Posts Tagged ‘EST’
A QUESTION ON CHANGE
Excerpt From A Coaching Letter - By David B. Wolf
I think it important to realize, at least philosophically, that, yes, in a moment I can choose to let go of decades, maybe lifetimes, of conditioning, and thereby change. While acknowledging that possibility, it’s also often essential to realize that, practically speaking, I am influenced by my conditioning, past habits, past and current association, etc. Acknowledging those influences, being 100% responsible for my life, experience and results might look like, for example, joining Alcoholics Anonymous, or adjusting my association so that I surround myself with persons who will be more supportive of me changing the way that I say I want to, etc. If I have decades of addiction to excessively eating sweets- sure, I could in a moment give up that addictive habit. That’s possible. Practically, though, if I’m serious and fully responsible, I’ll acknowledge my weakness and take some external steps, such as, for example, not keeping chocolates on my desk to look at when I’m stressed out during the day. Sure, even if the chocolates are there, if I’m deeply intentional I won’t eat them. Still, being honest about where I’m at, sincere intention will manifest as establishing structures such as no chocolates in the house.
GREATEST GOOD
“The greatest good you can do for another is not just share your riches, but reveal to them their own.”
Benjamin Disraeli
FROM MARIAH
“It was a fabulous experience last weekend to have the opportunity to participate in the Foundational Seminar for a second time with both David Wolf and Marie Glasheen and all the other wonderful people this work attracts. I had no idea what to expect for the 2nd go. The Foundational Seminar, for me, this time was both humbling and very enriching. I feel I could take it ten times and continue to benefit every time. This has helped me feel stronger and more rooted in my path. The more I use and commit to this communication, awareness, and accountability practice, the more connected I feel to myself. For this amazing gift, I wish to share my deepest appreciation and gratitude for your work and the opportunity to be a part of it.
Thank You”
Mariah
Foundational Seminar – Florida, March 2011
HONESTY
“Our lives improve only when we take chances – and the first and most difficult risk we can take is to be honest with ourselves.”
Walter Anderson
TOLERANCE
“In the practice of tolerance, one’s enemy is the best teacher.”
Dalai Lama
OPEN-ENDED QUESTIONS
Excerpt From Relationships That Work: The Power Of Conscious Living
- By David B. Wolf
“Computers are useless. They can only give you answers.” - Pablo Picasso
Open-ended questions are another valuable listening tool. Effectively utilized, they encourage the speaker to share more. A closed-ended question is one that invites a one-word answer. Some examples of closed-ended questions:
“How many years have you been at this job?”
“Were you happy in high school?”
“How many siblings do you have?”
An assumption behind closed-ended questions is that the questioner determines what is important. Open-ended questions assume that the person being questioned decides what is most essential. Examples of open-ended invitations include:
“What is your experience in this job?”
“I’d like to hear more about what high school was like for you.”
“Could you speak more about your relationship with your brothers and sisters?”
“What is your confusion about?”
Closed-ended questions have their healthy place in communication, though usually the information sought with a closed-ended question comes automatically—along with much more—in response to an open-ended query. For example, once I had a new client who expressed that she wanted to have a child. Though I considered that knowing whether she was nineteen or forty-two might be helpful information, I didn’t ask, “How old are you?” The conversation included open-ended questions such as, “What’s happening in your relationship with your partner on this issue of children?” and, “What would having a child mean for you?” In the natural course of conversation, the client disclosed that she was twenty-nine years old, without me needing to make it my specific agenda to gather that piece of information.
Appropriately used, questions help people to talk about themselves and concretely define their challenges and situations in terms of specific experiences, behaviors and emotions. Suppose someone says, “My family life is a mess.” With an open-ended question—such as “What is it about your family life that’s not satisfying for you?”—we invite the speaker to describe his situation more tangibly. He might respond, “My job has me traveling so much, and I can barely pay the bills. And my children are constantly fighting. I don’t know how to handle them.” At that point it may be appropriate to follow this with empathy, showing understanding of affect and content. “I hear that so much travel is stressful for you, and you’re experiencing a lot of financial strain. Also, you’re frustrated with your children.” This reflection could serve as a prompt for the speaker to further explore any one of the three areas. Though open-ended questions are a powerful listening tool because they show interest in the client’s world, keep in mind that too many consecutive questions can be a roadblock, causing the person to feel interrogated. An effective question will elicit rich information, and often it is valuable to follow the question with a reflective response to ensure that we’ve grasped the information.
Concreteness is another important principle in effective communication. If we find conversations to be uninteresting, it may be a sign that we lack concreteness, instead talking with excessive generalities. Concreteness comes with clarity, excitement and the potential to augment understanding, growth and connection. For example if I say, “I just don’t feel right,” my statement is vague. Your discovery about me will be enriched if I express with concreteness that, “I was awake all night studying. I don’t feel confident about the material, and I’m exhausted, and this test means everything about my future in the program.” An open-ended question is often an excellent means to encourage concrete expression.
Clarity in expression greatly influences people’s perception of us. Austrian statesman Metternich said, “Anything that is good in itself must be capable of being expressed clearly and precisely. The moment I come across words that are not very clear, I am left with the conclusion that they are either mistaken or deceitful.” As a suggestion for practicing concreteness in your life, describe an experience in writing—first vaguely, and then concretely. (For example, “Today was a downer” is an imprecise expression of experience, whereas “I had a terrible headache during my entire work day” is a concrete statement.)
CONSCIOUSNESS IN THE RESULT & DETACHMENT FROM THE OUTCOME
Excerpt from group coaching correspondence with Dr David B. Wolf:
B: How are we to have consciousness in the result yet not be attached to the outcome?
D: By being focused on the result, and not how you will achieve said result, while remembering that if you achieve the result, you will be happy and fulfilled because you succeeded, and if you do not achieve the result, you will also be happy and fulfilled because you learned or will learn a valuable lesson from not succeeding, therefore Being happy and fulfilled either way 
David B. Wolf: I’m enlivened by B’s question, and D’s response. The question for me points to the heart of the process of self-realization, of spiritual growth- to cultivate caring and determined non-attachment. “Non-attachment” doesn’t mean apathy, or callousness. With our consciousness in the result we are fully committed, giving 100%. Simultaneously, as D describes, our experience of our essential qualities is not dependent on any particular external result. Such a consciousness illuminates the distinction between commitment, and attachment. We might mistakenly think that the more committed I am, the more attached I must be. Actually, being emotionally attached to a result, which is different than utilizing emotion to inspire us in giving fully, tends to get in the way of fully committing all our resources and energies towards our intended goal.
ILLUSION
“The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.”
George Bernard Shaw
FROM ANITA
“Thank you and your staff members for leading us through this seminar very successfully. I felt really cared for and it was done professionally but it didn’t interfere with the feeling that you are doing this seminar as a service to all of us. In one degree I was conscious that I have problems in communication. I also could identify some of them but it was very difficult to get rid of them, or better said, impossible. Now I’ve got tools to do that and some I’ve learned to use them but I can see how many tools are still for me to learn and use. This seminar is the best start and foundation for future good communication and relationships even with God. Thank you”
Anita
EMPATHIC SILENCE
Excerpt From Relationships That Work: The Power Of Conscious Living
- By David B. Wolf
In the novel Momo, Michael Ende creates the character of a young girl, who is a wonderful example of an empathic listener, and whose silent presence helps people connect with their inner truth. Momo receives a daily stream of visitors, eager to be close to her.
“Was Momo so incredibly bright that she always gave good advice, or found the right words to console people in need of consolation…? No, she was no more capable of that than anyone else of her age…what Momo was better at than anyone else was listening. She listened in a way that made slow-witted people have flashes of inspiration. It wasn’t that she actually said anything or asked questions that put such ideas into their heads. She simply sat there and listened with the utmost attention…fixing them with her big, dark eyes, and they suddenly became aware of ideas whose existence they had never suspected. Momo could listen in such a way that worried and indecisive people knew their own minds from one moment to the next, or shy people felt suddenly confident and at ease, or downhearted people felt happy and hopeful. And if someone felt that his life had been an utter failure, and that he himself was only one among millions of wholly unimportant people who could be replaced as easily as broken windowpanes, he would go and pour out his heart to Momo. And, even as he spoke, he would come to realize… he was absolutely wrong: that there was only one person like himself in the whole world, and that, consequently, he mattered to the world in his own particular way. Such was Momo’s talent for listening… Those who still think that listening isn’t an art should see if they can do it half as well.”
Silence itself is a potent listening tool, and can convey a grasp of another person’s emotions. While silence should not be used to avoid intimate and meaningful conversation, neither is it helpful to avoid silence due to feelings of discomfort. Often we fill silence with empty talk, fearing the vulnerability of silent connection. An attentive, caring silence is sometimes a more powerful way to heal and connect than the most carefully chosen and well-intentioned words. Actual silence means that the mind is also still. Silence doesn’t mean “empty.” It is a gateway to, and manifestation of, spiritual presence. Vedic scholar Bhaktivedanta Swami wrote, “Silence means that one is always thinking of self-realization.” It is said that God has given us two ears and one mouth, because we are meant to listen at least twice as much as to speak. The Bhagavad Gita describes true silence as a reflection of the divine within us. In empathic silence we are listening to what the other person is saying, not to what we are saying about what the other person is saying. That is, we are attuned to the person’s words and the emotion and intention behind the words, not to our judgments, planned responses or comments towards the other person’s self-expression. We are deeply listening, receiving another person with full presence, intense interest and an open heart. Such listening expands the spirits of both speaker and listener.
