Posts Tagged ‘personal responsibility’
GRUNGIES & PAYOFFS
Excerpt From Relationships That Work: The Power Of Conscious Living
- By David B. Wolf
Let us look more closely at this stance of personal responsibility, with respect to our emotions. Spiritual traditions maintain that the inherent nature of our being consists of qualities such as joy, vitality, consciousness, clarity, radiance, warmth, compassion, love, connection, confidence, balance, beauty, playfulness, fulfillment and power. Also, a fundamental quality of the self that accompanies consciousness is self-determination, or freedom of choice.
The following are some emotions that people commonly consider to be unpleasant: anger, confusion, fear, feeling like a victim, humiliation, embarrassment, worthlessness, hurt, pain, sadness, resentment, guilt, bitterness, shame, anxiety, inadequacy, pressure, suffering, jealousy, disappointment, frustration, discouragement. Nobody actually likes to be troubled by these emotions.
Assuming that we have freedom of choice, and that our nature is vibrant, bright, powerful and free, how come we would choose experiences such as depression, bitterness, anxiety, worthlessness, fear, guilt and confusion? Based on my experience with people I can guess that some readers are saying, perhaps instinctively, “I do not choose these emotions.” Stay with the premise that we are at choice, that we are the creators of our experience. Even if we don’t believe this premise to be true, we can reflect on the idea, saying, “Okay, if it were true that I am choosing these emotions, why would I be doing this?”
If we notice responses such as, “It’s just a habit…I am conditioned that way,” dig deeper. We form habits for a reason. How come today, at this moment, we choose to accede to emotional habits like resentment, depression or discouragement? Whatever our past or conditioning may be, how come, now, we choose to be influenced by conditioning that results in sadness, pain and repeatedly being victimized?
In the spiritual transformation seminars that I conduct people frequently, after some initial resistance to the assumption of self-determination, generate reasons such as getting attention, gaining sympathy, feeling superior, feeling right, an excuse for not taking risks, protection, manipulation, maintaining an image, avoiding responsibility and reinforcing and justifying beliefs.
We will refer to the items on the unpleasant emotions list as “grungies,” and the items on the reasons list as “payoffs.” I want to acknowledge that I was first introduced to these terms, as well as several other concepts in this part of the book, through the Lifespring trainings developed by Dr. John Hanley, Sr. These lists are partial. Each of us could probably think of additional grungies and payoffs. The grungy-payoff connection varies according to one’s personality. Some of us, for example, may use depression to get attention, whereas others may use anger or confusion to receive attention. Below are a few examples of grungy-payoff interactions.
Examples of Grungy-Payoff Interaction
For as long as she can remember, Ricky has felt worthless, as if she has no value. She knows this is related to the way her father treated her. Still, in considering why she holds onto this feeling of worthlessness she has realized that she uses it as an excuse for not taking risks, to avoid the possibility of failure and also to get sympathy from others. If she let go of feeling worthless, experiencing instead her intrinsic value, she knows she would be more productive and fulfilled. With the new awareness that she does not have to feel worthless, Ricky notices that she no longer feels intimidated around people whose presence formerly caused her discomfort. Ricky experiences the truth of Eleanor Roosevelt’s statement, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”
Alan repeatedly finds himself in situations—within relationships, in his profession, and throughout his life—where he is the victim. Looking at this pattern from a responsible perspective, he recognizes that being in a victim role gets him attention, and even admiration, when he dramatically recounts his victim stories.
For more than a decade George has been confused and unclear about whether to commit to a university degree program or start his own business, about whether to remain single or get married. Now, adopting a responsible position of choice, he understands that he remains in confusion to avoid commitment and also to get attention from others, who often try to help him make decisions.
Jan lives in fear. Fear pervades her experience of life. Intellectually she knows that most of her fears are irrational. Reflecting on why she holds onto fear, she acknowledges that it serves her in several ways—such as not taking responsibility for the results in her life and protecting herself from hurt in relationships.
Gail is constantly in anxiety. When challenged with the perspective that “Anxiety is a choice,” she realizes that most of her anxiety is not productive. In fact, her successes have not resulted from her anxieties and fears, but despite them. She uses anxiety to protect herself from accepting responsibility that she does not think she could handle. With this new awareness, she begins to consider ways to establish healthy boundaries for herself, without excessive anxiety.
Everyone in Bill’s circle knows him as an angry person, irritable and severely agitated at the slightest perception of provocation. Honestly reflecting on himself from an accountable perspective, Bill sees that he has been using anger to get attention. As a small child that was the most effective way to get noticed. This strategy still works, to influence others to notice him, and also to manipulate people to do his bidding. But at what cost? Bill begins to consider the price he is paying in terms of intimacy, closeness and respect for hanging onto this emotional habit.
Stephen holds resentment from mistreatment he has suffered. Previously he never considered that he had a choice about this. Introspecting, and hypothetically accepting that he is responsible for his emotional state, Stephen unburdens himself of much emotional pain by acknowledging that by holding onto resentment he gets the payoff of feeling superior to the person whom he perceives has wronged him. Also, he uses resentment to avoid courageously confronting and communicating with people. Realizing the extent to which he has tormented himself by holding onto resentment, he personally relates to the saying, “Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.”
Karen carries heavy guilt, for the way she treated her parents when she was a teenager, for a financial indiscretion with a friend last year, for immaturity in a romantic relationship a decade ago, for not knowing what to say at the committee meeting yesterday, and for a multitude of events throughout her life. Shame and guilt are major coping mechanisms for her. When asked about her payoff for guilt and shame, after a short pause she responds that she receives the reassurance of others, who assure her that she is a good person and encourage her not to be harsh with herself. Meditating further, she realizes that she gets other payoffs—namely justifying her beliefs about herself and avoiding responsibility. Like all of us, Karen likes to think of herself as a good person. When she does something (or neglects to do something) that she perceives as bad, guilt serves to validate her virtue. “If a decent person does this bad thing, at least she feels guilty about it.” With such a framework of beliefs, one episode after the next would be a catalyst for Karen to accumulate and further entrench guilt and shame.
Responsibility, Guilt and Resentment
Sometimes we confuse responsibility and guilt, thinking, “I am responsible, therefore I am guilty.” Actually, it is a common grungy-payoff dynamic to use guilt to avoid responsibility. Instead of honestly looking at my responsibility for what happened, and ways I can rectify mistakes, I feel guilty. Rather than sincerely acting to improve my character and behavior, I feel guilt and shame about my shortcomings.
Guilt and resentment grungies relate to our expectations, as illustrated in the drawing below. The jar on the left represents your expectation of yourself. The line about 40 percent from the bottom indicates your reality of yourself. Instead of accepting and being satisfied with the reality—or constructively endeavoring to improve your behavior and character—you fill the remainder of the jar with guilt. The jar on the right represents your expectation of another person. The line designates the reality of that person. We have a choice. We could accept that reality; or we could initiate transformative communication towards productive change. But often, instead of making either of these choices, we fill the balance of the jar with resentment. Expectations, or the attachment to them, can be premeditated resentments. Much of our suffering arises from an inordinate desire to control life, insisting that life conform to our expectations. Resisting reality is a losing battle, while surrendering to it brings peace of mind and heart. Surrender does not mean that we abandon efforts to make the world and ourselves a better place. It means that we peacefully accept that life does not always yield to our designs, and that we transcend emotional reactivity to unmet expectations.
ELEPHANT AWARENESS AND THE PROCESS OF CHANGE
“Quitting is easy. I’ve done it dozens of times.” Learn the principles behind lasting change, and common pitfalls to achieving it. Listen Up as Dr. David Wolf discussed four essential elements of clear intention, and coaches callers on the personal process of self-discovery. Also in this edition of The Satvatove Radio Hour you’ll gain understanding of the relationship between full personal responsibility, being an instrument for divine will, and cultivating genuine humility.
Relationships That Work Radio Show, November 3rd, 2010
SATVATOVE RADIO SHOW- Elephant Awareness and the Process of Change, Nov. 3, 2010
Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.
INTERVIEW WITH DAVID WOLF AND KYLE MCNEIL HOSTED BY TERESA DE GROSBOIS
Building Effective Business Relationships – top mistakes and top principles to apply!
Join Teresa De Grosbois with teacher and author David Wolf from the Satvatove Institute, and speaker – author Kyle McNeil to discuss the top three mistakes people make and the top three principles you can apply to create great strategic alliances. International speaker and facilitator David Wolf brings three decades of experience counseling and coaching people. For the last decade he has facilitated courses in countless countries worldwide, teaching thousands of students about clarity, communication and personal responsibility. Kyle McNeil is one of Canada’s hottest rising young speakers and authors. Author of the well-read blog www.kylemcneil.com, Kyle is a student of Satvatove and brings real life experience to using these methods.
Teresa de Grosbois interviews David Wolf
LANGUAGE REFLECTS CONSCIOUSNESS
Excerpt From Relationships That Work: The Power Of Conscious Living
- By David B. Wolf
An important aspect of the courses I conduct is that the participants examine their lives from alternative perspectives, and change for the better as a result of that exploration. At the core of this examination are the principles of choice and responsibility. A stance of personal responsibility is the most effective attitude for living a life of excellence and creating the experience and results we desire.
In the seminars we spend time looking at how language affects and reflects consciousness. For example, we consider the expression “I can’t” in contrast to “I’m not willing to.” Through an experiential process, participants often realize that they use “I can’t” to express a sense of disempowerment, whereby the script of their lives is written by external forces, whereas “I am willing to” or “I am not willing to” reflects a consciousness of responsibility, personal power and choice. Frequently I hear participants say that “I can’t” feels easier to say, although “I’m not willing to” is more honest.
Several years ago I was conducting couples counseling. In one case a man would regularly lose his temper with his wife. Sometimes this would happen at especially precarious times, such as when they were driving on the highway. Understandably, this behavior damaged the relationship. The woman acknowledged that she had played a part in the situation, provoking him in various ways. The man said, when his wife prodded him with particular statements, in a certain tone of voice, “There’s nothing I can do. I can’t help it. I just become enraged at her.”
I proposed to him a hypothetical scenario. “Your wife has said what she says in the tone of voice with which you are so familiar. She has done that, and it is the moment before you explode with rage. The difference is that this time you know that if you don’t lose your temper, you’ll receive ten million dollars, tax free. Would you become enraged with your wife?” Some hesitation, then, “Well, if I knew I was getting ten million dollars…no, I guess not.”
“But wait a second. I don’t understand. You said that you couldn’t help it. There was nothing you could do. You just had to get enraged with your wife.”
“Yeah, but ten million dollars…”
“Okay, now this is a different ball game. Now I am understanding that you have a choice, and you’re choosing to get mad at your wife. You just indicated that you could make other choices, and you’re choosing anger in that situation.”
As long as the power for his anger is with his wife, or any external factor, there is not much room for progress in addressing this client. Once he acknowledges choice, there is something to work with. “You have choices. How come you’re deciding to lose your temper with your wife? What other possibilities are available?”
As director of an international child protection office, I worked with a forensic psychologist who assisted us in designing training for child protection team members. He specialized in therapy for sex offenders. He shared a technique he utilized when the sex offender would not accept responsibility for his actions.
“I was in the room with the girl and I couldn’t help myself…”
The therapist would then offer, “Okay, suppose it’s the same scenario. You are in the room with the nine-year-old girl. This time, though, the difference is that also in the room is a police officer with a handgun. Would you touch the girl?”
“With a cop there with a gun! Of course not.”
“But you said you couldn’t help it.”
“Yeah but if a cop is there with a gun I’m not going to touch the girl.”
“Okay, so you had a choice. You could have decided differently. How come you chose to molest the girl?”
In this way the psychologist helped the offender acknowledge that he had hundreds of choice points, at each one of which he made a particular response, which led to a distinct result. He chose to speak to the girl in a specific way; he chose to turn the doorknob, and so on and so on. At any of these choice points the man could have responded differently and created a different result. Once this person had recognized his responsibility, and acknowledged that his responses (or lack of them) had led to the final situation, the therapist could productively address issues with him.
Advanced – November 16-21, 2010
Advanced Seminar Experience
November 16 – 21, 2010
Developed & Facilitated By: David Wolf, Ph.D. and Marie Glasheen
Discover And Manifest Your Full Potential
- Address Life Issues In An Honest And Meaningful Way
- Explore Your Heartfelt Commitments, And Gain Clarity And Courage To Act On Them
- Connect With What Is Vitally Important To You
- Open New Possibilities For Greater Accomplishments And Joyfulness
- Transform Your Relationship With Fear
The Advanced Personal Transformation Experience
Building on the groundwork of the Foundational Life Skills Course, the Advanced Personal Transformation Experience is an intensive, highly experiential course that addresses life issues in a substantial manner.
Open New possibilities For Extraordinary Accomplishments And Satisfaction
In the Advanced Course participants explore more fully the real-life, practical applications and insights gained in the Foundational Course. The communication and personal growth tools acquired in the Foundational Course assist this process. Students identify their most genuine commitments and gain clarity and conviction to act on them. Through this Advanced Course you realize in a uniquely personal way what is integrally important to you. This realization results in aligning your life choices with your life purposes, and opens new possibilities for extraordinary accomplishments and satisfaction.
Personal Attention
This seminar provides directed coaching appropriate to each student’s intentions and goals. The staff assumes that students are committed to achieving excellence in all areas of their lives. Further, it is presumed that you have full capacity to effectively deal with your life situation, and that a stance of personal responsibility is best for achieving maximum potential and fulfillment. Students have abundant opportunity to realize their strength, ability, and potential for growth. During the Advanced Course students create and clarify their vision for their future, rise above self-imposed limiting beliefs, and discover the power to be the author of their life.
Tap Your Full Potential
There are vast reserves of unused strengths, unexpressed creativity, and unsung joy in each of us. This course offers the technology to bring this out, to remove the self-imposed limitations and allow the genuine self to shine. This seminar experience is an exciting opportunity to become conscious of your power and generate the life, accomplishments and relationships you want.
LIMITED SPACE AVAILABLE!
RESERVE YOUR SPACE IN ADVANCE!
Advanced Course Information:
Where: Alachua, Florida
When: November 16-21, 2010
Tuition Includes: 7-day, approximately 70-hour course, course materials, lunch and 1-hour post-seminar personal coaching interview.
Tuition: $2,500
Scholarships, Group and Early Registration Discounts and Payment plans are available.
100% SATISFACTION GUARANTEED!
If you are not satisfied you can request in writing a refund of the tuition
within 24 hours of the end of the seminar.
#7– Spirit of Discovery
The Nature of Spirit is to Expand
- Integrate the Spirit of Discovery in Your Life
- Grasp the Vital Distinction Between Humility and Humiliation
- Prevent Lapses from Becoming Major Relapses
- Learn the Various Dimensions of Personal Responsibility
- Listen to the 7th Video in the 7 Principles For Fulfilling Relationships Series
Advanced – November 5-10, 2011
Advanced Seminar Experience
November 5 – 10, 2011
Developed & Facilitated By: David Wolf, Ph.D. and Marie Glasheen
Florida Special
Register Now & Get A 40% Discount
The Advanced Personal Transformation Experience
Building on the groundwork of the Foundational Transformative Communication & Self-Empowerment Seminar Experience, the Advanced Personal Transformation Experience is an intensive, highly experiential course that addresses life issues in a substantial manner.
In This Seminar You Will Get The Opportunity To:
- Discover And Manifest Your Full Potential
- Address Life Issues In An Honest And Meaningful Way
- Explore Your Heartfelt Commitments, And Gain Clarity And Courage To Act On Them
- Connect With What Is Vitally Important To You
- Transform Your Relationship With Fear
Open New Possibilities For Extraordinary Accomplishments And Satisfaction
In the Advanced Course participants explore more fully the real-life, practical applications and insights gained in the Foundational Course. The communication and personal growth tools acquired in the Foundational Course assist this process. Students identify their most genuine commitments and gain clarity and conviction to act on them. Through this Advanced Course you realize in a uniquely personal way what is integrally important to you. This realization results in aligning your life choices with your life purposes, and opens new possibilities for extraordinary accomplishments and satisfaction.
Personal Attention
This seminar provides directed coaching appropriate to each student’s intentions and goals. The staff assumes that students are committed to achieving excellence in all areas of their lives. Further, it is presumed that you have full capacity to effectively deal with your life situation, and that a stance of personal responsibility is best for achieving maximum potential and fulfillment. Students have abundant opportunity to realize their strength, ability, and potential for growth. During the Advanced Course students create and clarify their vision for their future, rise above self-imposed limiting beliefs, and discover the power to be the author of their life.
Tap Your Full Potential
There are vast reserves of unused strengths, unexpressed creativity, and unsung joy in each of us. This course offers the technology to bring this out, to remove the self-imposed limitations and allow the genuine self to shine. This seminar experience is an exciting opportunity to become conscious of your power and generate the life, accomplishments and relationships you want.
LIMITED SPACE AVAILABLE!
RESERVE YOUR SPACE IN ADVANCE!
Advanced Course Information:
Where: North Florida
When: November 5 – 10, 2011
Tuition Includes: 6 days, approximately 70-hour course, course materials, lunch and 1-hour post-seminar personal coaching interview.
Tuition: $2,500
Scholarships, Group Discounts and Payment plans are available.
Florida Special
Register Now & Get A 40% Discount
100% SATISFACTION GUARANTEED!
If you are not satisfied you can request in writing a refund of the tuition
within 24 hours of the end of the seminar.
For Further Information, Contact Us:
352.505.2959
fayenen@satvatove.com
Advanced – April 23 – 28, 2011
Advanced Seminar Experience
April 23 – 28, 2011
Developed & Facilitated By: David Wolf, Ph.D. and Marie Glasheen
Florida Special
Register Now & Get A 40% Discount
The Advanced Personal Transformation Experience
Building on the groundwork of the Foundational Transformative Communication & Self-Empowerment Seminar Experience, the Advanced Course is an intensive, highly experiential course that addresses life issues in a substantial manner.
In This Seminar You Will Get The Opportunity To:
- Discover And Manifest Your Full Potential
- Address Life Issues In An Honest And Meaningful Way
- Explore Your Heartfelt Commitments, And Gain Clarity And Courage To Act On Them
- Connect With What Is Vitally Important To You
- Open New Possibilities For Extraordinary Accomplishments, Satisfaction And Joyfulness
- Transform Your Relationship With Fear
Open New Possibilities For Extraordinary Accomplishments And Satisfaction
In the Advanced Course participants explore more fully the real-life, practical applications and insights gained in the Foundational Course. The communication and personal growth tools acquired in the Foundational Course assist this process. Students identify their most genuine commitments and gain clarity and conviction to act on them. Through this Advanced Course you realize in a uniquely personal way what is integrally important to you. This realization results in aligning your life choices with your life purposes, and opens new possibilities for extraordinary accomplishments and satisfaction.
Personal Attention
This seminar provides directed coaching appropriate to each student’s intentions and goals. The staff assumes that students are committed to achieving excellence in all areas of their lives. Further, it is presumed that you have full capacity to effectively deal with your life situation, and that a stance of personal responsibility is best for achieving maximum potential and fulfillment. Students have abundant opportunity to realize their strength, ability, and potential for growth. During the Advanced Course students create and clarify their vision for their future, rise above self-imposed limiting beliefs, and discover the power to be the author of their life.
Tap Your Full Potential
There are vast reserves of unused strengths, unexpressed creativity, and unsung joy in each of us. This course offers the technology to bring this out, to remove the self-imposed limitations and allow the genuine self to shine. This seminar experience is an exciting opportunity to become conscious of your power and generate the life, accomplishments and relationships you want.
LIMITED SPACE AVAILABLE!
RESERVE YOUR SPACE IN ADVANCE!
Advanced Course Information:
Where: Alachua, North Florida
When: April 23 – 28, 2011
Tuition Includes: 6-day, approximately 70-hour course, course materials, lunch and 1-hour post-seminar personal coaching interview.
Tuition: $2,500
Scholarships, Group Discounts & Payment plans are available.
Florida Special
Register Now & Get A 40% Discount
100% SATISFACTION GUARANTEED!
If you are not satisfied you can request in writing a refund of the tuition
within 24 hours of the end of the seminar.
For Further Information, Contact Us:
352.505.2959
fayenen@satvatove.com
