Posts Tagged ‘relationship’
EMPATHY INSPIRES ACTION
Excerpt From Relationships That Work: The Power Of Conscious Living
- By David B. Wolf
In the safe and trusting environment created through empathic listening, we are inspired to explore deeply, which often leads to problem-resolution. We may have a great idea how to help someone resolve a challenge, or at least think we do. Reflective listening in sattva guna is based on the assumption that each of us possesses the capacity to handle his or her life with excellence. The necessary qualities and knowledge are within us. Usually it is more powerful to facilitate a person in generating his own solution rather than simply presenting him ours. If I arrive at an idea, I am more likely to commit to it and apply it in my life if it has not been provided by someone else. And often we find that our “great ideas” for someone else aren’t actually so great. Sometimes, because we did not carefully listen, our solutions are based on mistaken assumptions.
In the following case scenario Susan, supported by the reflections of the coach, augments her self-realization and concretizes an action plan.
Susan: I don’t want to encourage him. I think he may fall in love with me. Actually, he said that he is worried about this.
Coach: You’re afraid to give him encouragement. He expressed that he is worried about falling in love with you, and this scares you.
Susan: Yes. At the same time I like him. I don’t want to be unkind. I don’t know what to do.
Responding to the coach’s reflection of content and feeling, Susan broadens her exploration of the matter.
Coach: You want to be nice to him. You don’t want to be mean. You’re afraid to hurt his feelings. And also you’re fearful to attract him to fall in love. This is a conflict inside you.
Susan: Yes. I don’t know how to be with him. Before I was very natural.
Coach: You had a good friendship, and now you’re uncertain how to be with this person. You don’t want to falsely encourage him, and you don’t want to lose him from your life.
Susan: From my side also, I am afraid…to fall in love. But I value our friendship, and don’t want to lose that.
Like peeling the layers of an onion, Susan’s exploration, facilitated by the active listening of the coach, leads her to see beneath the surface of what she initially presented, and to focus on her fears and desires related to a romantic relationship.
Coach: You’re attracted to him, and you’re open to the possibility of a romantic relationship developing. Also, you are worried about losing your friendship with him.
Susan: And this has happened before. In my confusion I just pushed these men friends away. I would be mean.
Susan recognizes a pattern in her behavior, across time and relationships.
Coach: Your habit from the past is that you’d be unkind, and create a situation where they’d leave.
Susan: Yes, but I know I don’t have to be like that.
Through this empathic dialogue, Susan opens to new possibilities about how she can act in relationships. She does not need to be unkind or harsh to others, as a reaction to her own confusion and fear.
Coach: I hear that you really don’t want to put up a wall that will prevent you from whatever relationship could develop, and you know you don’t have to.
Susan: It’s a fear of myself, not trusting myself. Because I don’t trust myself, I don’t assert myself, and play games and put up walls. I don’t want to cause pain.
Coach: You’re scared to really stand for what’s true for you.
Susan: Yes. And it’s important for me to speak with him. I have been so withheld with him, and I do want to directly address this.
Susan clarifies that she wants to directly express herself to her friend about their relationship. For Susan, a result of being heard and understood is that she finds the courage to be clear, to abandon former ineffective relationship habits and to cultivate healthier ways of communicating and relating.
Coach: Just like you’re expressing yourself to me, you want to be able to do that with him, to talk with your friend about what’s going on between you and him.
Susan: He has shown a lot of courage. He did his part in sharing vulnerably with me. Now it’s time for me to do my part.
Coach: You want to reciprocate. He showed courage and you admire that, and now you want to be courageous with him. What’s your plan for this?
Susan: I will talk with him, by next Monday. As soon as possible.
Susan moves from confusion to clarity, and from commitment to action, through this transformative dialogue. Now, for the sake of comparison, suppose the listener had initially responded in the following way:
Susan: I don’t want to encourage him. I think he may fall in love with me. Actually, he said that he is worried about this.
Coach: Definitely you should speak with him. Share openly with him what’s true for you.
Though such advice may sound sensible, when the listener begins by advising, the client misses the opportunity for self-exploration and for generating his or her own personal realizations.
OPEN & HONEST
Excerpt From A Coaching Letter - By David B. Wolf
I hear that it is important for you to be open and honest with your mother. My suggestion, then, is to be open and honest with her. Be that way. And, respect and honor her for however she chooses to respond. She might be so appreciative, touched, and inspired. She might become angry, or hurt. I suggest that you take full responsibility for being open and honest. Your openness and honesty is 0% dependent on your mother, and 100% dependent on you. Go into this without expectations. Let however she responds be okay, while you are committed to continually being open and honest. Of course, you want to express your openness and honesty in a way that is as sensitive and empathic as possible, and I’ll be glad to consider with you how best to accomplish this. Being open and honest, express yourself as best as you are able, and give her space to respond as she chooses, and then you continue to be open and honest in relationship with your mother.
MORE THAN WORDS
Excerpt From Relationships That Work: The Power Of Conscious Living
- By David B. Wolf
To be understood is a basic human desire. To know how to effectively listen and convey understanding is a key element in expressing love and care. Illuminating this principle, philosopher Paul Tillich once remarked that the first duty of love is to listen. Listening becomes especially important when we realize that as people we come together in community. A characteristic of genuine community is that conflicts and tensions are addressed, or communicated, in ways that enhance closeness and mutual understanding. According to psychologist Rollo May, “Communication leads to community, that is, to understanding, intimacy and mutual valuing.” In this chapter we will examine communication principles and strategies that facilitate deeper connection on a spiritual level. These principles and techniques are effective for anyone interested in high-level interpersonal living.
Studies have shown that in expressing our feelings and attitudes, only about 7 percent of what we communicate is conveyed through words. About 38 percent of communication is paralinguistic, referring to certain qualities of our voice such as tone, emphasis, volume, inflection and pitch. Think about the vastly different paralinguistic behavior of saying “How are you doing?” as a social formality, compared with “How are you doing?” expressed to a person who is dear to us, whom we have not seen for many years.
Research has indicated that about 55 percent of communication regarding feelings and attitudes is non-verbal, meaning not related to our voice in any way. There have been studies with college students and their teachers in which the students knew they were part of the experiment and the professors were unaware they were being studied. During a lecture the students were instructed to exhibit classic elements of what is known as attending behavior. These include sitting squarely, in open-body position, leaning forward slightly and making comfortable eye contact. The result was that the professors would speak spontaneously, make eye contact and be animated in their motions. At a certain cue the students would switch to poor non-verbal attending behavior. The teachers’ demeanor changed, becoming stiff. They began speaking in a monotone, looking down and reading from their notes. Although we may not be conscious of it, our non-verbal behavior affects others in a profound way.
The term psychotherapy derives from two Greek words: psyche, indicating the self or soul; and therapeia, meaning to attend to. To be a therapeutic influence for someone entails attending with our entire being, including our consciousness, words, tone, body language, and facial expressions. The physical aspects of proper attending behavior can be summed up as SOLE.
Sitting squarely
Open-body position
Leaning forward slightly
Eye contact
If we want to attend to someone, essentially we want to convey sincere interest, respect and caring, so that the person feels valued. Elements of SOLE are helpful in communicating this. Of course, in practical application we should consider circumstances such as culture. The meaning of eye contact between genders, or a particular body space, may contain varying messages across different cultures. Or perhaps we may be speaking on the phone, or in a car, where constituents of standard good attending are not practical. However, when it is practically appropriate, applying SOLE will usually enhance mutual trust in communication.
THE NATURE OF SPIRIT
Excerpt From Relationships That Work: The Power Of Conscious Living
- By David B. Wolf
Great wisdom traditions affirm that our nature reflects the supreme. In Genesis, for example, it is said that we are created in the image of God. What is this supreme nature that we represent? Is it fearful? Confused? Resentful? Weak? Overwhelmed with anxiety? When I think of divine nature, I envision qualities such as power, vitality, fearlessness, contentment and compassion. In accord with the world’s major wisdom traditions, my conviction is that our fundamental nature is spiritual and sacred, inherently balanced, whole and complete. This understanding underlies the principles and process of this book.
The Vedic body of spiritual knowledge that has inspired much of my thought describes the central qualities of our spirit as sat, chit and ananda. This means that we are constitutionally eternal, conscious and blissful. We can understand something about this nature by observing ourselves. For example, whether through anti-lock brakes or thermonuclear devices, much of our energy is employed in eluding death. Why? Because as spiritual beings we are not meant to die. Each of us seeks to expand our consciousness, perhaps through a study of history, philosophy or maybe through the politics and economics of the day. We strive for happiness, knowledge and eternity in so many ways, but often do not find the joy and fulfillment we seek. This indicates that our activities may be misdirected, with respect to spiritual development, and leads us to wonder, “What is my essential activity as a spiritual being?”
FROM PETER
“Hey everyone.
I have never been a person to really go deep here but I am not afraid and I’d like to share my experience with everyone. Over the last two and a half weeks I have attended the Foundational and Advanced Courses at the Satvatove Institute www.satvatove.com.
Simply put, these seminars allow you to become the person you have always wanted to be. I have been through a dramatic transformation emotionally and mentally. The core focus is on communication. Communication with yourself and with others. It is quite amazing how much is not said when you are talking to someone. Not being sure whether they have received what you have spoken as what you mean and not receiving what they have said on the other end causes problems. I mean think of how often a mis-communication has caused problems in your life that could be avoided or even dissolved entirely if there was clear and concise communication.
I would like to give you an example of something that happened in my life. I know for me that a few months ago I got out of a relationship with a girl. Actually I was dumped… twice. Something that has never happened to me before. Usually I don’t allow that or I am not interested long enough in a girl to really give a damn. But with this recent relationship which lasted about 8 months total, I decided to let myself.. Love someone.
I fell head over heels for this girl. In fact she was exactly what I have been looking for in a woman in a long time. In every way she was what I wanted. We fell deeply for each other. Spent every second we could spare with each other and loved it all the while. I felt such a connection with this person, a connection that makes you believe that True Love is out there. Sounds perfect right? Wrong. She left me, for a lot of reasons which I won’t discuss here but My issue was letting her go. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t stop thinking about her, i couldn’t get her out of my head. Because I let her so fully into my life, everything in my life reminded me of her. I was going literally insane. I couldn’t trust myself. I couldn’t understand how I could allow myself to be so hurt by her and let it happen twice, wouldn’t i learn the first time? Obviously not. I went through weeks of torture. Beating myself up because I couldn’t figure out what I had done wrong.
Satvatove came into my life through her oddly enough. We were going to go to the seminars together, but being broken up I wasn’t going to go and she gave her spot away. After reading on their website what there mission was, I decided to still go. A decision I am so grateful I made. I thought that what I was doing wasn’t working, I HAVE to change something. My life was falling apart. I was going deep into debt, my relationships with my friends and family were deteriorating, I was doing very poorly at work and had a horrible attitude.
Through many hours I discovered that she filled a gap in my life. A large gap that i had been lacking. A gap i didn’t even realize was there. The reason I say that is because my father has never told me “i Love you” in my entire life. I had never even thought once about it before. But apparently it had damaged me so deeply during my childhood that I have carried that into my adult life. Because I was receiving affection and love from my girlfriend, I attached to that with an iron grip. And when it was gone I was completely destroyed.
By taking these courses I have become aware of who I really am. I have given up so many demons, so many things plaguing me, so many things that bring me down- eliminating self-degrading mental recordings. Since that time- IE- Last night… lol I have accepted that whatever relationship my ex is willing to have with me is OK. I don’t need her love any longer. I am not saying that it would not be nice to get back together but, the agenda is different. The motivation for the relationship is on a completely different level. Its not out of need, its out of a true desire to experience this person, not make up for my own short comings. Last night I even had the self-confidence to confront my father and ask him why he has never told me the loved me, and shown affection. He was speechless. In that moment I realized something. His mother died when he was 9, his father was an asshole. He probably didn’t know any better. Which is not his fault. But the real thing now is that I do not have to follow him as I have. I can love other people, and I can love myself. When I have children I will know better. I will not treat them as I was treated.
I believe from an example like that, people can change the world. There will be one fewer person who lets their thoughts and emotions control them. Instead they are aware of who they really are and how they affect each and every person they encounter.
I know this is a long read, but this was something that I will take with me my entire life. The people that shared this experience with me will be forever changed and so will I. These courses allow you to become the person you have always dreamed of being.
Thanks for listening everyone. I am a Trustworthy, Self Confident, Valuable and Lovable Human Being.”
Peter Sessler
FROM NORMA
“I truly enjoyed the personal transformation life skills workshop. What really enforced the concepts were the role-playing and the games. The experience I felt while putting into practice what I learned is something I can draw on. I know these skills will only serve to enhance my work with my clients and my relationships with my family. Thank you.”
Norma Rivera BSW – Social Worker
Giving & Receiving
Excerpt From A Coaching Letter Written By David B Wolf
… Sometimes we specifically make a distinction between receiving and taking. In taking we drain energy. We can even appear to be giving, and doing it in a way that drains energy. If we are truly open to receive what someone else has to give, then this receiving is a way of giving, because it enriches relationship, energizes all involved. If we are closed down to such receiving, then we stifle the energy of the relationship. It is important that we continually receive. That is a part of personal growth. Receiving the gifts of others, in the form of affection, caring, challenge, etc., we fill ourselves up with “medicine”, and thereby we consistently are filled with love to give in our lives. With regard to giving, if we are giving from the right place, we will be inspired. If we find our giving efforts give rise to resentment, tiredness, feeing drained, then probably are giving is mixed with a taking consciousness …
ATTITUDE OF GRATITUDE
Excerpt from “Relationships That Work: The Power of Conscious Living”
By David B. Wolf
Suppose we hear comments from another person about ourselves. Even if these comments seem completely inaccurate to us, we can appreciate the value in knowing that someone, perhaps representing many others, perceives us in that way. With such information we can adjust our presentation (which is different than compromising our genuineness) so that the perception people have of us is consistent with what is inside us. If the feedback we hear does strike a chord, perhaps causing us to react, then that may be an indication of an area for productive introspection. Even if the delivery of the feedback was not as caring and compassionate as we might have preferred, and even if we suspect that the comments significantly reflect on the other person’s issues, still we can use the observations for our own self-realization.
Accepting constructive feedback with an appreciative spirit, we are grateful that this person cared enough about us to be honest. Similarly, by our willingness to share honestly with people in our life, we give them the opportunity to respond honestly to us, to who we actually are. Otherwise, relationships degenerate to a pretentious exchange designed to maintain shallow, false facades, at the expense of vitality and the spiritual fulfillment that results from genuine reciprocation.
There also exists directly appreciative feedback, where we share with each other about qualities and behaviors that inspire and move us. In sharing appreciative comments it is especially enriching to be concrete, to specifically state what it is about the other person that we value and admire. For example, to say to someone, “You taught a good class” is not particularly concrete. In fact, it could be considered to be a judgment. Although it may be regarded as a positive judgment, it still may be a barrier to communication—just as much as a negative judgment is. This sort of compliment does not provide the receiver with as full an experience and understanding of thankfulness as a statement such as: “When you spoke about and demonstrated empathy, and about people not caring what we know till they know that we care, and about the power of completely entering the world of another person, I sensed worlds of possibilities open up for me, and felt so hopeful and grateful to be alive. I teach high school students, and this workshop has provided me so many exciting tools and principles to enhance my service to my students.” With such a statement the receiver clearly knows what he did that was appreciated, and how the person felt as a result.
Expressing appreciation in sattva guna means that our intention is to celebrate the life-enriching qualities of others, with no motive to manipulate or coerce, or to fulfill some personal agenda. Such sattvic gratitude is a cornerstone of spiritual life. Research has demonstrated that an attitude of gratitude is a key element of a fulfilled life … Practicing gratitude, intentionally being thankful, transforms how we view and experience the world. It infuses us with power to convert our most challenging times into sources of meaning and inspiration. Consciously being grateful and expressing thankfulness connects us moment-to-moment with the spiritual self’s sense of wonder and discovery. In giving appreciation we responsibly participate in the celebration and experience of life.
Receiving appreciation is also a wonderful opportunity to give to people. It is a chance to recognize that we contribute to joy and well-being, that we can be an instrument for the supreme spirit to nurture the lives of others. To receive gratitude in a sattvic manner means that we avoid snares such as feeling superior and arrogant, or denying that we are deserving (which deprives others of the fulfillment of having their appreciation gracefully received).
7 Principles For Fulfilling Relationships Radio Show- February 27
Show Hosted by Marie-Helene Glasheen
A time for practical application of the 7 Principles for Fulfilling Relationships. Callers present their real life situation in their relationships.
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