Posts Tagged ‘empathy’
WARMTH, EMPATHY & GENUINENESS
Excerpt From Relationships That Work: The Power Of Conscious Living
- By David B. Wolf
Researchers have conducted a multitude of studies on the effects of the many types of therapies to determine which approaches are most effective in helping someone feel better and solve problems. These studies have indicated that outcomes are not primarily correlated with the type of counseling being practiced. What do correlate highly with positive outcomes are the qualities of the counselor. The essential qualities of an effective helper are warmth, empathy and genuineness (WEG). That is to say, regardless of the theoretical orientation of the counselor or school of techniques used, the extent to which the practitioners possessed warmth, empathy and genuineness directly corresponded with successful results. Warmth, empathy and genuineness are inherent qualities of the self. Thus effective helping is not dependent on university degrees or experience in the mental health professions. (In fact, such training can even be a barrier. In one study only about 13 percent of mental health professionals responded with empathy to a depressed client.)
It is important to note that true warmth is not a sentimental emotive expression. It is sincere understanding and caring. We do not want to use warmth to cover for lack of competence in communication skills. Natural warmth inspires trust. With empathy we understand the other person’s perspective. This does not mean that we necessarily agree with that perspective; we can leave our frame of reference without abandoning it.
Genuineness means that we are authentic and spontaneous. While acknowledging that we may play various roles in life, we do not hide behind those roles. For example, though a person might recognize that he is the manager, child, youngest or senior member of a group, counselor or parent in a relationship, he does not allow these roles to become an obstacle to genuine human interaction.
TO INFLUENCE
“Empathy is crucial for wielding influence…”
Daniel Goleman
SATTVA AS A BASIS FOR SATISFACTION
Excerpt From Relationships That Work: The Power Of Conscious Living
- By David B. Wolf
As spiritual beings, a balanced and complete life includes cultivation of spirituality. Research has shown that spiritual practice correlates positively with better physical and mental health. Building spiritual habits entails scheduling time for spiritual practice, whether in the form of prayer, meditation, reading, attendance at congregational gatherings, silence or time with nature. If spiritual life is relegated to something we do if there is time after responding to our emails or completing household chores, it won’t happen.
A spiritual program that has worked for me for the past twenty-five years begins with rising early, by 4 or 5 a.m. This practice is itself invigorating. When I don’t do it, I definitely feel the difference. Another staple of my spiritual diet is about ninety minutes of early morning meditation. I have found that mantra meditation is most effective for me. The senses are centered around the mind, and mantra chanting engages several senses and abilities—including hearing, speech and touch, if the mantra is counted on beads such as a rosary. This makes it easier for our minds to focus on the vibration of the mantra. A mantra is a sound vibration that frees the mind (“mind” is derived from the first syllable of “mantra”) from material entanglement, from the modes of rajas and tamas, and elevates our existence to the spiritual platform. We have explored how we create our life with our words, and how our mode of speech determines the atmosphere of our internal and relationship world. Attentive mantra chanting is another means to spiritualize our life through sound vibration.
Jill Bormann has conducted research on mantra meditation with various populations including military veterans. She describes meditative time with a mantra as a “Jacuzzi for the mind. It’s something you can use to focus and calm yourself at a moment’s notice, and it doesn’t require money, it’s non-toxic, it’s inexpensive—a person just needs to practice it and make it a part of their lives.” Jill and other researchers have found that regular recitation of selected mantras significantly helps manage psychological distress and increase life satisfaction. The veterans with whom she worked chose from a variety of mantras from diverse traditions, such as Ave Maria and Ohm Shanti Rama.
My personal favorite mantra for meditation is one of India’s most beloved, The Maha Mantra, which goes Hare Krishna, Hare Krishna, Krishna Krishna, Hare Hare / Hare Rama, Hare Rama, Rama Rama, Hare Hare. Quantitative group and single-system research conducted by Dr. Neil Abell and myself has shown that chanting this mantra correlates with reduced stress and depression as well as with increased sattvic qualities such as peacefulness, fulfillment, emotional balance, mental clarity and sense of life purpose. Recitation of this mantra has been shown to be compatible for realization of our spiritual identity, supporting us in connecting with the innermost stratum of the living soul.
People are sometimes surprised that I spend more than two hours per day in direct spiritual practice, thinking that this would not leave sufficient time for other endeavors and projects. My experience, for over a quarter century, is that if I don’t devote at least two hours a day to activities such as chanting and reading spiritual literature, that connect me directly to spirit and to the source of my existence, then I actually have less time and energy to do things. My spiritual practice vitalizes and strengthens me, fills me with a sense of urgency about life, of not wanting to waste a moment. Also, spiritual practice, or sadhana, helps me to view and experience all my efforts in relation to God and spiritual development.
Each type of food has its characteristic mode. With reference to diet, sattva guna is complemented by foods that require a minimal amount of violence to obtain. Thus a vegetarian diet tends to increase our sattvic consciousness. There is a Buddhist aphorism— ahimsa paramo dharma—non-violence is the highest virtue. After witnessing the slaughter of an animal, Leo Tolstoy wrote, “This is dreadful!…that a man suppresses in himself, unnecessarily, the highest spiritual capacity—that of sympathy towards living creatures like himself…” To help us cultivate empathy and actualize refined spiritual consciousness, awareness of what we consume is vital.
We are influenced by the people we associate with, perhaps more than we realize. Developing sattvic habits and refining our character is facilitated by developing close relations with others who are similarly committed to the cultivation of self-realization. If we want to grow, to play a big game with our lives, it helps to surround ourselves with people who will support and challenge us to be the best that we can be. These are true friends who will not sell us short, and who actively encourage us to live in excellence. Just as a medical student will closely associate with other medical students to help achieve his or her goal, just as a businessperson interacts with other businesspeople, so an aspiring spiritualist seeks out the affiliation of like-minded spiritualists.
CLEAR INTENTION
Excerpt From A Coaching Letter Written By David B Wolf
“Clear intention” intrinsically means that we don’t know how the result will manifest. We may have a plan A, and a plan B. Even if all our plans fall through and don’t work, still we are clear that the result will occur. You say it very nicely- “Between effort and result there is a space.” There is no inherent connection. It is a mystic process, in the sense that the Supreme Mystic is the personal mechanism to fulfill clear intention. As described in Bhagavad-gita, causes for results include the senses, the endeavor, the doer, the place, and ultimately the Supersoul. Clear intention is a way of being that honors that divine space between action and result.
Clear intention, placing consciousness in results, and commitment, are ways of being. My understanding is that they are ways of being consistent with our spiritual nature. If we are committed to a result, and the outcome doesn’t manifest as we had hoped, this is an opportunity to look at ourselves, to examine what was in the way of my intention manifesting the results I desired, what is it about my consciousness such that the result is what it is, instead of something different and more satisfying. I know that you are taking this introspective track in your life, as evidenced in your letter, “obviously I need to look at myself.” So, whatever the results of our endeavors and intentions, it is healthy to look at ourselves to learn, improve and refine our character and efforts.
That said, even if we are completely situated in spiritual principles, fully fixed in clear intention, that doesn’t guarantee a result. I offer that that does maximize the possibility that the intended outcome will occur. Empathy is a way of being. Living in empathy maximizes opportunities for sweet, connected and satisfying relationships. Does it guarantee it? No. Assertiveness is a way of being, an integral element of our integrity. It doesn’t guarantee successful external results, though being assertive will very frequently be more effective than aggressiveness or excessive passivity. Stretch, growth, win/win, “on contract”, accountability, etc. – these are ways of being that facilitate a life of fulfillment, excellence and extraordinary results.
These ways of being are part of our integrity. Even in those circumstances when such ways of being don’t produce the external results we desire, internally we are in integrity, and that in itself is success, perhaps the greatest success.
ATTITUDE OF COMPASSION
“…more important than any words we use is our attitude. If our attitude is not one of compassion, then whatever we say will be experienced by the child as phony or manipulative. It is when our words are infused with our real feeling of empathy that they speak directly to the child’s heart.”
Faber & Mazlish
Empathy
“Empathy does not mean sentimentally acceding to the demands of others. Knowing how the other person feels and being able to show it does not mean agreeing with them. I can understand and be open to another perspective, while standing for my own viewpoint. This quality of empathy and the skill to express it underlies effectiveness across practically all life dimensions.”
David B. Wolf
From Natalie Marie Saltmarsh
Some of my realizations so far:
- The care & empathy I’ve received since the workshop + follow up phone calls + seminar fills me with gratitude + awe. Thank you!
- Tapped into my sensitivity + vulnerability in a safe environment + I am inspired to go further …at the advanced course in April.
- Learned tools to take responsibility for my broken agreements + awareness of the grungies + payoffs, so I can transform and instead be in my integrity w/ honesty + trust.
- “Have to” — “Get To”
- I am renewed, transformed, and thankful. The Satvatove in me greets + thanks the Satvatove in you.
Satvatove, Foundational Course, January 2010
Gainesville, Florida
TRANSFORMATIVE COMMUNICATION
The Satvatove programs feature an approach to self-empowerment based on transformative communication. This model is founded on the understanding that our identity is fundamentally non-material. This identity beyond the physical body is indicated in spiritual literatures such as the widely known yoga scripture Bhagavad-gita, which states “As the embodied soul continuously passes, in this body, from boyhood to youth to old age, the soul similarly passes into another body at death.” To be satisfying and complete, our self-help endeavors need to recognize this non-physical self. It is common to lose this awareness. Soren Kierkegaard once stated, “The greatest danger, that of losing one’s own self, may pass off quietly as if it were nothing; every other loss, that of an arm, a leg, five dollars, a wife, is sure to be noticed.”
Through the Satvatove system of transformative communication we create a sacred space, in ourselves and in relation with others, that links us with our spiritual nature. Consciousness is transformed as trust is developed, perspectives shift and possibilities expand.
Language reflects consciousness. Through transformative communication we become self-aware through language. This awareness is the basis for powerful personal change, which is then reflected in our thoughts, speech and activities. For example, I may notice that in my thoughts and words I frequently use “I can’t…” in circumstances where, in actuality, I could if I chose to. Realizing this I shift to “I am not willing to…” or “I am inspired to…” This is accompanied by a transformation from feeling powerless and down to experiencing vitality and confidence, and is evinced in potent action that generates fulfilling results in my life. Similarly, awareness of my tendency to prematurely give solutions, or probe with closed-ended questions, leads to discovery of an unhealthy need to control. With such self-realization I shift my consciousness to emphasize an attitude of wonder and discovery for life and each person I contact.
To effectively apply transformative communication it is important to distinguish between skills and substance. For example, there are skills for non-verbal attending behavior, such as:
Sitting squarely
Open-body position
Leaning forward slightly
Eye-contact
These are mechanics intended to convey respect and sincere interest in another person. The mechanics themselves do not necessarily mean that we are attentive and caring listeners, and sometimes effective listening is best displayed without the elements of SOLE. Reflective listening is a technique to express empathy, though an accurate reflection on its own does not intrinsically communicate the quality of empathy. Empathy is the substance. Reflective listening is a vehicle to transmit that substance. We speak of potential roadblocks to effective communication, such as advising, warning and reassuring. While these types of responses to a person with an emotionally-charged situation can often be barriers to communication, they can also convey compassion, understanding and empathy when appropriately utilized. In self-expression, assertiveness is the essential quality, and strategies such as “I” statements and WIN (What happened; Inside feelings and thoughts; Needs and wants) facilitate the expression of that essence.
In the trusting space created with transformative communication, we can clear our hearts and activities of unwanted things, such as self-deception, limiting beliefs, and interpersonal games that sabotage relationships. Such clearing opens the door to fully express our being and actualize a life of fulfilling purpose.
Christian philosopher Paul Tillich once remarked “The first duty of love is to listen.” A powerful tool for listening and transformative communication is silence. Properly used, silence conveys a grasp of another person’s emotions. While we do not want to use silence to avoid intimate and meaningful conversation, neither is it helpful to avoid silence due to feelings of discomfort. Often we fill silence with empty talk, fearing the vulnerability of silent connection. An attentive, caring silence is sometimes a more powerful way to heal and connect than the most carefully chosen and well-intentioned words. Actual silence means that the mind is also still. Silence doesn’t mean “empty”. It is a gateway to and manifestation of spiritual presence. Bhaktivedanta Swami wrote “Silence means that one is always thinking of self-realization.” It is said that God has given us two ears and one mouth, because we are meant to listen at least twice as much as to speak. Bhagavad-gita explains that true silence is a reflection of the divine within us. In empathic silence we are listening to what the other person is saying, not to what we are saying about what the other person is saying. That is, we are attuned to the person’s words and the emotion and intention behind the words, not to our judgments, planned responses, or comments towards the expression of the other. We are deeply listening, receiving another person with full presence, intense interest and open-heart. Such listening expands the spirits of speaker and listener.
Michael Ende created the character of Momo, a young girl whose silent presence connected people with their inner truth and transformed their consciousness. Daily Momo received a stream of visitors, eager for her association. Ende writes “Was Momo so incredibly bright that she always gave good advice, or found the right words to console people in need of consolation,…? No, she was no more capable of that than anyone else of her age. … what Momo was better at than anyone else was listening. She listened in a way that made slow-witted people have flashes of inspiration. It wasn’t that she actually said anything or asked questions that put such ideas into their heads. She simply sat there and listened with the utmost attention…fixing them with her big, dark eyes, and they suddenly became aware of ideas whose existence they had never suspected. Momo could listen in such a way that worried and indecisive people knew their own minds from one moment to the next, or shy people felt suddenly confident and at ease, or downhearted people felt happy and hopeful. And if someone felt that his life had been an utter failure, and that he himself was only one among millions of wholly unimportant people who could be replaced as easily as broken windowpanes, he would go and pour out his heart to Momo. And, even as he spoke, he would come to realize…he was absolutely wrong: that there was only one person like himself in the whole world, and that, consequently, he mattered to the world in his own particular way. Such was Momo’s talent for listening………Those who still think that listening isn’t an art should see if they can do it half as well.”
Consciousness is reflected in language, and language is not only verbal. There is kinesic and paralinguistic language. We see in the example of Momo the power of deep listening to convey empathy, hope and caring.
Below are exercises to help you cultivate and integrate tools for transformative communication.
For a few days observe how frequently you use empathic understanding in your communication style. After a few days, without being inauthentic or preoccupied with the effort, increase your use of reflective listening. Notice the impact of your use of empathy on others and on the process of communication.
Identify an interpersonal scenario in your life. Imagine you are making a statement about something that is troubling you, and then, taking the role of the person you are speaking with, write three responses, using different roadblocks. Use the roadblocks to which you are most susceptible. Consider the effect of the responses, and identify how each roadblock makes you feel. Then, formulate an empathic response for the scenario.
Example: A course participant approaching her teacher about the behavior of a third.
“I really think you need to speak with him one-on-one. I think he’s doing things that are not conducive for a healthy lifestyle.”
Roadblock response 1: “I think that you should be careful about telling me what to do, or else you may be the one I will want to talk to.” (threatening, warning)
Roadblock response 2: “Oh, he’ll be okay. Don’t worry.” (false reassurance)
Roadblock response 3: “You just go and tell him what you think and how he has to change!” (ordering)
Empathic response: “It is distressing for you to see that he is doing things that may be harmful for him. I can see that you”re concerned about him, and you”d like me to speak with him.”
