Posts Tagged ‘non-attachment’
CONSCIOUSNESS IN THE RESULT & DETACHMENT FROM THE OUTCOME
Excerpt from group coaching correspondence with Dr David B. Wolf:
B: How are we to have consciousness in the result yet not be attached to the outcome?
D: By being focused on the result, and not how you will achieve said result, while remembering that if you achieve the result, you will be happy and fulfilled because you succeeded, and if you do not achieve the result, you will also be happy and fulfilled because you learned or will learn a valuable lesson from not succeeding, therefore Being happy and fulfilled either way 
David B. Wolf: I’m enlivened by B’s question, and D’s response. The question for me points to the heart of the process of self-realization, of spiritual growth- to cultivate caring and determined non-attachment. “Non-attachment” doesn’t mean apathy, or callousness. With our consciousness in the result we are fully committed, giving 100%. Simultaneously, as D describes, our experience of our essential qualities is not dependent on any particular external result. Such a consciousness illuminates the distinction between commitment, and attachment. We might mistakenly think that the more committed I am, the more attached I must be. Actually, being emotionally attached to a result, which is different than utilizing emotion to inspire us in giving fully, tends to get in the way of fully committing all our resources and energies towards our intended goal.
ROADBLOCKS TO EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION
Excerpt From Relationships That Work: The Power Of Conscious Living
- By David B. Wolf
Imagine that you are in your workplace, about to enthusiastically share some ideas at a staff meeting. Your supervisor, however, repeatedly shuts you down every time you want to express yourself. Afterwards you approach a colleague and say, “Can you believe how he ran that meeting? He didn’t care what anyone had to say. And the way he treated me? I’m quitting this place!”
Below are several possible responses from your friend. After reading each statement, notice your gut reaction to it.
1) “You should sit down and talk with him. The two of you really need to clear things up, and I think you ought to initiate a conversation.”
2) “With that attitude you’ll be fired before you can quit, and let me tell you, you won’t find it easy to get a new job.”
3) “Just because you had a rough time at this one meeting is no reason to leave the company.”
4) “I know that you are a resilient and tolerant person. You are one of the best employees in the office.”
5) “Oh, don’t worry, it will be okay.”
6) “Life is like that, and you really need to accept it. Each of us takes it on the chin once in a while.”
7) “It sounds to me like you have authority issues, probably stemming from unresolved anger toward your father.”
8) “Hey, remember that restaurant we both really liked last week? Let’s go there for lunch.”
9) “Well, you have been lagging in producing those reports, so I don’t think you are in a position to point your finger at anyone. And also, you need to learn to speak up for yourself. You are not assertive enough.”
10) “You’re such a complainer.”
The above attempts to “help” represent some fairly typical ways in which people respond when faced with a situation that is emotionally charged for the person addressing them. The following list describes the type of communication presented in each of the above statements:
1) advice; 2) warning; 3) logical argument; 4) praise; 5) reassurance; 6) philosophizing; 7) psychoanalyzing; 
diverting; 9) criticizing; 10) name-calling.
Speaking for myself, none of the above responses would inspire me to express more to this person. If I am criticized or labeled I don’t feel appreciated as a person. If advised, ordered, warned or analyzed, I feel like some sort of object, being manipulated to fulfill the agenda of someone else. Even if it is “good” advice, I won’t necessarily feel heard and respected. Arguing or claiming that I shouldn’t be feeling or experiencing what I am feeling is frustrating and even insulting. Even “positive” responses, such as praise or reassurance, seem patronizing to me.
The above types of response are potential roadblocks to effective communication. This is only a partial list. Other possible roadblocks include attack, defense, denial, sympathy, labeling, preaching, threat and ordering. It is important to note that these responses do not always block communication. Each of these types of responses has its place in healthy communication. There is a time to give advice, a time to warn, to praise and to criticize. As an initial response to someone in an emotionally charged state though, these responses can often be experienced as interfering with the flow of expression. What we actually need to do is learn how to effectively use each type of response at the right time, making careful use of each one, just as a skilled carpenter would with each tool in his toolbox.
Roadblock responses tend to be about ourselves, rather than focused on the person who is expressing him or herself. We can also consider roadblocks within the framework of the three gunas, as described in the Be-Do-Have section. For example, a roadblock may be about my need, derived from the mode of rajas, to fix problems by giving solutions or offering advice, or my need, rooted in tamas, to avoid painful issues by changing the topic. Or they could relate to my desire for people to like me, through giving reassurance or praise, or my need to feel superior, by criticizing or categorizing.
Sattvic communication involves understanding things rightly as preliminary to response. In sattvic listening we genuinely focus on the other person. In this mode of illuminated, compassionate non-attachment, we are alert and attentive to the other person, without motive to coerce or manipulate. A roadblock does not necessarily mean that the responder lacks love or caring. Mastering sattvic communication skills offers us a powerful way to communicate our caring, concern and affection.
SATTVIC COMMUNICATION IN CONFLICT
Excerpt From Relationships That Work: The Power Of Conscious Living
- By David B. Wolf
A particularly challenging occasion for reflective listening arises when acrimony is directed toward us by persons with whom we are in a close relationship. A student once wrote the following to me: “One area that I find is very relevant for workshop participants …is the difficulty of doing empathic listening when a spouse or person very close to us is saying something that we totally disagree with. I once made great sacrifices for my wife and then she told me she didn’t like what I did and her reasons were totally uninformed. At that point I couldn’t imagine doing empathic listening. I was so upset I just screamed. It’s one of the most needed and most challenging times to do empathic listening.”
I replied: “I hear your challenge and frustration. It is relatively easy to empathize and reflect when the hostility, anger and resentment are directed toward some third party. When it’s directed toward us it is especially challenging to be sattvic, non-reactive, empathic and compassionate. It is particularly difficult in those instances, and also especially important. When we are able to notice our anger, pain or fear without giving our power to them, and to instead sincerely endeavor to understand the other person, before expressing what we want to say, we create the climate in these close and intimate relationships that we truly desire.”
At the start of the second day of a five-day seminar, a woman who was attending shared her experience from the previous night, after the first day of the seminar when we had covered empathic listening. “My son was in the bath and wanted to play with a particular bottle of liquid soap. I knew this soap would hurt his eyes and wouldn’t allow it. In the past this sort of scene would lead to an escalation of anger, affecting us, and the household, for at least a full day if not longer. ‘No, you can’t have it!’ ‘I want it!’ ‘I said no! Put it down!’ Instead I thought I’ll use the skills we learned that day in the workshop. ‘You’re really angry at mommy for not letting you play with that soap!’ ‘Yes, I want it!’ ‘I know you really wish you could have that bottle, and you’re mad at me because I won’t let you.’ ‘That’s right. I am.’ I couldn’t believe it. After about a minute the episode was over. His anger was gone, and we enjoyed each other’s company.”
Studies in labor-management discussions demonstrate that it takes half the time to achieve conflict resolution when all parties agree to accurately repeat what the previous speaker has said before responding.17 To do this requires sattvic consciousness, where we are attentive and sufficiently patient to mirror the other person’s statement, before saying our piece. Especially when we are in conflict with the other party, it requires substantial non-attachment to utilize reflective empathy and avoid roadblocks. Frequently in workshops I hear, “But David, using these techniques takes much longer.” My response is, “Yes, maybe it does. In the short run.” Sattvic communication may take longer up front. However, in the long run it avoids the anxieties and problems created by roadblock-filled tamasic and rajasic communication. For instance, we might spend more time in mirroring and empathic listening so that we understand an employee; his satisfaction though results in a more pleasant work environment where people want to stay. This in turn is likely to lead to higher efficiency and an increase in productivity.
Excellence
Below is an excerpt from a letter I wrote to a coaching client.
“With respect to ‘excellence’, I don’t regard this as something that is essentially expressed with some external result, though it could manifest that way. Excellence is a way of being. My perspective is that our responsibility is to live in correct principles, such as striving for excellence, empathy, assertiveness, be-do-have, clear intention, accountability and consciousness in the result. Living in those principles is itself success. We are not the Supreme Controller, and thus external results, in a sense, are not ultimately under our control. Living in alignment with principles of personal growth, we want to also cultivate healthy non-attachment from results. Such non-attachment is different from apathy. In non-attachment we give full effort, with deep caring.”
Written by David Wolf
