Posts Tagged ‘Relationships That Work’
ACTION, INSIGHT, AND LIFE-CHANGING COACHING
Give your ears, intellect and soul the gift of listening to this edition of the Satvatove Radio Hour. Hear live high-impact coaching, and immerse yourself in the multidimensional approach to self-awareness called transformative communication.
Relationships That Work Radio Show, December 8, 2010
SATVATOVE RADIO SHOW- RAction, Insight, and Life-Changing Coaching, Dec. 8, 2010
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WHAT’S YOUR LEGACY?
What’s the actual meaning of “dharma”? Hear about this, and delve into another adventure of self-realization on the Satvatove Radio Hour hosted by David Wolf. Let this show be a catalyst to consider the legacy you’re leaving for the people in your life, and the world, and the possibilities to create a legacy that will be profoundly meaningful and fulfilling.
Relationships That Work Radio Show, December 1, 2010
SATVATOVE RADIO SHOW- What’s Your Legacy, Dec.1, 2010
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Satvatove Gift Certificate
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3 coaching sessions with David Wolf
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12 coaching sessions with Marie Glasheen
GRUNGIES & PAYOFFS
Excerpt From Relationships That Work: The Power Of Conscious Living
- By David B. Wolf
Let us look more closely at this stance of personal responsibility, with respect to our emotions. Spiritual traditions maintain that the inherent nature of our being consists of qualities such as joy, vitality, consciousness, clarity, radiance, warmth, compassion, love, connection, confidence, balance, beauty, playfulness, fulfillment and power. Also, a fundamental quality of the self that accompanies consciousness is self-determination, or freedom of choice.
The following are some emotions that people commonly consider to be unpleasant: anger, confusion, fear, feeling like a victim, humiliation, embarrassment, worthlessness, hurt, pain, sadness, resentment, guilt, bitterness, shame, anxiety, inadequacy, pressure, suffering, jealousy, disappointment, frustration, discouragement. Nobody actually likes to be troubled by these emotions.
Assuming that we have freedom of choice, and that our nature is vibrant, bright, powerful and free, how come we would choose experiences such as depression, bitterness, anxiety, worthlessness, fear, guilt and confusion? Based on my experience with people I can guess that some readers are saying, perhaps instinctively, “I do not choose these emotions.” Stay with the premise that we are at choice, that we are the creators of our experience. Even if we don’t believe this premise to be true, we can reflect on the idea, saying, “Okay, if it were true that I am choosing these emotions, why would I be doing this?”
If we notice responses such as, “It’s just a habit…I am conditioned that way,” dig deeper. We form habits for a reason. How come today, at this moment, we choose to accede to emotional habits like resentment, depression or discouragement? Whatever our past or conditioning may be, how come, now, we choose to be influenced by conditioning that results in sadness, pain and repeatedly being victimized?
In the spiritual transformation seminars that I conduct people frequently, after some initial resistance to the assumption of self-determination, generate reasons such as getting attention, gaining sympathy, feeling superior, feeling right, an excuse for not taking risks, protection, manipulation, maintaining an image, avoiding responsibility and reinforcing and justifying beliefs.
We will refer to the items on the unpleasant emotions list as “grungies,” and the items on the reasons list as “payoffs.” I want to acknowledge that I was first introduced to these terms, as well as several other concepts in this part of the book, through the Lifespring trainings developed by Dr. John Hanley, Sr. These lists are partial. Each of us could probably think of additional grungies and payoffs. The grungy-payoff connection varies according to one’s personality. Some of us, for example, may use depression to get attention, whereas others may use anger or confusion to receive attention. Below are a few examples of grungy-payoff interactions.
Examples of Grungy-Payoff Interaction
For as long as she can remember, Ricky has felt worthless, as if she has no value. She knows this is related to the way her father treated her. Still, in considering why she holds onto this feeling of worthlessness she has realized that she uses it as an excuse for not taking risks, to avoid the possibility of failure and also to get sympathy from others. If she let go of feeling worthless, experiencing instead her intrinsic value, she knows she would be more productive and fulfilled. With the new awareness that she does not have to feel worthless, Ricky notices that she no longer feels intimidated around people whose presence formerly caused her discomfort. Ricky experiences the truth of Eleanor Roosevelt’s statement, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”
Alan repeatedly finds himself in situations—within relationships, in his profession, and throughout his life—where he is the victim. Looking at this pattern from a responsible perspective, he recognizes that being in a victim role gets him attention, and even admiration, when he dramatically recounts his victim stories.
For more than a decade George has been confused and unclear about whether to commit to a university degree program or start his own business, about whether to remain single or get married. Now, adopting a responsible position of choice, he understands that he remains in confusion to avoid commitment and also to get attention from others, who often try to help him make decisions.
Jan lives in fear. Fear pervades her experience of life. Intellectually she knows that most of her fears are irrational. Reflecting on why she holds onto fear, she acknowledges that it serves her in several ways—such as not taking responsibility for the results in her life and protecting herself from hurt in relationships.
Gail is constantly in anxiety. When challenged with the perspective that “Anxiety is a choice,” she realizes that most of her anxiety is not productive. In fact, her successes have not resulted from her anxieties and fears, but despite them. She uses anxiety to protect herself from accepting responsibility that she does not think she could handle. With this new awareness, she begins to consider ways to establish healthy boundaries for herself, without excessive anxiety.
Everyone in Bill’s circle knows him as an angry person, irritable and severely agitated at the slightest perception of provocation. Honestly reflecting on himself from an accountable perspective, Bill sees that he has been using anger to get attention. As a small child that was the most effective way to get noticed. This strategy still works, to influence others to notice him, and also to manipulate people to do his bidding. But at what cost? Bill begins to consider the price he is paying in terms of intimacy, closeness and respect for hanging onto this emotional habit.
Stephen holds resentment from mistreatment he has suffered. Previously he never considered that he had a choice about this. Introspecting, and hypothetically accepting that he is responsible for his emotional state, Stephen unburdens himself of much emotional pain by acknowledging that by holding onto resentment he gets the payoff of feeling superior to the person whom he perceives has wronged him. Also, he uses resentment to avoid courageously confronting and communicating with people. Realizing the extent to which he has tormented himself by holding onto resentment, he personally relates to the saying, “Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.”
Karen carries heavy guilt, for the way she treated her parents when she was a teenager, for a financial indiscretion with a friend last year, for immaturity in a romantic relationship a decade ago, for not knowing what to say at the committee meeting yesterday, and for a multitude of events throughout her life. Shame and guilt are major coping mechanisms for her. When asked about her payoff for guilt and shame, after a short pause she responds that she receives the reassurance of others, who assure her that she is a good person and encourage her not to be harsh with herself. Meditating further, she realizes that she gets other payoffs—namely justifying her beliefs about herself and avoiding responsibility. Like all of us, Karen likes to think of herself as a good person. When she does something (or neglects to do something) that she perceives as bad, guilt serves to validate her virtue. “If a decent person does this bad thing, at least she feels guilty about it.” With such a framework of beliefs, one episode after the next would be a catalyst for Karen to accumulate and further entrench guilt and shame.
Responsibility, Guilt and Resentment
Sometimes we confuse responsibility and guilt, thinking, “I am responsible, therefore I am guilty.” Actually, it is a common grungy-payoff dynamic to use guilt to avoid responsibility. Instead of honestly looking at my responsibility for what happened, and ways I can rectify mistakes, I feel guilty. Rather than sincerely acting to improve my character and behavior, I feel guilt and shame about my shortcomings.
Guilt and resentment grungies relate to our expectations, as illustrated in the drawing below. The jar on the left represents your expectation of yourself. The line about 40 percent from the bottom indicates your reality of yourself. Instead of accepting and being satisfied with the reality—or constructively endeavoring to improve your behavior and character—you fill the remainder of the jar with guilt. The jar on the right represents your expectation of another person. The line designates the reality of that person. We have a choice. We could accept that reality; or we could initiate transformative communication towards productive change. But often, instead of making either of these choices, we fill the balance of the jar with resentment. Expectations, or the attachment to them, can be premeditated resentments. Much of our suffering arises from an inordinate desire to control life, insisting that life conform to our expectations. Resisting reality is a losing battle, while surrendering to it brings peace of mind and heart. Surrender does not mean that we abandon efforts to make the world and ourselves a better place. It means that we peacefully accept that life does not always yield to our designs, and that we transcend emotional reactivity to unmet expectations.
WE’VE GOT NO TIME TO LOSE, AND ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD
Learn about distinctions vital for self-realization, such as urgency and anxiety, simple and simplistic, and living in the moment and living for the moment. Listen to this edition of the Satvatove Radio Hour and discover the secret of cultivating lotuslike consciousness and rising above the modes of material nature. Hear David and Marie discuss and explore practically applied principles of personal
Relationships That Work Radio Show, November 10, 2010
SATVATOVE RADIO SHOW- We’ve Got No Time To Lose, and All the Time in the World, Nov. 10, 2010
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BE-DO-HAVE REVISTED
Excerpt From Relationships That Work: The Power Of Conscious Living
- By David B. Wolf
In setting and accomplishing life goals from a paradigm of conscious living, the equation begins with being. Often we specify the have part of the equation, then do the work of achieving the goal, but neglect to be. For example, suppose I am thinking, “If I have the right companion then I will live the life I desire and I will be loved, appreciated and affectionate.” In this mode focused on having, the process moves to doing things that we believe make sense to achieve the goal. This could mean going to bars, parties or perhaps to work or church—all with the intention of acquiring what we don’t have. Be-Do-Have on the other hand begins with experiencing ourselves as loved, contented and fulfilled. With this consciousness we attract into our lives relationships that enhance our being. Experiencing love, power, beauty, clarity, vitality, radiance and confidence is not dependent on having any particular relationship or external result, although we do invite and attract relationships and successes that enrich the full experience of our being.
Be-Do-Have consciousness is joyful, contented and powerful from the start. Living these qualities, I naturally do the things that joyful, contented and powerful people do—with the result that I have things that joyful, contented and powerful people have. Being compassionate, loving and confident, I naturally act in ways that compassionate, loving and confident people act—and thus I have what compassionate, loving and confident people have. The salient point about Be-Do-Have is not that it culminates in have, but that it originates in be.
Be-Do-Have is always in effect, whether we are conscious of it or not. If I am being depressed, fearful and irritable, I will do what depressed, fearful and irritable people do, and have the sort of relationships and life results that depressed, fearful and irritable people have. If I am being trustworthy, powerful and spirited, I will do things that trustworthy, powerful and spirited people do, and have the corresponding results, such as extraordinary success and rewarding relationships.
While doing and having flow from our being, they also enrich our being. Thus, being powerful, trusting and determined, I act with power, trust and determination. This activity in turn enhances my experience of being. It is not that my being was incomplete before the activity; this a dynamic process where being energizes doing, and doing nourishes being. Activity is generated from inspired being, not from a place of need.
In the Do-Be paradigm, I am in a mindset that believes “In order to experience the qualities of my being, I need to do such and such.” That is different than Be-Do, where I am living from the consciousness of “I am complete and whole; I am inspired to do these activities, which naturally intensify and augment my experience of being.”
Because spirit is transcendent of matter, and because the self is more powerful than material coverings, it is possible to choose the qualities of our being at any given moment—whatever the intricacies of those coverings. By doing some clearing work, by pulling weeds and watering flowers in the garden, we can prepare the field and thus make it easier to choose being. (Without minimizing the value of this work, the choice to be is not dependent on the clearing and watering work we have done beforehand.)
For example, before conducting a seminar, part of my preparation is to do mantra meditation for about ninety minutes each morning. This helps me to feel strong, clear and connected. Sometimes that doesn’t happen, for whatever reason. I know that chanting before the start of the seminar day is very helpful for me to experience myself as focused, spontaneous, confident and connected; but if it’s 9 a.m. and the seminar is about to begin, and I haven’t chanted yet, I am not willing to use that as an excuse not to be fully clear, present and connected. Whatever my preparation work has or hasn’t been, I can choose to be weak or powerful, foggy or clear, defensive or open.
MORE THAN WORDS
Excerpt From Relationships That Work: The Power Of Conscious Living
- By David B. Wolf
To be understood is a basic human desire. To know how to effectively listen and convey understanding is a key element in expressing love and care. Illuminating this principle, philosopher Paul Tillich once remarked that the first duty of love is to listen. Listening becomes especially important when we realize that as people we come together in community. A characteristic of genuine community is that conflicts and tensions are addressed, or communicated, in ways that enhance closeness and mutual understanding. According to psychologist Rollo May, “Communication leads to community, that is, to understanding, intimacy and mutual valuing.” In this chapter we will examine communication principles and strategies that facilitate deeper connection on a spiritual level. These principles and techniques are effective for anyone interested in high-level interpersonal living.
Studies have shown that in expressing our feelings and attitudes, only about 7 percent of what we communicate is conveyed through words. About 38 percent of communication is paralinguistic, referring to certain qualities of our voice such as tone, emphasis, volume, inflection and pitch. Think about the vastly different paralinguistic behavior of saying “How are you doing?” as a social formality, compared with “How are you doing?” expressed to a person who is dear to us, whom we have not seen for many years.
Research has indicated that about 55 percent of communication regarding feelings and attitudes is non-verbal, meaning not related to our voice in any way. There have been studies with college students and their teachers in which the students knew they were part of the experiment and the professors were unaware they were being studied. During a lecture the students were instructed to exhibit classic elements of what is known as attending behavior. These include sitting squarely, in open-body position, leaning forward slightly and making comfortable eye contact. The result was that the professors would speak spontaneously, make eye contact and be animated in their motions. At a certain cue the students would switch to poor non-verbal attending behavior. The teachers’ demeanor changed, becoming stiff. They began speaking in a monotone, looking down and reading from their notes. Although we may not be conscious of it, our non-verbal behavior affects others in a profound way.
The term psychotherapy derives from two Greek words: psyche, indicating the self or soul; and therapeia, meaning to attend to. To be a therapeutic influence for someone entails attending with our entire being, including our consciousness, words, tone, body language, and facial expressions. The physical aspects of proper attending behavior can be summed up as SOLE.
Sitting squarely
Open-body position
Leaning forward slightly
Eye contact
If we want to attend to someone, essentially we want to convey sincere interest, respect and caring, so that the person feels valued. Elements of SOLE are helpful in communicating this. Of course, in practical application we should consider circumstances such as culture. The meaning of eye contact between genders, or a particular body space, may contain varying messages across different cultures. Or perhaps we may be speaking on the phone, or in a car, where constituents of standard good attending are not practical. However, when it is practically appropriate, applying SOLE will usually enhance mutual trust in communication.
BE-DO-HAVE
Excerpt From Relationships That Work: The Power Of Conscious Living
- By David B. Wolf
According to the Vedas—the spiritual literature of ancient India—three gunas, or modes of material nature, permeate all facets of existence, from psychology to diet, from work to recreation. With reference to the three gunas, let’s explore the lack of innate correlation between the things list and the experience list.
Tamas is the mode of inertia, where our consciousness clings to a worldview that could be called Have-Do-Be. In this worldview we think, “If I could just have $100,000 in the bank, a nicer car, a job with paid vacation…then I could do what I want to do, and then I will be happy, satisfied, appreciated, vibrant.” Or, “If I had a nicer boss, then I would be content and peaceful.” In this mindset our experience is dependent on having. The adage “What profits a man if he gains the whole world yet loses his soul?” indicates the difficulties this attitude may bring.
Rajas is the mode of activity where we adhere to the framework of Do-Have-Be. In this way of thinking I consider that if I could just do what I want to do, then I will have what I want, and then I will be free, strong, giving and vital. In this scenario our consciousness starts from the point of activity, and experience is contingent upon that. With reference to this paradigm, Bhaktivedanta Swami writes: “Out of ignorance only, less intelligent persons try to adjust to the situation by fruitive activities, thinking that resultant actions will make them happy.” This is the To Do list model of existence. “If I could just complete my To Do list, I would be peaceful, content and satisfied.” In reality, it rarely works out that way. We are not human doings. We are human beings.
Sattva guna corresponds with enlightenment. Sattvic consciousness is the natural state of the authentic self. Steady in sattva, we live in the worldview of Be-Do-Have. Fixed in this way of being, experiencing strength, beauty, balance, security, intimacy, warmth and freedom is not dependent on doing or having. I don’t need to do or have anything to experience satisfaction, aliveness, courage and clarity—because these qualities are who I am. They are my essential nature. It is important to note that the Be-Do-Have worldview does not lack doing and having. In fact, our doing and having assume full potency, contrasted with tamasic or rajasic perspectives, because what we do and have flow naturally from our being. They are not separate endeavors. To experience joy, closeness, radiance and all other qualities of our self is not dependent on what we do or have. In Be-Do-Have, we naturally do things that bold, enlivened, successful people do, because our nature is bold, enlivened and successful. And of course we will have things that powerful, confident and trusting people have—such as abundance, rewarding activity and fulfilling relationships.
The well-known sacred text Bhagavad Gita, presenting the essence of Vedic teachings, delineates a Be-Do-Have approach to life. In this book Lord Krishna encourages his friend Arjuna to “Be transcendental… be free from dualities, be without anxiety, and be established in the self.” For many years I had been intrigued by the philosophical and psychological model described in the Gita. During my doctoral program I researched its systematic explanation of the gunas as a paradigm for understanding the incredible diversity we find in people and the world. This investigation resulted in the development of the Vedic Personality Inventory (VPI), a statistically validated personality assessment based on the paradigm of the three gunas. This research confirms the Vedic assertion that sattvic practices and attitudes correlate with greater fulfillment, balance and life satisfaction. The VPI is included in Appendix A, and I encourage you to complete it when you finish this section of the book to provide a baseline of your present relationship with the three modes of nature.
One of my coaching clients and I once focused specifically on him being patient and peaceful—qualities that were missing in his life, and which he wanted to cultivate. With earnest effort he connected with the patience and calm inherent to his being. During our following coaching session, he described with surprise that his supervisor had asked him to accept a position with increased responsibility, involving training others. The supervisor particularly mentioned that she offered the promotion because of his patience, and his ability to remain calm in stressful situations. Being patient and peaceful naturally resulted in acting in ways that patient and peaceful act (in this instance a more rewarding career activity), and having things that patient and peaceful people have (in this example an increased income). That’s Be-Do-Have.
In the above example we refer to “qualities that were missing.” Actually patience and peacefulness were never missing. They were covered. A diamond is always brilliant, radiant and strong, though it can be covered by dust or mud. Similarly, we never lose our qualities, though we might allow them to be covered by the modes of rajas and tamas. Spiritual development is a process of uncovering our qualities and fully manifesting them in our lives.
For years Donna struggled with her weight. “I had approached weight loss from a place of need,” she said. She was constantly dissatisfied, distressed. To be satisfied she needed to have a thinner body. Then she could wear the clothes she wanted, and she’d feel happy. Donna shifted her paradigm and way of thinking. “I am a satisfied person, even if I never lose a pound.” Donna’s relationship with eating transformed, reflecting her change in consciousness. She became a conscious eater instead of an emotional eater, resulting in a different body shape. Donna continues, “There is no longer this battle going on, this huge war inside me. After I have my meal I’m not telling myself, ‘You can’t have more; you can’t have a snack.’ I’m saying, ‘I’m fine. I’m satisfied.’ From that platform I can choose. It feels a lot more peaceful.” Connecting with her satisfied and peaceful being, Donna’s doing and having with respect to eating, weight and health, were naturally transformed.
Certainly a fulfilled life includes having comforts and enjoyable things, and doing things that give us pleasure. Yet without being rooted in a life of meaning founded in and emanating from our spiritual being, possessions and activity are hollow, devoid of significance, like a string of zeros. Living from the inside outwards, from our spiritual core, is the “1” that gives value to the line of zeros.
To the degree that we are conditioned to identify ourselves materially, and to paradigms such as Have-Do-Be, it requires effort to live from our spiritual core. At first this effort may feel like going against our grain. Be-Do-Have is not pretension. It is authentic connection with our essential quality, a way of being requiring conscious cultivation. Read further and discover an approach to living and relating based on transformative communication that steadily brings us towards our being.
BELIEF BARRIERS
Excerpt From Relationships That Work: The Power Of Conscious Living
- By David B. Wolf
Perhaps you are familiar with the story of the four-minute mile. It used to be considered an unreachable goal for a human being. In 1954, Roger Bannister ran a mile in under four minutes. Within a year thirty-seven runners had done the same; within two years 300 runners had accomplished this feat. The barrier was not physical. It was a barrier of belief.
What are some belief barriers that you are holding onto? Identify what you are telling yourself—about yourself, about life, about commitment, wealth and happiness—that prevents you from full achievement. It is a principle of creation that things go from subtle to gross. (For example any invention begins subtly, with thought.) Change begins in the world of ideas. What is happening externally is a reflection of what is happening internally. Shining the light of awareness on what is going on inside uncovers creative potential that has been locked away.
Examples of belief barriers in the area of abundance could include “Rich people are cheaters,” “If I am wealthy I can’t be spiritual” and “If I have a lot of money I will lose my friends.” Now, I don’t want to be a cheater, I like to think of myself as spiritual, and I want friends. So if these thoughts are going on inside me, then despite my efforts to improve my financial situation, I will sabotage myself. Perhaps I am maintaining beliefs such as “I am not trustworthy,” “I am not lovable,” or “I am powerless.” Because subtle leads to gross, I will create situations that confirm my sense of not being trustworthy, lovable or powerful.
Looking squarely and concretely at what we are saying to ourselves permits us to change that inner conversation, and transform our lives. French novelist Marcel Proust wrote, “The real act of discovery consists not in finding new lands but in seeing with new eyes.” If we are rigidly set in our paradigms (sets of interrelated assumptions that form the way we perceive reality and relate to the world), we may not recognize potential breakthroughs available to us.
Much of this book focuses on changing our experience of life through transforming our communication with others. However, transformative communication begins with awareness and metamorphosis of our communication with ourselves. Exploration of belief barriers is observation of self-communication. In following the process described in this book you will learn principles, strategies and tools to transform this inner talk and profoundly alter your experience of self and the world.
There are numerous examples where “new eyes,” or an alternate perspective, has fostered groundbreaking discovery. In the 1930s, Chester Carlton invented a device that produced photographic images using a specially coated metal plate, bright light and a fine black powder. His supervisor at Kodak Company was not interested in this innovative way of creating images, and did not encourage Carlton’s endeavors. Carlton however persisted. The Xerox company, with a fresh perspective, went on to develop this method for electrostatic photography, and in 1948 introduced the world’s first photocopier.
In the late sixties, Swiss watchmakers enjoyed 65 percent of the world market share. Then Swiss researchers invented a fully electronic, battery-operated quartz-movement watch, more accurate than conventional mechanical watches. Watch manufacturers in Switzerland however didn’t believe that this represented the future of timepieces. Japanese manufacturers acquired the technology from the Swiss, and soon the market was flooded with digital watches. Within a decade Swiss market share had plunged to less than 10 percent.
Not seeing beyond our axiomatic assumptions can be costly. A coaching client once described her realization that while she was in a certain relationship, she wasn’t able to see her boyfriend for who he was. Rather, she saw him through her assumptions, her set of expectations of how she believed he should be. “I had this idea, I just assumed it was true, that because of him our relationship wasn’t working. I was constantly looking at him to find the source of our problems. He had to change; he was never really okay in my eyes. My way of thinking was infectious. At one point he even told me that he’s not good enough for me, just like I’d been projecting onto him. I broke up with him. Now I’m seeing with completely different eyes. I realize that I don’t see myself as good enough. How I was treating him was about what I sense is lacking in me.”
The above examples illustrate the value in examining our assumptions about life. In the process described in these pages you are invited to explore assumptions you hold in each area of your life, and how well they work for you. To effect profound personal change through this process involves being open and willing to learn. This book provides a structure consisting of principles, skills and processes to inspire progress in whatever domain you choose. Our sets of assumptions constitute our conditioning for relating to the world, our box for thinking, feeling and acting.
RESISTING THE HUMAN CONTEXT: A LOSING BATTLE
Death, old age, disease. Join Dr. David Wolf as he discussed these and other cheery topics in this edition of the Satvatove Radio Hour. Also learn practical strategies for applying the principles of transformative communication to your parenting.
Relationships That Work Radio Show, October 6th, 2010
SATVATOVE RADIO SHOW- Resisting the Human Context: A Losing Battle, Oct. 6, 2010
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