Posts Tagged ‘listening’
ATTITUDE OF DISCOVERY
“Approaching relationships with an attitude of discovery and deep listening means that diverse viewpoints enrich relations, rather than divide them.”
David B. Wolf
DIVERSE VIEWPOINTS
“Approaching relationships with an attitude of discovery and deep listening, means that diverse viewpoints enrich relations, rather than divide them.”
David B. Wolf
EMPATHY INSPIRES ACTION
Excerpt From Relationships That Work: The Power Of Conscious Living
- By David B. Wolf
In the safe and trusting environment created through empathic listening, we are inspired to explore deeply, which often leads to problem-resolution. We may have a great idea how to help someone resolve a challenge, or at least think we do. Reflective listening in sattva guna is based on the assumption that each of us possesses the capacity to handle his or her life with excellence. The necessary qualities and knowledge are within us. Usually it is more powerful to facilitate a person in generating his own solution rather than simply presenting him ours. If I arrive at an idea, I am more likely to commit to it and apply it in my life if it has not been provided by someone else. And often we find that our “great ideas” for someone else aren’t actually so great. Sometimes, because we did not carefully listen, our solutions are based on mistaken assumptions.
In the following case scenario Susan, supported by the reflections of the coach, augments her self-realization and concretizes an action plan.
Susan: I don’t want to encourage him. I think he may fall in love with me. Actually, he said that he is worried about this.
Coach: You’re afraid to give him encouragement. He expressed that he is worried about falling in love with you, and this scares you.
Susan: Yes. At the same time I like him. I don’t want to be unkind. I don’t know what to do.
Responding to the coach’s reflection of content and feeling, Susan broadens her exploration of the matter.
Coach: You want to be nice to him. You don’t want to be mean. You’re afraid to hurt his feelings. And also you’re fearful to attract him to fall in love. This is a conflict inside you.
Susan: Yes. I don’t know how to be with him. Before I was very natural.
Coach: You had a good friendship, and now you’re uncertain how to be with this person. You don’t want to falsely encourage him, and you don’t want to lose him from your life.
Susan: From my side also, I am afraid…to fall in love. But I value our friendship, and don’t want to lose that.
Like peeling the layers of an onion, Susan’s exploration, facilitated by the active listening of the coach, leads her to see beneath the surface of what she initially presented, and to focus on her fears and desires related to a romantic relationship.
Coach: You’re attracted to him, and you’re open to the possibility of a romantic relationship developing. Also, you are worried about losing your friendship with him.
Susan: And this has happened before. In my confusion I just pushed these men friends away. I would be mean.
Susan recognizes a pattern in her behavior, across time and relationships.
Coach: Your habit from the past is that you’d be unkind, and create a situation where they’d leave.
Susan: Yes, but I know I don’t have to be like that.
Through this empathic dialogue, Susan opens to new possibilities about how she can act in relationships. She does not need to be unkind or harsh to others, as a reaction to her own confusion and fear.
Coach: I hear that you really don’t want to put up a wall that will prevent you from whatever relationship could develop, and you know you don’t have to.
Susan: It’s a fear of myself, not trusting myself. Because I don’t trust myself, I don’t assert myself, and play games and put up walls. I don’t want to cause pain.
Coach: You’re scared to really stand for what’s true for you.
Susan: Yes. And it’s important for me to speak with him. I have been so withheld with him, and I do want to directly address this.
Susan clarifies that she wants to directly express herself to her friend about their relationship. For Susan, a result of being heard and understood is that she finds the courage to be clear, to abandon former ineffective relationship habits and to cultivate healthier ways of communicating and relating.
Coach: Just like you’re expressing yourself to me, you want to be able to do that with him, to talk with your friend about what’s going on between you and him.
Susan: He has shown a lot of courage. He did his part in sharing vulnerably with me. Now it’s time for me to do my part.
Coach: You want to reciprocate. He showed courage and you admire that, and now you want to be courageous with him. What’s your plan for this?
Susan: I will talk with him, by next Monday. As soon as possible.
Susan moves from confusion to clarity, and from commitment to action, through this transformative dialogue. Now, for the sake of comparison, suppose the listener had initially responded in the following way:
Susan: I don’t want to encourage him. I think he may fall in love with me. Actually, he said that he is worried about this.
Coach: Definitely you should speak with him. Share openly with him what’s true for you.
Though such advice may sound sensible, when the listener begins by advising, the client misses the opportunity for self-exploration and for generating his or her own personal realizations.
TO SERVE…
“In any field of endeavour, service entails an ability to listen, and a commitment to understand.”
David B. Wolf
UNDERSTANDING…
“The most basic of all human needs is the need to understand and be understood. The best way to understand people is to listen to them.”
Ralph Nichols
MORE THAN WORDS
Excerpt From Relationships That Work: The Power Of Conscious Living
- By David B. Wolf
To be understood is a basic human desire. To know how to effectively listen and convey understanding is a key element in expressing love and care. Illuminating this principle, philosopher Paul Tillich once remarked that the first duty of love is to listen. Listening becomes especially important when we realize that as people we come together in community. A characteristic of genuine community is that conflicts and tensions are addressed, or communicated, in ways that enhance closeness and mutual understanding. According to psychologist Rollo May, “Communication leads to community, that is, to understanding, intimacy and mutual valuing.” In this chapter we will examine communication principles and strategies that facilitate deeper connection on a spiritual level. These principles and techniques are effective for anyone interested in high-level interpersonal living.
Studies have shown that in expressing our feelings and attitudes, only about 7 percent of what we communicate is conveyed through words. About 38 percent of communication is paralinguistic, referring to certain qualities of our voice such as tone, emphasis, volume, inflection and pitch. Think about the vastly different paralinguistic behavior of saying “How are you doing?” as a social formality, compared with “How are you doing?” expressed to a person who is dear to us, whom we have not seen for many years.
Research has indicated that about 55 percent of communication regarding feelings and attitudes is non-verbal, meaning not related to our voice in any way. There have been studies with college students and their teachers in which the students knew they were part of the experiment and the professors were unaware they were being studied. During a lecture the students were instructed to exhibit classic elements of what is known as attending behavior. These include sitting squarely, in open-body position, leaning forward slightly and making comfortable eye contact. The result was that the professors would speak spontaneously, make eye contact and be animated in their motions. At a certain cue the students would switch to poor non-verbal attending behavior. The teachers’ demeanor changed, becoming stiff. They began speaking in a monotone, looking down and reading from their notes. Although we may not be conscious of it, our non-verbal behavior affects others in a profound way.
The term psychotherapy derives from two Greek words: psyche, indicating the self or soul; and therapeia, meaning to attend to. To be a therapeutic influence for someone entails attending with our entire being, including our consciousness, words, tone, body language, and facial expressions. The physical aspects of proper attending behavior can be summed up as SOLE.
Sitting squarely
Open-body position
Leaning forward slightly
Eye contact
If we want to attend to someone, essentially we want to convey sincere interest, respect and caring, so that the person feels valued. Elements of SOLE are helpful in communicating this. Of course, in practical application we should consider circumstances such as culture. The meaning of eye contact between genders, or a particular body space, may contain varying messages across different cultures. Or perhaps we may be speaking on the phone, or in a car, where constituents of standard good attending are not practical. However, when it is practically appropriate, applying SOLE will usually enhance mutual trust in communication.
SERVICE THROUGH EMPATHIC LISTENING
Excerpt From Relationships That Work: The Power Of Conscious Living
- By David B. Wolf
Another character from a novel, Josephus in Herman Hesse’s The Father Confessor, was renowned as a great healer. In Josephus “a gift slumbered, and with the passing years…it slowly came to flower. It was the gift of listening. Whenever a brother from one of the hermitages, or a child of the world harried and troubled of soul, came to Josephus and told him of his deeds, sufferings, temptations, and missteps…or spoke of his loss, pain or sorrow, Josephus knew how to listen to him, to open his ears and heart, to gather the man’s sufferings and anxieties into himself and hold them, so that the penitent was sent away emptied and calmed…
“He regarded every man the same way, whether he accused God or himself, whether he magnified or minimized his sins and sufferings, whether he confessed a killing or merely an act of lewdness, whether he lamented an unfaithful sweetheart or the loss of his soul’s salvation. It did not alarm Josephus when someone told of converse with demons…He did not lose patience when someone talked at great length while obviously concealing the main issue…All the complaints, confessions, charges, and qualms that were brought to him seemed to pour into his ears like water into the desert sands. He seemed to pass no judgment upon them and to feel neither pity nor contempt for the person confessing. Nevertheless, or perhaps for that very reason, whatever was confessed to him seemed not to be spoken into the void, but to be transformed, alleviated, and redeemed in the telling and being heard. Only rarely did he reply with a warning or admonition, even more rarely did he give advice, let alone any order. Such did not seem to be his function, and his callers apparently sensed that it was not. His function was to arouse confidence and be receptive, to listen patiently and lovingly, helping the imperfectly formed confession to take shape, inviting all that was dammed up or encrusted within each soul to flow and pour out…”
Josephus experienced severe struggles, and discovered his own healing in entering the world of others, serving them as an instrument in their healing. To serve another person—be it a friend caring for friend or a businessperson serving a customer—means understanding the needs, desires, thoughts and emotions of that person. This is empathy, a way of being that creates a culture of trust, supports self-realization and generates a climate of healing and healthy resolution. This is a key quality in life-enriching relationships that are based on honor and respect for each individual.
The essence of these techniques and principles—such as empathy, effective attending behavior and appropriate silence—is to view the world from the other person’s perspective. Seeing the worldview of someone does not mean being in agreement with that view. We can be secure in our viewpoint while understanding another perspective. In fact, an internal sense of security naturally translates to an openness to other frames of reference.
IN ORDER TO SPEAK…
“Since in order to speak, one must first listen, learn to speak by listening.”
Rumi
ATTITUDE OF DISCOVERY
“Approaching relationships with an attitude of discovery and deep listening, means that diverse viewpoints enrich relations, rather than divide them.”
David B Wolf – Relationships That Work
