Posts Tagged ‘effective communication’
OPEN-ENDED QUESTIONS
Excerpt From Relationships That Work: The Power Of Conscious Living
- By David B. Wolf
“Computers are useless. They can only give you answers.” - Pablo Picasso
Open-ended questions are another valuable listening tool. Effectively utilized, they encourage the speaker to share more. A closed-ended question is one that invites a one-word answer. Some examples of closed-ended questions:
“How many years have you been at this job?”
“Were you happy in high school?”
“How many siblings do you have?”
An assumption behind closed-ended questions is that the questioner determines what is important. Open-ended questions assume that the person being questioned decides what is most essential. Examples of open-ended invitations include:
“What is your experience in this job?”
“I’d like to hear more about what high school was like for you.”
“Could you speak more about your relationship with your brothers and sisters?”
“What is your confusion about?”
Closed-ended questions have their healthy place in communication, though usually the information sought with a closed-ended question comes automatically—along with much more—in response to an open-ended query. For example, once I had a new client who expressed that she wanted to have a child. Though I considered that knowing whether she was nineteen or forty-two might be helpful information, I didn’t ask, “How old are you?” The conversation included open-ended questions such as, “What’s happening in your relationship with your partner on this issue of children?” and, “What would having a child mean for you?” In the natural course of conversation, the client disclosed that she was twenty-nine years old, without me needing to make it my specific agenda to gather that piece of information.
Appropriately used, questions help people to talk about themselves and concretely define their challenges and situations in terms of specific experiences, behaviors and emotions. Suppose someone says, “My family life is a mess.” With an open-ended question—such as “What is it about your family life that’s not satisfying for you?”—we invite the speaker to describe his situation more tangibly. He might respond, “My job has me traveling so much, and I can barely pay the bills. And my children are constantly fighting. I don’t know how to handle them.” At that point it may be appropriate to follow this with empathy, showing understanding of affect and content. “I hear that so much travel is stressful for you, and you’re experiencing a lot of financial strain. Also, you’re frustrated with your children.” This reflection could serve as a prompt for the speaker to further explore any one of the three areas. Though open-ended questions are a powerful listening tool because they show interest in the client’s world, keep in mind that too many consecutive questions can be a roadblock, causing the person to feel interrogated. An effective question will elicit rich information, and often it is valuable to follow the question with a reflective response to ensure that we’ve grasped the information.
Concreteness is another important principle in effective communication. If we find conversations to be uninteresting, it may be a sign that we lack concreteness, instead talking with excessive generalities. Concreteness comes with clarity, excitement and the potential to augment understanding, growth and connection. For example if I say, “I just don’t feel right,” my statement is vague. Your discovery about me will be enriched if I express with concreteness that, “I was awake all night studying. I don’t feel confident about the material, and I’m exhausted, and this test means everything about my future in the program.” An open-ended question is often an excellent means to encourage concrete expression.
Clarity in expression greatly influences people’s perception of us. Austrian statesman Metternich said, “Anything that is good in itself must be capable of being expressed clearly and precisely. The moment I come across words that are not very clear, I am left with the conclusion that they are either mistaken or deceitful.” As a suggestion for practicing concreteness in your life, describe an experience in writing—first vaguely, and then concretely. (For example, “Today was a downer” is an imprecise expression of experience, whereas “I had a terrible headache during my entire work day” is a concrete statement.)
PERSONAL POWER
“Personal power, including the ability to create satisfying boundaries, comes from effective communication.”
David B. Wolf
MORE ON EMPATHY
Excerpt From Relationships That Work: The Power Of Conscious Living
- By David B. Wolf
Note that showing understanding is not just a matter of finding words to mechanically describe the person’s emotion and content. It also includes matching the person’s energy. When a friend is feeling sad and down, a reflective statement from my side in an excited voice won’t yield understanding, although what I said was accurate. Empathy is more likely to be conveyed if our words are accompanied by an energy that matches the feeling of the situation. A discordant mentality, even if accompanied by correct reflective statements, can be a roadblock to effective communication. In this regard it is important to recognize that reflective listening is a tool that conveys the essence of empathy. Just because I make an accurate reflective statement does not necessarily mean that I am being empathetic. Conversely, it is possible to convey empathy while using a mode of communication that is on the “potential roadblock” list, although here we are focusing on techniques such as mirroring and effective attending to communicate empathy.
To experience the benefit of empathic dialogue, engage in it with some of the people in your life. Fully enter the world of the other person for at least fifteen minutes, using empathic listening to display understanding. Maintain comfortable eye contact and open-body position during the dialogue. Avoid roadblocks to communication. Simply be a mirror for the other person and notice your experience in attentively reflecting emotion and content. You can also switch roles, having the other person enter your world and mirror for you. To gain a real feel for the effect of empathic dialogue, the speaker should preferably talk about some issue that has an emotional charge for him or her. If you would like to increase the challenge, speak about an issue with emotional substance that is a source of tension between you and the other person. This process requires an ability to listen, and a commitment to understand.
By practicing dialogue in this format our communication becomes dialogical in spirit, even if we don’t adhere to a framework of structured dialogue. In genuine dialogue I allow others to complete their communication, accepting their experience as real and valid for them. In listening I am not focusing on my next point. A dialogue is not a debate. We are actually listening to each other, not merely taking turns in not listening. Especially when discussing highly charged subjects, or when it is apparent that communication has broken down, utilizing structure for empathic conversation may be particularly valuable. Apply this in your life and notice a decrease in reactivity, increased emotional safety and deeper connection.
Creating sacred space between us entails commitment to genuine dialogue. Dialogue means that I listen with a view to understand, rather than to counter or defeat. In a consciousness of dialogue, my intention in expression and hearing is not to manipulate, invalidate or prove that I am right. With true dialogue we create a sanctified environment, unadulterated by barriers to healthy communication. It is an enlightening experience. Educator Robert Hutchins comments, “Education is a kind of continuing dialogue, and a dialogue assumes different points of view.”Approaching relationships with an attitude of discovery and deep listening, means that diverse viewpoints enrich relations, rather than divide them.
To effectively live the principles and communication strategies described here requires that our consciousness rests in the mode of sattva—being able to observe while suspending judgment, and being compassionate toward another being. Such compassion is the essence of empathy, and a fundamental quality of a spiritual life. There is a Vedic aphorism, atmavat sarva-bhutesu, which describes the essence of spiritual compassion as “feeling the happiness and distress of others as one’s own.”
Empathy connects us with others, emerges from and is cultivated through self-realization. Renowned management consultants Jagdish Sheth and Andrew Sobel write: “It is widely accepted that self-awareness and the ability to regulate your own emotions are fundamental prerequisites to the practice of empathy…If you can’t tune into your own emotions, it’s going to be a stretch trying to discern those of others. And if you are overcome by your own feelings, you’ll never have the mental bandwidth to listen properly.” Empathy requires a genuine interest in others, and a sincere desire to expand our perspectives and learning.
PERSONAL POWER
“Personal power, including the ability to create satisfying boundaries, comes from effective communication.”
David B Wolf
INTEGRITY AND BOUNDARIES
Excerpt From Relationships That Work: The Power Of Conscious Living
- By David B. Wolf
To assert ourselves means to know ourselves. If I want to assert myself I need to know what I believe, what I feel, what I think and what is truly important for me. Thus, assertiveness is indispensable for a life of spiritual integrity. In examining my core principles, beliefs and aspirations, it is important to distinguish between what I think “should” be my principles, feelings and values, and what my actions actually reveal them to be. Such awareness is an important part of the process of spiritual development and genuine assertive expression.
Even if Robert’s reaction to his wife’s assertive expression is some form of fight or flight, Lisa’s assertiveness has assured that she is in her integrity. She has expressed her truth with courage and sensitivity. Our responsibility is not to change others—though with our assertive expression they may change. Our responsibility is to assert our own truth in a manner that respects the rights of others.
Additionally, with assertiveness Lisa establishes boundaries regarding how she is and is not willing to be treated. It is said that we teach people how to treat us, and with assertive expression we consciously give lessons on what we are and what we are not ready to tolerate. Personal power, including the ability to create satisfying boundaries, comes from effective communication.
Non-judgmental understanding is a valuable commodity. As you become a better listener, you may find that more and more people seek you out. This itself can present a challenge, one in which it is important to know how to establish personal boundaries. Being assertive means that we are able to maintain healthy boundaries that prevent us from becoming jaded, drained and of little use to anyone, without building walls that isolate us from others.
Knowing how to say no is an essential tool in creating boundaries. Influenced by a desire to please people and to be liked, we may lack the assertiveness to say no when we really want to. Let us keep in mind that if we say yes to something, we are implicitly also saying no to other things. For example, if I say yes to working overtime, I may be saying no to family or recreation time. Perhaps I am saying yes to fear of losing my job.
Proficiency in assertive expression keeps us energized and continually inspired to relate, give and contribute. Research among helping professionals has led to the development of a new field of study—compassion fatigue. This phrase refers to feelings of depletion from constantly absorbing the pain of others. Immediately following a traumatic event, such as a natural disaster or a violent attack, a team of helpers, including doctors, counselors, nurses and social workers, is sent to the scene. Nowadays, as a matter of course, a few days later a second team of mental health professionals is dispatched to address the compassion fatigue of the first team. It is understood that after being present for and intensely absorbing such intense grief for several days, many persons will naturally need intervention. This recognizes the importance of having sound boundaries in place when it comes to emotionally charged exchanges, and indicates the value of assertive communication. Preserving boundaries is integral to steadily participating in life and relationships with joy, appreciation and compassion.
ROADBLOCKS TO EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION
Excerpt From Relationships That Work: The Power Of Conscious Living
- By David B. Wolf
Imagine that you are in your workplace, about to enthusiastically share some ideas at a staff meeting. Your supervisor, however, repeatedly shuts you down every time you want to express yourself. Afterwards you approach a colleague and say, “Can you believe how he ran that meeting? He didn’t care what anyone had to say. And the way he treated me? I’m quitting this place!”
Below are several possible responses from your friend. After reading each statement, notice your gut reaction to it.
1) “You should sit down and talk with him. The two of you really need to clear things up, and I think you ought to initiate a conversation.”
2) “With that attitude you’ll be fired before you can quit, and let me tell you, you won’t find it easy to get a new job.”
3) “Just because you had a rough time at this one meeting is no reason to leave the company.”
4) “I know that you are a resilient and tolerant person. You are one of the best employees in the office.”
5) “Oh, don’t worry, it will be okay.”
6) “Life is like that, and you really need to accept it. Each of us takes it on the chin once in a while.”
7) “It sounds to me like you have authority issues, probably stemming from unresolved anger toward your father.”
8) “Hey, remember that restaurant we both really liked last week? Let’s go there for lunch.”
9) “Well, you have been lagging in producing those reports, so I don’t think you are in a position to point your finger at anyone. And also, you need to learn to speak up for yourself. You are not assertive enough.”
10) “You’re such a complainer.”
The above attempts to “help” represent some fairly typical ways in which people respond when faced with a situation that is emotionally charged for the person addressing them. The following list describes the type of communication presented in each of the above statements:
1) advice; 2) warning; 3) logical argument; 4) praise; 5) reassurance; 6) philosophizing; 7) psychoanalyzing; 
diverting; 9) criticizing; 10) name-calling.
Speaking for myself, none of the above responses would inspire me to express more to this person. If I am criticized or labeled I don’t feel appreciated as a person. If advised, ordered, warned or analyzed, I feel like some sort of object, being manipulated to fulfill the agenda of someone else. Even if it is “good” advice, I won’t necessarily feel heard and respected. Arguing or claiming that I shouldn’t be feeling or experiencing what I am feeling is frustrating and even insulting. Even “positive” responses, such as praise or reassurance, seem patronizing to me.
The above types of response are potential roadblocks to effective communication. This is only a partial list. Other possible roadblocks include attack, defense, denial, sympathy, labeling, preaching, threat and ordering. It is important to note that these responses do not always block communication. Each of these types of responses has its place in healthy communication. There is a time to give advice, a time to warn, to praise and to criticize. As an initial response to someone in an emotionally charged state though, these responses can often be experienced as interfering with the flow of expression. What we actually need to do is learn how to effectively use each type of response at the right time, making careful use of each one, just as a skilled carpenter would with each tool in his toolbox.
Roadblock responses tend to be about ourselves, rather than focused on the person who is expressing him or herself. We can also consider roadblocks within the framework of the three gunas, as described in the Be-Do-Have section. For example, a roadblock may be about my need, derived from the mode of rajas, to fix problems by giving solutions or offering advice, or my need, rooted in tamas, to avoid painful issues by changing the topic. Or they could relate to my desire for people to like me, through giving reassurance or praise, or my need to feel superior, by criticizing or categorizing.
Sattvic communication involves understanding things rightly as preliminary to response. In sattvic listening we genuinely focus on the other person. In this mode of illuminated, compassionate non-attachment, we are alert and attentive to the other person, without motive to coerce or manipulate. A roadblock does not necessarily mean that the responder lacks love or caring. Mastering sattvic communication skills offers us a powerful way to communicate our caring, concern and affection.
From William McLeod
I was resistant and skeptical to the idea of this at first. However, the reality of the immeasurable value of the course became apparent within the first three hours of the first day of the Foundational Seminar… This course has awakened potential within me I forgot I had. I want more! I would recommend it to everyone! Thank you!
Satvatove, Foundational Course, January 2010
Gainesville, Florida
True Power in Police Work: A Story of Transformation
by Jens Kirschner
From the Satvatove Archive:
In February 2006 I visited the Satvatove communication and transformation seminars. Till that time I considered myself as intelligent, self-confident, male and superior. I was able to express myself very well and convince others about my views. Discussions were battles for me that I wanted to win. Based on what I had heard about the Foundational Course, I did not consider it to be of great importance for me. I looked at the Advanced Course as a challenge.
In both courses I experienced completely new patterns and ways of dealing with myself and other people. Already in the Foundational Seminar I felt shaken, confused, weak and needy. Several times I wanted to run away as I was rediscovering my emotional personality. At the end of the Advanced Seminar I had decided to leave my job as a police officer, as my newly discovered “soft” side didn’t seem to fit that occupation anymore. However, at the start of the course we had agreed not to make major life decisions till at least two weeks after the end of the seminar, so I remained in my job.
After the courses I developed a new kind of self-confidence. I’ve reflected on myself and have learnt to accept other people with different opinions. I’ve learned to care about myself and in doing so I’ve also learned to show my environment that I care. I wouldn’t say my life is easier now. In some ways it has become more difficult since I’ve started to genuinely take responsibility for my life. But I have so much more energy available now and for the first time in my life I really feel alive.
My personal change has definitely affected my work as a police officer. Colleagues and citizens feel understood by me, valued and accepted. They have expressed how they have noticed and appreciate the shift in my character. I now feel much safer in my dealings as a policeman. Conflict situations are much less about me personally. In recent months, due to awareness of myself and attentiveness to be empathic in communication, I have encountered only one situation where a citizen resisted my actions in my law enforcement capacity.
In that special case I acted with fierce determination, while simultaneously considerate towards the offender. He was aggressive, and a threat to other young men present, as well as to myself and other police officers. To protect everyone involved I acted quickly and firmly. I did this with calm, with clear intention not to harm. I forced the offender to the ground, and the situation was efficiently resolved. Afterwards I helped the young man to his feet and with gentleness explained about further procedures. My colleagues were amazed that the encounter ended in an almost friendly mood between everyone. Instead of leaving police work, I am endeavoring to integrate my discovered qualities and personal communication strategies into this vocation, and the results have been deeply rewarding.
Dealing With Desk Rage
With increasing prices in nearly every market, many employees are now being expected to work more, for less pay. It is clear to see that tensions in the workplace are growing rapidly in this demanding environment.
In this Fox News interview, David Wolf Ph.D gives tools and techniques that are immediately applicable in your life, to deal with workplace hostility and create a more pleasant, peaceful, and appreciative workplace environment.
Relationships that Work
$14.95 – Limited Edition
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“This relationships book will touch the heart of every reader… Dr. Wolf’s unique ability to blend spiritual knowledge with practical advice makes Relationships That Work a must read for anyone seeking self-understanding and better communication…. Reading this book forced me to pause and reflect about the nature of my own life. This book is a worthy experience in today’s fast-paced modern world where doing and having often become facile substitutes for being.” - E. Burke Rochford Jr., Professor of Sociology and Religion, Middlebury College
Over 30 Years Experience
Relationships That Work: The Power of Conscious Living- How Transformative Communication Can Change Your Life contains four main sections. They are Spiritual Principles of Personal Growth, Transformative Communication: Creating Sacred Space, Be-Do-Have: A Paradigm for Conscious Living, and Realizing the Power of Conscious Living. In this relationships book Dr. David Wolf brings his 30+ years of experience in facilitation, counselor and coach training, and social and mental health services to provide you with a uniquely effective approach to a fulfilling life and satisfying relationships.
“Relationships That Work is straightforward and sublime, practical and profound. David’s relationships book inspires us to full expression in our lives. It is an experiential education, providing communication tools that open us to our spiritual journey.” – Sandy Grason, author of Journalution: Journaling to Awaken Your Inner Voice, Heal Your Life and Manifest Your Dreams
Transforming Lives
Transformative Communication, a communication-based foundation for self-realization, forms the basis for Relationships That Work. This relationships book is founded on the premise that we are spiritual beings having a human experience, and provides practical exercises and principles for you to master strategies for high-level communication.
You will be guided to recognize patterns of assumptions by which you’ve been living your life, and to replace unhealthy and ineffective belief systems with truths and principles rooted in your core spiritual identity. This relationships book will support you to step out of your past, taking from it what is valuable and leaving behind the rest. Through processes of courageous introspection described in this book, you are empowered to connect with what is vitally important, and live with intentionality to manifest your highest purpose.
“This is an extraordinarily compelling and practical relationships book on becoming a master of communication. Read it, apply the strategies and principles, and enhance your life and influence beyond what you thought possible!” - T. Harv Eker, author of the #1 NY Times Bestselling book Secrets of the Millionaire Mind.
The Most Important Book You Will Read This Year
With Relationships That Work: The Power of Conscious Living, David Wolf presents a universal, spiritually-centered and communication-based approach to powerful and satisfying relationships. Through his system of Transformative Communication David reveals in this relationships book a sublime and accessible model for realizing our spiritual selves while achieving our most cherished goals in all life dimensions.
Apply the strategies of conscious living described in the pages of this relationships book, and connect with the courage, inspiration and wisdom to create profound change in your self and your world.
Dr. David Wolf, author of Relationships That Work: The Power of Conscious Living, has facilitated seminars and workshops in more than a dozen countries, and has been extensively featured as a communications expert on media outlets such as Fox News and CNN News.
“Sometimes you find a book, and sometimes a book finds you. There is no doubt that the profound wisdom and lessons in this relationships book will find their way into the souls of millions of people around the world. No ifs, ands or buts – Dr. Wolf gives you the blueprint on how to be an influence-maker in your life and the lives of others.”
— Burke Hedges, author of 7 books with over 4 million books in print,
including the bestseller “Who Stole the American Dream?”
“In this relationships book David Wolf has provided us with a clear, accessible summary of key principles that have guided his life and work for decades. Distilled in this way, they illuminate problems in perception and communication that, left unchecked, can undermine good intentions and derail otherwise solid relationships. His years of training, practice and leadership in human relations and social welfare have converged here, providing readers with straightforward guidance in looking more deeply into their own tendencies and those of their loved ones and associates. By encouraging us to reflect, reframe, and act with clear intention, he gently directs us down a path to greater understanding of the opportunities and options available in both personal and professional relations.”
Neil Abell, Ph.D, LCSW
Associate Professor
College of Social Work
Florida State University
“During the past six years I have participated in several of David Wolf’s phenomenal workshops. They have been a life changing experience for myself and the other workshop participants. In his new book, ‘Relationships That Work: The Power of Conscious Living’, David Wolf shares with us the basic principles he covers in his workshops as well as the tools he teaches to make our lives more balanced and satisfying. Once we appreciate that our fundamental nature is spiritual and sacred, we are able to unlock the inner qualities that increase our ability to please others, and in doing so, make our lives more satisfying. You will learn how to effectively listen to others, become more empathetic, understand the roadblocks to communication, and remove self-imposed limitations. Like the workshops, this relationships book teaches us how to live our lives from the vantage point of choice rather than fear. As you read this book you are likely to have profound insights into your own psyche that will help you achieve a better understanding of yourself and how to improve your life. Thank you David for sharing these principles and tools in a book that will surely have a profound impact on our lives.”
Miriam Mendoza, Teacher- New York City Public School
