feel understood, which is a primary human need. On the basis of this understanding, a person will likely feel inspired to share more, and to be open to hear alternate views- as the saying goes, people don’t care what you know, till they know that you care. To cross the bridge from my world into the world of another is a powerful way to show that I care.
We understand of course, in this discussion about what is empathy, that terms such as sympathy, kindness and empathy are used in various ways, each with valid application. In this article we present some distinctions that we’ve found very helpful in creating sacred space in our communication and relationships with others, and with ourselves.
Satvatove Institute assists individuals, communities and organizations worldwide understand what is empathy. For information about Satvatove’s workshops, seminars, coaching and coach training programs, write to seminars@Satvatove.com or coaching@Satvatove.com.
RESISTING REALITY
“Resisting reality is a losing battle, while surrendering to it brings peace of mind and heart. Surrender does not mean that we abandon efforts to make the world and ourselves a better place. It means that we peacefully accept that life does not always yield to our designs, and that we transcend emotional reactivity to unmet expectations.”
David B. Wolf
A QUESTION ON CHANGE
Excerpt From A Coaching Letter - By David B. Wolf
I think it important to realize, at least philosophically, that, yes, in a moment I can choose to let go of decades, maybe lifetimes, of conditioning, and thereby change. While acknowledging that possibility, it’s also often essential to realize that, practically speaking, I am influenced by my conditioning, past habits, past and current association, etc. Acknowledging those influences, being 100% responsible for my life, experience and results might look like, for example, joining Alcoholics Anonymous, or adjusting my association so that I surround myself with persons who will be more supportive of me changing the way that I say I want to, etc. If I have decades of addiction to excessively eating sweets- sure, I could in a moment give up that addictive habit. That’s possible. Practically, though, if I’m serious and fully responsible, I’ll acknowledge my weakness and take some external steps, such as, for example, not keeping chocolates on my desk to look at when I’m stressed out during the day. Sure, even if the chocolates are there, if I’m deeply intentional I won’t eat them. Still, being honest about where I’m at, sincere intention will manifest as establishing structures such as no chocolates in the house.
ATTITUDE OF DISCOVERY
“Approaching relationships with an attitude of discovery and deep listening means that diverse viewpoints enrich relations, rather than divide them.”
David B. Wolf
ASSERTIVENESS
Excerpt From Relationships That Work: The Power Of Conscious Living
- By David B. Wolf
It happens to all of us that at times we have something difficult to say, something that might be unpleasant for others to hear. How should we go about expressing ourselves? There are three basic ways to do so, which correspond to the three main modes of material nature, as discussed before. These three modes are passivity, aggressiveness and assertiveness. Corresponding qualities connected with each mode of expression are given below.
| Passivity | Aggressiveness | Assertiveness |
| scared | abrasive | bold |
| insecure | Cocky | confident |
| Nervous | Harsh | considerate |
| Inhibited | Bully | secure |
| Anxious | Arrogant | empathetic |
| self-deprecating | Insensitive | straightforward |
| Indecisive | Loud | honest |
| Weak | Obnoxious | courageous |
| Fragile | Selfish | open |
It is obvious that assertiveness is the most desirable form of expression. Consider the following example. Say that Robert has agreed with his wife Lisa that he will be home from work at 6 p.m., and that he will call if he is late. How will she react when he comes home at midnight several nights in a row without calling her? In a passive mode, she may not say anything out of fear of disturbing the peace, whereas inside herself she may be building anger and mistrust. This is related to the mode of tamas, which is characterized by fear and inactivity. In an aggressive mode she may scream and threaten Robert. This correlates with the mode of rajas, symptomized by reactivity.
Neither of these modes is likely to create productive communication. If Lisa is passive, Robert may not even be aware that there is a problem, and may appreciate his wife for her tolerance and understanding. If she is aggressive, decent communication is likely to be hindered as well, and Robert may either withdraw or answer with hostility from his side. None of these exchanges—fight or flight—culminates in frank and satisfying discussion.
With passivity, Lisa’s implicit message is: “You count. I don’t.” With aggressiveness it is: “I count. You don’t.” Assertiveness conveys, “You matter, as do I.” In assertiveness we take a stand, make our voice heard, in a way that honors others. Assertiveness is simultaneously bold and empathic, courageous and considerate. This quality of assertiveness is inherent to our integrity as human beings. A life of integrity entails expressing what we are meant to express in an honest and gentle way. Lacking this, we live a life controlled by fear. Integrity also demands that in expressing ourselves we are respectful of others, and that in claiming our rights we also honor the rights of others. Assertiveness means that even if we are expressing a truth that may be difficult or painful for others to receive, we are not doing it in a hurtful way. It is possible to speak about that which is unpleasant without actually being unpleasant. Rather than attempting to do damage, we endeavor to understand and to be understood—from a place of compassion.
BEING ASSERTIVE
“Being assertive means that we are able to maintain healthy boundaries that prevent us from becoming jaded, drained and of little use to anyone, without building walls that isolate us from others.”
David B. Wolf
OPEN-ENDED QUESTIONS
Excerpt From Relationships That Work: The Power Of Conscious Living
- By David B. Wolf
“Computers are useless. They can only give you answers.” - Pablo Picasso
Open-ended questions are another valuable listening tool. Effectively utilized, they encourage the speaker to share more. A closed-ended question is one that invites a one-word answer. Some examples of closed-ended questions:
“How many years have you been at this job?”
“Were you happy in high school?”
“How many siblings do you have?”
An assumption behind closed-ended questions is that the questioner determines what is important. Open-ended questions assume that the person being questioned decides what is most essential. Examples of open-ended invitations include:
“What is your experience in this job?”
“I’d like to hear more about what high school was like for you.”
“Could you speak more about your relationship with your brothers and sisters?”
“What is your confusion about?”
Closed-ended questions have their healthy place in communication, though usually the information sought with a closed-ended question comes automatically—along with much more—in response to an open-ended query. For example, once I had a new client who expressed that she wanted to have a child. Though I considered that knowing whether she was nineteen or forty-two might be helpful information, I didn’t ask, “How old are you?” The conversation included open-ended questions such as, “What’s happening in your relationship with your partner on this issue of children?” and, “What would having a child mean for you?” In the natural course of conversation, the client disclosed that she was twenty-nine years old, without me needing to make it my specific agenda to gather that piece of information.
Appropriately used, questions help people to talk about themselves and concretely define their challenges and situations in terms of specific experiences, behaviors and emotions. Suppose someone says, “My family life is a mess.” With an open-ended question—such as “What is it about your family life that’s not satisfying for you?”—we invite the speaker to describe his situation more tangibly. He might respond, “My job has me traveling so much, and I can barely pay the bills. And my children are constantly fighting. I don’t know how to handle them.” At that point it may be appropriate to follow this with empathy, showing understanding of affect and content. “I hear that so much travel is stressful for you, and you’re experiencing a lot of financial strain. Also, you’re frustrated with your children.” This reflection could serve as a prompt for the speaker to further explore any one of the three areas. Though open-ended questions are a powerful listening tool because they show interest in the client’s world, keep in mind that too many consecutive questions can be a roadblock, causing the person to feel interrogated. An effective question will elicit rich information, and often it is valuable to follow the question with a reflective response to ensure that we’ve grasped the information.
Concreteness is another important principle in effective communication. If we find conversations to be uninteresting, it may be a sign that we lack concreteness, instead talking with excessive generalities. Concreteness comes with clarity, excitement and the potential to augment understanding, growth and connection. For example if I say, “I just don’t feel right,” my statement is vague. Your discovery about me will be enriched if I express with concreteness that, “I was awake all night studying. I don’t feel confident about the material, and I’m exhausted, and this test means everything about my future in the program.” An open-ended question is often an excellent means to encourage concrete expression.
Clarity in expression greatly influences people’s perception of us. Austrian statesman Metternich said, “Anything that is good in itself must be capable of being expressed clearly and precisely. The moment I come across words that are not very clear, I am left with the conclusion that they are either mistaken or deceitful.” As a suggestion for practicing concreteness in your life, describe an experience in writing—first vaguely, and then concretely. (For example, “Today was a downer” is an imprecise expression of experience, whereas “I had a terrible headache during my entire work day” is a concrete statement.)
CONSCIOUSNESS IN THE RESULT & DETACHMENT FROM THE OUTCOME
Excerpt from group coaching correspondence with Dr David B. Wolf:
B: How are we to have consciousness in the result yet not be attached to the outcome?
D: By being focused on the result, and not how you will achieve said result, while remembering that if you achieve the result, you will be happy and fulfilled because you succeeded, and if you do not achieve the result, you will also be happy and fulfilled because you learned or will learn a valuable lesson from not succeeding, therefore Being happy and fulfilled either way 
David B. Wolf: I’m enlivened by B’s question, and D’s response. The question for me points to the heart of the process of self-realization, of spiritual growth- to cultivate caring and determined non-attachment. “Non-attachment” doesn’t mean apathy, or callousness. With our consciousness in the result we are fully committed, giving 100%. Simultaneously, as D describes, our experience of our essential qualities is not dependent on any particular external result. Such a consciousness illuminates the distinction between commitment, and attachment. We might mistakenly think that the more committed I am, the more attached I must be. Actually, being emotionally attached to a result, which is different than utilizing emotion to inspire us in giving fully, tends to get in the way of fully committing all our resources and energies towards our intended goal.
PERSONAL POWER
“Personal power, including the ability to create satisfying boundaries, comes from effective communication.”
David B. Wolf
