Posts Tagged ‘Relationships That Work’
EMPATHIC SILENCE
Excerpt From Relationships That Work: The Power Of Conscious Living
- By David B. Wolf
In the novel Momo, Michael Ende creates the character of a young girl, who is a wonderful example of an empathic listener, and whose silent presence helps people connect with their inner truth. Momo receives a daily stream of visitors, eager to be close to her.
“Was Momo so incredibly bright that she always gave good advice, or found the right words to console people in need of consolation…? No, she was no more capable of that than anyone else of her age…what Momo was better at than anyone else was listening. She listened in a way that made slow-witted people have flashes of inspiration. It wasn’t that she actually said anything or asked questions that put such ideas into their heads. She simply sat there and listened with the utmost attention…fixing them with her big, dark eyes, and they suddenly became aware of ideas whose existence they had never suspected. Momo could listen in such a way that worried and indecisive people knew their own minds from one moment to the next, or shy people felt suddenly confident and at ease, or downhearted people felt happy and hopeful. And if someone felt that his life had been an utter failure, and that he himself was only one among millions of wholly unimportant people who could be replaced as easily as broken windowpanes, he would go and pour out his heart to Momo. And, even as he spoke, he would come to realize… he was absolutely wrong: that there was only one person like himself in the whole world, and that, consequently, he mattered to the world in his own particular way. Such was Momo’s talent for listening… Those who still think that listening isn’t an art should see if they can do it half as well.”
Silence itself is a potent listening tool, and can convey a grasp of another person’s emotions. While silence should not be used to avoid intimate and meaningful conversation, neither is it helpful to avoid silence due to feelings of discomfort. Often we fill silence with empty talk, fearing the vulnerability of silent connection. An attentive, caring silence is sometimes a more powerful way to heal and connect than the most carefully chosen and well-intentioned words. Actual silence means that the mind is also still. Silence doesn’t mean “empty.” It is a gateway to, and manifestation of, spiritual presence. Vedic scholar Bhaktivedanta Swami wrote, “Silence means that one is always thinking of self-realization.” It is said that God has given us two ears and one mouth, because we are meant to listen at least twice as much as to speak. The Bhagavad Gita describes true silence as a reflection of the divine within us. In empathic silence we are listening to what the other person is saying, not to what we are saying about what the other person is saying. That is, we are attuned to the person’s words and the emotion and intention behind the words, not to our judgments, planned responses or comments towards the other person’s self-expression. We are deeply listening, receiving another person with full presence, intense interest and an open heart. Such listening expands the spirits of both speaker and listener.
EMPATHY INSPIRES ACTION
Excerpt From Relationships That Work: The Power Of Conscious Living
- By David B. Wolf
In the safe and trusting environment created through empathic listening, we are inspired to explore deeply, which often leads to problem-resolution. We may have a great idea how to help someone resolve a challenge, or at least think we do. Reflective listening in sattva guna is based on the assumption that each of us possesses the capacity to handle his or her life with excellence. The necessary qualities and knowledge are within us. Usually it is more powerful to facilitate a person in generating his own solution rather than simply presenting him ours. If I arrive at an idea, I am more likely to commit to it and apply it in my life if it has not been provided by someone else. And often we find that our “great ideas” for someone else aren’t actually so great. Sometimes, because we did not carefully listen, our solutions are based on mistaken assumptions.
In the following case scenario Susan, supported by the reflections of the coach, augments her self-realization and concretizes an action plan.
Susan: I don’t want to encourage him. I think he may fall in love with me. Actually, he said that he is worried about this.
Coach: You’re afraid to give him encouragement. He expressed that he is worried about falling in love with you, and this scares you.
Susan: Yes. At the same time I like him. I don’t want to be unkind. I don’t know what to do.
Responding to the coach’s reflection of content and feeling, Susan broadens her exploration of the matter.
Coach: You want to be nice to him. You don’t want to be mean. You’re afraid to hurt his feelings. And also you’re fearful to attract him to fall in love. This is a conflict inside you.
Susan: Yes. I don’t know how to be with him. Before I was very natural.
Coach: You had a good friendship, and now you’re uncertain how to be with this person. You don’t want to falsely encourage him, and you don’t want to lose him from your life.
Susan: From my side also, I am afraid…to fall in love. But I value our friendship, and don’t want to lose that.
Like peeling the layers of an onion, Susan’s exploration, facilitated by the active listening of the coach, leads her to see beneath the surface of what she initially presented, and to focus on her fears and desires related to a romantic relationship.
Coach: You’re attracted to him, and you’re open to the possibility of a romantic relationship developing. Also, you are worried about losing your friendship with him.
Susan: And this has happened before. In my confusion I just pushed these men friends away. I would be mean.
Susan recognizes a pattern in her behavior, across time and relationships.
Coach: Your habit from the past is that you’d be unkind, and create a situation where they’d leave.
Susan: Yes, but I know I don’t have to be like that.
Through this empathic dialogue, Susan opens to new possibilities about how she can act in relationships. She does not need to be unkind or harsh to others, as a reaction to her own confusion and fear.
Coach: I hear that you really don’t want to put up a wall that will prevent you from whatever relationship could develop, and you know you don’t have to.
Susan: It’s a fear of myself, not trusting myself. Because I don’t trust myself, I don’t assert myself, and play games and put up walls. I don’t want to cause pain.
Coach: You’re scared to really stand for what’s true for you.
Susan: Yes. And it’s important for me to speak with him. I have been so withheld with him, and I do want to directly address this.
Susan clarifies that she wants to directly express herself to her friend about their relationship. For Susan, a result of being heard and understood is that she finds the courage to be clear, to abandon former ineffective relationship habits and to cultivate healthier ways of communicating and relating.
Coach: Just like you’re expressing yourself to me, you want to be able to do that with him, to talk with your friend about what’s going on between you and him.
Susan: He has shown a lot of courage. He did his part in sharing vulnerably with me. Now it’s time for me to do my part.
Coach: You want to reciprocate. He showed courage and you admire that, and now you want to be courageous with him. What’s your plan for this?
Susan: I will talk with him, by next Monday. As soon as possible.
Susan moves from confusion to clarity, and from commitment to action, through this transformative dialogue. Now, for the sake of comparison, suppose the listener had initially responded in the following way:
Susan: I don’t want to encourage him. I think he may fall in love with me. Actually, he said that he is worried about this.
Coach: Definitely you should speak with him. Share openly with him what’s true for you.
Though such advice may sound sensible, when the listener begins by advising, the client misses the opportunity for self-exploration and for generating his or her own personal realizations.
EMPATHY DIFFUSES HOSTILITY
Excerpt From Relationships That Work: The Power Of Conscious Living
- By David B. Wolf
In my communication seminars I am often asked about diffusing hostility. An empathic response is the most powerful means for diffusing aggressiveness. In the mid-nineties I worked as a children and family counselor for the State of Florida Department of Foster Care. On one occasion an enraged father stormed into my office. “How could you tell the judge to keep my kid in foster care!?” Many responses were available to me. I could have yelled back, perhaps referring to his continued substance abuse or his irresponsibility in fulfilling his performance agreement. This would have likely escalated his fury. Or I could have calmly explained to him what he could do to get his child returned, which was the outcome that both of us desired. I began with empathy, matching his intensity. “I know you are furious with me. You’re upset that I recommended to the judge to keep your child in foster care for another three months.” He continued his tirade, and I continued my attempts at showing my understanding of what he expressed. I would not say that at any point in this conversation did this person develop a liking for me. However, after a few minutes he did sense that I was not his enemy, and that I cared about him and his son. His anger diffused through empathic listening and we were able to have a civilized and productive dialogue, during which I did share with him information about what he could do to accelerate the process of his child’s return. Once he knew that I cared, he began to care what I knew.
My wife and I once attended a lecture on Vedic spirituality, the theme of which was transferring consciousness from ahankara to atman. Ahankara refers to our false, materially based identifications, such as “I am white,” “I am fifty-two years old,” or “I am Peruvian.” Atman refers to identification with our true spiritual identity. On the ride home my wife shared an exchange she had had that day with a doctor, in her capacity as a nurse who inserts intravenous lines. The doctor had ordered a line inserted in a patient although Miriam, noticing various signs and symptoms indicating that it would not be medically advisable to do so, decided not to.
Doctor: I ordered the line put in!
Miriam: I see you’re very upset because I didn’t put in the line.
Doctor: Who the hell do you think you are!? I gave my orders and it’s not done!
Miriam: I know you’re really angry with me because I didn’t follow your orders about this.
Doctor: Yeah, that’s right. I’ve got so much to do and I wrote the instructions. I made it clear!
Miriam: I know you’re very pressured, under so much strain, and it’s so annoying for you that I didn’t put in the line. It’s extra anxiety—just what you didn’t need today.
Doctor: That’s right. How come you didn’t put in the line?
Miriam explained her reasons and they engaged in calm, rational dialogue about the best course of action for the patient. After describing this interaction to me, Miriam said of the doctor, “He went from ahankara to atman.”
A particularly challenging occasion for reflective listening arises when acrimony is directed toward us by persons with whom we are in a close relationship. A student once wrote the following to me: “One area that I find is very relevant for workshop participants …is the difficulty of doing empathic listening when a spouse or person very close to us is saying something that we totally disagree with. I once made great sacrifices for my wife and then she told me she didn’t like what I did and her reasons were totally uninformed. At that point I couldn’t imagine doing empathic listening. I was so upset I just screamed. It’s one of the most needed and most challenging times to do empathic listening.”
I replied: “I hear your challenge and frustration. It is relatively easy to empathize and reflect when the hostility, anger and resentment are directed toward some third party. When it’s directed toward us it is especially challenging to be sattvic, non-reactive, empathic and compassionate. It is particularly difficult in those instances, and also especially important. When we are able to notice our anger, pain or fear without giving our power to them, and to instead sincerely endeavor to understand the other person, before expressing what we want to say, we create the climate in these close and intimate relationships that we truly desire.”
At the start of the second day of a five-day seminar, a woman who was attending shared her experience from the previous night, after the first day of the seminar when we had covered empathic listening. “My son was in the bath and wanted to play with a particular bottle of liquid soap. I knew this soap would hurt his eyes and wouldn’t allow it. In the past this sort of scene would lead to an escalation of anger, affecting us, and the household, for at least a full day if not longer. ‘No, you can’t have it!’ ‘I want it!’ ‘I said no! Put it down!’ Instead I thought I’ll use the skills we learned that day in the workshop. ‘You’re really angry at mommy for not letting you play with that soap!’ ‘Yes, I want it!’ ‘I know you really wish you could have that bottle, and you’re mad at me because I won’t let you.’ ‘That’s right. I am.’ I couldn’t believe it. After about a minute the episode was over. His anger was gone, and we enjoyed each other’s company.”
Studies in labor-management discussions demonstrate that it takes half the time to achieve conflict resolution when all parties agree to accurately repeat what the previous speaker has said before responding. To do this requires sattvic consciousness, where we are attentive and sufficiently patient to mirror the other person’s statement, before saying our piece. Especially when we are in conflict with the other party, it requires substantial non-attachment to utilize reflective empathy and avoid roadblocks. Frequently in workshops I hear, “But David, using these techniques takes much longer.” My response is, “Yes, maybe it does. In the short run.” Sattvic communication may take longer up front. However, in the long run it avoids the anxieties and problems created by roadblock-filled tamasic and rajasic communication. For instance, we might spend more time in mirroring and empathic listening so that we understand an employee; his satisfaction though results in a more pleasant work environment where people want to stay. This in turn is likely to lead to higher efficiency and an increase in productivity.
EMPATHY: EFFECTIVE IN ALL LIFE DIMENSIONS
Excerpt From Relationships That Work: The Power Of Conscious Living
- By David B. Wolf
There is a distinction between thought empathy and feeling empathy, both of which are important in connecting with people and their experience. Research has found that women are slightly more empathic than men with regards to feeling empathy, grasping the emotion behind the words. With reference to thought empathy—apprehending the thoughts behind words—studies have indicated no significant gender difference. An interesting aspect of this research is that after training in empathy, gender differences for both emotion empathy and thought empathy disappear. This indicates that men are not inherently less empathic than women. The lower degree of feeling empathy in men may be primarily determined by culture, meaning that showing empathy does not correspond with the image that a man wants to project, and thus men are less motivated to be empathetic. This cultural facet may be changing though, as there is increasing evidence—some of which is cited below—that effectiveness in traditionally male-oriented occupations is associated with high empathy.
Across many fields of endeavor, including those where we might not imagine that listening and relationship skills are preeminent, empathy is understood to be an essential quality for success. In his book Emotional Intelligence, Daniel Goleman quotes the head of a Swiss bank: “My job is something like a family priest or doctor. You can’t be in private banking without using your emotional intelligence, especially empathy. You have to sense what your client hopes for, fears—even if he can’t express it in words.” Empathy is the most important quality in the assessment of applicants to the Harvard Business School’s graduate program, and the top five attributes are all “soft” qualities, such as being a team player, and being able to effectively coach people and understand their perspective.
Research has shown that in a multitude of professions, including police work, financial consulting and sales, higher empathy correlates positively with better performance, results and satisfaction. A study at a large polyester fiber plant demonstrated that empathy was the quality that most differentiated the most productive teams of workers from others. In the field of medicine, greater empathy correlates positively with more accurate diagnoses, higher patient satisfaction and other desirable outcomes. In a study comparing physicians who were sued for malpractice with physicians who weren’t, the quality that most distinguished the group that did not get sued was empathy. The doctors who were not litigated against were not necessarily more skilled. They were more empathetic, which meant that if an apparent mistake did occur patients were less likely to file suit.
Empathy does not mean sentimentally acceding to the demands of others. Knowing how the other person feels and being able to show it does not mean agreeing with them. I can understand and be open to another perspective, while standing for my own viewpoint. This quality of empathy and the skill to express it underlies effectiveness across practically all life dimensions.
Dealing With “Desk Rage” (Washingto D.C. Interview)
Transforming The World From The Inside Out
JUST LIKE HEAVEN ON EARTH: DECLUTTERING YOUR WAY TO HAPPINESS
Get coaching on whether you really need to keep those files from 1987. Hear David speak about his many broken CD players, as you discover the distinctions between earth, heaven, and the spiritual world- all in this Satvatove Radio Hour.
Relationships That Work Radio Show, January 12, 2011
SATVATOVE RADIO SHOW- Just Like Heaven On Earth: Decluttering Your Way To Happiness
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AN EMPIRICAL BASIS FOR HAPPINESS
Hear Dr. David Wolf discuss the Vedic Personality Inventory (VPI – www.Vedicpersonality.org). Learn about yourself through exploration of where you stand in relation to the three modes of nature. Deepen your understanding of karma, conscious living, and being commitment-driven, as you immerse yourself in this edition of the Satvatove Radio Hour, your station for self-realization.
Relationships That Work Radio Show, December 22, 2010
SATVATOVE RADIO SHOW- An Empirical Basis for Happiness
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EVERY EMOTION HAS ITS PLACE
Excerpt From Relationships That Work: The Power Of Conscious Living
- By David B. Wolf
The states of being on the grungy list are not always grungies. They have their natural place in healthy human emotional life. For example, suppose someone dear to you passed away, and the next day you felt no sadness or grief. That would be unnatural. Sadness in this case would not be a grungy. Now, imagine that ten years after this person passed away, you are still so grief-stricken that you cannot function, hardly able to rise from bed each morning. That sadness would likely be a grungy, with corresponding payoffs. A grungy is an unpleasant way of being that we do not rectify. We might complain, gripe and grumble about it, but we hold onto it. Here are some other examples of the distinction between natural emotion, and a grungy with a payoff.
Many of our fears are unjustified, though we maintain them for payoffs such as an excuse to not risk the possibility of failure, or to protect ourselves. Fear, though, is not always a grungy. There could be valuable messages from fear. For example, if I am fearful of walking in front of a moving truck on the highway, I trust that instinct as a natural protective mechanism, not a grungy that I need to overcome.
We have mentioned guilt. Guilt can be an indication that I need to transform or reform my character, or adjust my behavior. Guilt can be an impetus for positive change. That is different than hanging onto guilt for a payoff such as avoidance of auspicious change.
For important life decisions there is an expected time period during which we research, consult and gather information. We don’t want to act hastily. Lack of clarity for a period of time is natural. During that time, we have a clear sense that we are not ready to make a decision. Contrast that with using confusion and lack of clarity to actually avoid making a decision. After we have sufficiently gathered information and experience—whether it is about a career direction, relationship or other life matter—there comes a time to choose. If at that time we remain indecisive and confused, that may be a grungy with payoffs.
A certain level of stress is motivating, inspiring us to achieve worthy goals. If we find ourselves constantly overwhelmed with stress, however, we may want to consider why we have arranged our life in such a way that stress, pressure and anxiety are so prevalent.
Anger can serve us, protect us and help us establish effective boundaries. Also, anger can be a sign that I have some valuable message to communicate to others—and I can do this with assertiveness not belligerence. Such expressions of anger are different than holding onto anger and related emotions for secondary payoffs, such as getting attention or manipulating others to feel guilty (which may mean that anger becomes the predominant emotional posture). There is a vital distinction between venting anger in a manner that justifies holding onto resentful feelings and expressing anger in a way that is actually healing, nurturing and empowering.
Just as it is helpful to understand that each emotion has a natural role to play in our lives, it is also valuable to recognize that payoffs are not “wrong.” Though in some instances we may want to transcend the need for them, in other cases we may simply want to cultivate healthy and fulfilling ways to get them. For example, I might determine that I want attention and approval in my life, and I intend to receive this through noble actions and accomplishments, instead of through anger and guilt. At the same time, I might conclude that I do want to get rid of some of my desire for attention and approval, realizing that much of it comes from neediness that I have been living with since childhood, which is no longer a reality for me. Each of us likes to exert control over his or her environment. If we have been doing this through grungies, such as anger or depression, we may consider reducing our need for control, and also generating more productive, straightforward and beneficial means to exercise autonomy in our lives.
Grungy-Payoff Exercise
Identify two or three of your most common grungies and their corresponding payoff(s). Remember, a grungy is a way of being or emotional state in ourselves with which we are dissatisfied. Even if we intellectually understand the concept of grungies and payoffs, it can be challenging to recognize our own patterns, because we are so close to them. We have found that engaging others in this process can be very helpful. Perhaps form a group of two to six persons who are sincerely endeavoring to enhance their self-understanding and assist each other in recognizing your grungies and payoffs.
Whether you do this exercise on your own or with a group, while you are doing it, keep in mind the goal —to create positive change. Awareness is the first step in such change, though it is not the goal itself. With this frame of reference, consider how you will be, and then what you will do, instead of being stuck in the grungies and payoffs with which you are comfortable.
A responsible stance about our state of being is the focus in this grungy-payoff framework. What also needs to be taken into consideration is the influence of our past on our present. The past can certainly explain a lot about our present, but it cannot take responsibility for it. Only we can do that. Or at least, a responsible perspective is a very valuable stance in achieving the fulfillment and accomplishments we desire.
This exercise of identifying grungies and their payoffs can also be applied to physical symptoms, such as sickness or tiredness. I have seen many persons rid themselves of physical ailments through assuming a responsible perspective in this area. In making this suggestion, I am of course not suggesting that you neglect proper health care and the guidance of health care professionals. I invite you to try this responsible perspective. Apply it to areas of your life where you are not satisfied, and be open to whatever you may experience.
MICRO, MEZZO AND MACRO: WHAT’S THIS GOT TO DO WITH YOUR PERSONAL DEVELOPMENT?
Learn why in the Satvatove environment we tend to focus on the macro, (universal or philosophical principles), and the micro, (internal, psychological, spiritual and intrapersonal/interpersonal), and less on the mezzo. Hear about the distinct yet related conversations “To what extent am I giving 100%, living in integrity”, and “Do I want to stay in this relationships/job”. Listen to personal coaching and poignant discourse on a range of principles, including the essential importance of association, and the powerful effects of mirroring, in this edition of the Satvatove Radio Hour.
Relationships That Work Radio Show, December 15, 2010
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