Posts Tagged ‘Personal Power’
PERSONAL POWER
“Personal power, including the ability to create satisfying boundaries, comes from effective communication.”
David B. Wolf
PERSONAL POWER
“Personal power, including the ability to create satisfying boundaries, comes from effective communication.”
David B Wolf
INTEGRITY AND BOUNDARIES
Excerpt From Relationships That Work: The Power Of Conscious Living
- By David B. Wolf
To assert ourselves means to know ourselves. If I want to assert myself I need to know what I believe, what I feel, what I think and what is truly important for me. Thus, assertiveness is indispensable for a life of spiritual integrity. In examining my core principles, beliefs and aspirations, it is important to distinguish between what I think “should” be my principles, feelings and values, and what my actions actually reveal them to be. Such awareness is an important part of the process of spiritual development and genuine assertive expression.
Even if Robert’s reaction to his wife’s assertive expression is some form of fight or flight, Lisa’s assertiveness has assured that she is in her integrity. She has expressed her truth with courage and sensitivity. Our responsibility is not to change others—though with our assertive expression they may change. Our responsibility is to assert our own truth in a manner that respects the rights of others.
Additionally, with assertiveness Lisa establishes boundaries regarding how she is and is not willing to be treated. It is said that we teach people how to treat us, and with assertive expression we consciously give lessons on what we are and what we are not ready to tolerate. Personal power, including the ability to create satisfying boundaries, comes from effective communication.
Non-judgmental understanding is a valuable commodity. As you become a better listener, you may find that more and more people seek you out. This itself can present a challenge, one in which it is important to know how to establish personal boundaries. Being assertive means that we are able to maintain healthy boundaries that prevent us from becoming jaded, drained and of little use to anyone, without building walls that isolate us from others.
Knowing how to say no is an essential tool in creating boundaries. Influenced by a desire to please people and to be liked, we may lack the assertiveness to say no when we really want to. Let us keep in mind that if we say yes to something, we are implicitly also saying no to other things. For example, if I say yes to working overtime, I may be saying no to family or recreation time. Perhaps I am saying yes to fear of losing my job.
Proficiency in assertive expression keeps us energized and continually inspired to relate, give and contribute. Research among helping professionals has led to the development of a new field of study—compassion fatigue. This phrase refers to feelings of depletion from constantly absorbing the pain of others. Immediately following a traumatic event, such as a natural disaster or a violent attack, a team of helpers, including doctors, counselors, nurses and social workers, is sent to the scene. Nowadays, as a matter of course, a few days later a second team of mental health professionals is dispatched to address the compassion fatigue of the first team. It is understood that after being present for and intensely absorbing such intense grief for several days, many persons will naturally need intervention. This recognizes the importance of having sound boundaries in place when it comes to emotionally charged exchanges, and indicates the value of assertive communication. Preserving boundaries is integral to steadily participating in life and relationships with joy, appreciation and compassion.
FROM NAROTTAMA
“I was helped to recognise some of my patterns and given tools to identify others. The workshop allowed me to look within and really own my strengths and personal power. For that alone it was worth attending.
I also learned that I value deep and meaningful connections to people, and am able to reach out and connect with authenticity.”
LANGUAGE REFLECTS CONSCIOUSNESS
Excerpt From Relationships That Work: The Power Of Conscious Living
- By David B. Wolf
An important aspect of the courses I conduct is that the participants examine their lives from alternative perspectives, and change for the better as a result of that exploration. At the core of this examination are the principles of choice and responsibility. A stance of personal responsibility is the most effective attitude for living a life of excellence and creating the experience and results we desire.
In the seminars we spend time looking at how language affects and reflects consciousness. For example, we consider the expression “I can’t” in contrast to “I’m not willing to.” Through an experiential process, participants often realize that they use “I can’t” to express a sense of disempowerment, whereby the script of their lives is written by external forces, whereas “I am willing to” or “I am not willing to” reflects a consciousness of responsibility, personal power and choice. Frequently I hear participants say that “I can’t” feels easier to say, although “I’m not willing to” is more honest.
Several years ago I was conducting couples counseling. In one case a man would regularly lose his temper with his wife. Sometimes this would happen at especially precarious times, such as when they were driving on the highway. Understandably, this behavior damaged the relationship. The woman acknowledged that she had played a part in the situation, provoking him in various ways. The man said, when his wife prodded him with particular statements, in a certain tone of voice, “There’s nothing I can do. I can’t help it. I just become enraged at her.”
I proposed to him a hypothetical scenario. “Your wife has said what she says in the tone of voice with which you are so familiar. She has done that, and it is the moment before you explode with rage. The difference is that this time you know that if you don’t lose your temper, you’ll receive ten million dollars, tax free. Would you become enraged with your wife?” Some hesitation, then, “Well, if I knew I was getting ten million dollars…no, I guess not.”
“But wait a second. I don’t understand. You said that you couldn’t help it. There was nothing you could do. You just had to get enraged with your wife.”
“Yeah, but ten million dollars…”
“Okay, now this is a different ball game. Now I am understanding that you have a choice, and you’re choosing to get mad at your wife. You just indicated that you could make other choices, and you’re choosing anger in that situation.”
As long as the power for his anger is with his wife, or any external factor, there is not much room for progress in addressing this client. Once he acknowledges choice, there is something to work with. “You have choices. How come you’re deciding to lose your temper with your wife? What other possibilities are available?”
As director of an international child protection office, I worked with a forensic psychologist who assisted us in designing training for child protection team members. He specialized in therapy for sex offenders. He shared a technique he utilized when the sex offender would not accept responsibility for his actions.
“I was in the room with the girl and I couldn’t help myself…”
The therapist would then offer, “Okay, suppose it’s the same scenario. You are in the room with the nine-year-old girl. This time, though, the difference is that also in the room is a police officer with a handgun. Would you touch the girl?”
“With a cop there with a gun! Of course not.”
“But you said you couldn’t help it.”
“Yeah but if a cop is there with a gun I’m not going to touch the girl.”
“Okay, so you had a choice. You could have decided differently. How come you chose to molest the girl?”
In this way the psychologist helped the offender acknowledge that he had hundreds of choice points, at each one of which he made a particular response, which led to a distinct result. He chose to speak to the girl in a specific way; he chose to turn the doorknob, and so on and so on. At any of these choice points the man could have responded differently and created a different result. Once this person had recognized his responsibility, and acknowledged that his responses (or lack of them) had led to the final situation, the therapist could productively address issues with him.
From Daniel
“The course has given me invaluable tools for dramatically increasing the quality of my life. I can openly and honestly say that it is the best course I have ever taken. The facilitation created such an incredible atmosphere required for transformation to take place. It seemed like you knew exactly where everyone was coming from, where they needed to go, and how to get there.”
Psychology Student
Combined Course 2002
