Posts Tagged ‘David B. Wolf’
SELF-REALIZATION
“The process of self-realization is liberal, though not whimsical.”
David B Wolf
DIVERSE VIEWPOINTS
“Approaching relationships with an attitude of discovery and deep listening, means that diverse viewpoints enrich relations, rather than divide them.”
David B. Wolf
SERVICE
“Service is the natural activity that evokes the joy of the soul.”
David B. Wolf
EMPATHIC SILENCE
Excerpt From Relationships That Work: The Power Of Conscious Living
- By David B. Wolf
In the novel Momo, Michael Ende creates the character of a young girl, who is a wonderful example of an empathic listener, and whose silent presence helps people connect with their inner truth. Momo receives a daily stream of visitors, eager to be close to her.
“Was Momo so incredibly bright that she always gave good advice, or found the right words to console people in need of consolation…? No, she was no more capable of that than anyone else of her age…what Momo was better at than anyone else was listening. She listened in a way that made slow-witted people have flashes of inspiration. It wasn’t that she actually said anything or asked questions that put such ideas into their heads. She simply sat there and listened with the utmost attention…fixing them with her big, dark eyes, and they suddenly became aware of ideas whose existence they had never suspected. Momo could listen in such a way that worried and indecisive people knew their own minds from one moment to the next, or shy people felt suddenly confident and at ease, or downhearted people felt happy and hopeful. And if someone felt that his life had been an utter failure, and that he himself was only one among millions of wholly unimportant people who could be replaced as easily as broken windowpanes, he would go and pour out his heart to Momo. And, even as he spoke, he would come to realize… he was absolutely wrong: that there was only one person like himself in the whole world, and that, consequently, he mattered to the world in his own particular way. Such was Momo’s talent for listening… Those who still think that listening isn’t an art should see if they can do it half as well.”
Silence itself is a potent listening tool, and can convey a grasp of another person’s emotions. While silence should not be used to avoid intimate and meaningful conversation, neither is it helpful to avoid silence due to feelings of discomfort. Often we fill silence with empty talk, fearing the vulnerability of silent connection. An attentive, caring silence is sometimes a more powerful way to heal and connect than the most carefully chosen and well-intentioned words. Actual silence means that the mind is also still. Silence doesn’t mean “empty.” It is a gateway to, and manifestation of, spiritual presence. Vedic scholar Bhaktivedanta Swami wrote, “Silence means that one is always thinking of self-realization.” It is said that God has given us two ears and one mouth, because we are meant to listen at least twice as much as to speak. The Bhagavad Gita describes true silence as a reflection of the divine within us. In empathic silence we are listening to what the other person is saying, not to what we are saying about what the other person is saying. That is, we are attuned to the person’s words and the emotion and intention behind the words, not to our judgments, planned responses or comments towards the other person’s self-expression. We are deeply listening, receiving another person with full presence, intense interest and an open heart. Such listening expands the spirits of both speaker and listener.
DYING…
“Dying is a process in the adventure of conscious living.”
David B. Wolf
EMPATHY INSPIRES ACTION
Excerpt From Relationships That Work: The Power Of Conscious Living
- By David B. Wolf
In the safe and trusting environment created through empathic listening, we are inspired to explore deeply, which often leads to problem-resolution. We may have a great idea how to help someone resolve a challenge, or at least think we do. Reflective listening in sattva guna is based on the assumption that each of us possesses the capacity to handle his or her life with excellence. The necessary qualities and knowledge are within us. Usually it is more powerful to facilitate a person in generating his own solution rather than simply presenting him ours. If I arrive at an idea, I am more likely to commit to it and apply it in my life if it has not been provided by someone else. And often we find that our “great ideas” for someone else aren’t actually so great. Sometimes, because we did not carefully listen, our solutions are based on mistaken assumptions.
In the following case scenario Susan, supported by the reflections of the coach, augments her self-realization and concretizes an action plan.
Susan: I don’t want to encourage him. I think he may fall in love with me. Actually, he said that he is worried about this.
Coach: You’re afraid to give him encouragement. He expressed that he is worried about falling in love with you, and this scares you.
Susan: Yes. At the same time I like him. I don’t want to be unkind. I don’t know what to do.
Responding to the coach’s reflection of content and feeling, Susan broadens her exploration of the matter.
Coach: You want to be nice to him. You don’t want to be mean. You’re afraid to hurt his feelings. And also you’re fearful to attract him to fall in love. This is a conflict inside you.
Susan: Yes. I don’t know how to be with him. Before I was very natural.
Coach: You had a good friendship, and now you’re uncertain how to be with this person. You don’t want to falsely encourage him, and you don’t want to lose him from your life.
Susan: From my side also, I am afraid…to fall in love. But I value our friendship, and don’t want to lose that.
Like peeling the layers of an onion, Susan’s exploration, facilitated by the active listening of the coach, leads her to see beneath the surface of what she initially presented, and to focus on her fears and desires related to a romantic relationship.
Coach: You’re attracted to him, and you’re open to the possibility of a romantic relationship developing. Also, you are worried about losing your friendship with him.
Susan: And this has happened before. In my confusion I just pushed these men friends away. I would be mean.
Susan recognizes a pattern in her behavior, across time and relationships.
Coach: Your habit from the past is that you’d be unkind, and create a situation where they’d leave.
Susan: Yes, but I know I don’t have to be like that.
Through this empathic dialogue, Susan opens to new possibilities about how she can act in relationships. She does not need to be unkind or harsh to others, as a reaction to her own confusion and fear.
Coach: I hear that you really don’t want to put up a wall that will prevent you from whatever relationship could develop, and you know you don’t have to.
Susan: It’s a fear of myself, not trusting myself. Because I don’t trust myself, I don’t assert myself, and play games and put up walls. I don’t want to cause pain.
Coach: You’re scared to really stand for what’s true for you.
Susan: Yes. And it’s important for me to speak with him. I have been so withheld with him, and I do want to directly address this.
Susan clarifies that she wants to directly express herself to her friend about their relationship. For Susan, a result of being heard and understood is that she finds the courage to be clear, to abandon former ineffective relationship habits and to cultivate healthier ways of communicating and relating.
Coach: Just like you’re expressing yourself to me, you want to be able to do that with him, to talk with your friend about what’s going on between you and him.
Susan: He has shown a lot of courage. He did his part in sharing vulnerably with me. Now it’s time for me to do my part.
Coach: You want to reciprocate. He showed courage and you admire that, and now you want to be courageous with him. What’s your plan for this?
Susan: I will talk with him, by next Monday. As soon as possible.
Susan moves from confusion to clarity, and from commitment to action, through this transformative dialogue. Now, for the sake of comparison, suppose the listener had initially responded in the following way:
Susan: I don’t want to encourage him. I think he may fall in love with me. Actually, he said that he is worried about this.
Coach: Definitely you should speak with him. Share openly with him what’s true for you.
Though such advice may sound sensible, when the listener begins by advising, the client misses the opportunity for self-exploration and for generating his or her own personal realizations.
SERVICE IS BASED ON EMPATHY
“Service is necessarily based on empathy. To genuinely serve, we need to know the desires and needs of the person whom we are serving. Otherwise our endeavors to serve will be concocted, more self-serving than authentically caring about others.”
David B. Wolf
SERVICE
“In any field of endeavor, service entails an ability to listen, and a commitment to understand.”
David B. Wolf
ACTIVE…
“Genuine spiritual life is active.”
David B. Wolf
KARMA
“Though karma limits us, by cultivating sattvic qualities we change our karma, we step out of our past.”
David B. Wolf
