Posts Tagged ‘relationships’
ATTITUDE OF DISCOVERY
“Approaching relationships with an attitude of discovery and deep listening means that diverse viewpoints enrich relations, rather than divide them.”
David B. Wolf
OPEN-ENDED QUESTIONS
Excerpt From Relationships That Work: The Power Of Conscious Living
- By David B. Wolf
“Computers are useless. They can only give you answers.” - Pablo Picasso
Open-ended questions are another valuable listening tool. Effectively utilized, they encourage the speaker to share more. A closed-ended question is one that invites a one-word answer. Some examples of closed-ended questions:
“How many years have you been at this job?”
“Were you happy in high school?”
“How many siblings do you have?”
An assumption behind closed-ended questions is that the questioner determines what is important. Open-ended questions assume that the person being questioned decides what is most essential. Examples of open-ended invitations include:
“What is your experience in this job?”
“I’d like to hear more about what high school was like for you.”
“Could you speak more about your relationship with your brothers and sisters?”
“What is your confusion about?”
Closed-ended questions have their healthy place in communication, though usually the information sought with a closed-ended question comes automatically—along with much more—in response to an open-ended query. For example, once I had a new client who expressed that she wanted to have a child. Though I considered that knowing whether she was nineteen or forty-two might be helpful information, I didn’t ask, “How old are you?” The conversation included open-ended questions such as, “What’s happening in your relationship with your partner on this issue of children?” and, “What would having a child mean for you?” In the natural course of conversation, the client disclosed that she was twenty-nine years old, without me needing to make it my specific agenda to gather that piece of information.
Appropriately used, questions help people to talk about themselves and concretely define their challenges and situations in terms of specific experiences, behaviors and emotions. Suppose someone says, “My family life is a mess.” With an open-ended question—such as “What is it about your family life that’s not satisfying for you?”—we invite the speaker to describe his situation more tangibly. He might respond, “My job has me traveling so much, and I can barely pay the bills. And my children are constantly fighting. I don’t know how to handle them.” At that point it may be appropriate to follow this with empathy, showing understanding of affect and content. “I hear that so much travel is stressful for you, and you’re experiencing a lot of financial strain. Also, you’re frustrated with your children.” This reflection could serve as a prompt for the speaker to further explore any one of the three areas. Though open-ended questions are a powerful listening tool because they show interest in the client’s world, keep in mind that too many consecutive questions can be a roadblock, causing the person to feel interrogated. An effective question will elicit rich information, and often it is valuable to follow the question with a reflective response to ensure that we’ve grasped the information.
Concreteness is another important principle in effective communication. If we find conversations to be uninteresting, it may be a sign that we lack concreteness, instead talking with excessive generalities. Concreteness comes with clarity, excitement and the potential to augment understanding, growth and connection. For example if I say, “I just don’t feel right,” my statement is vague. Your discovery about me will be enriched if I express with concreteness that, “I was awake all night studying. I don’t feel confident about the material, and I’m exhausted, and this test means everything about my future in the program.” An open-ended question is often an excellent means to encourage concrete expression.
Clarity in expression greatly influences people’s perception of us. Austrian statesman Metternich said, “Anything that is good in itself must be capable of being expressed clearly and precisely. The moment I come across words that are not very clear, I am left with the conclusion that they are either mistaken or deceitful.” As a suggestion for practicing concreteness in your life, describe an experience in writing—first vaguely, and then concretely. (For example, “Today was a downer” is an imprecise expression of experience, whereas “I had a terrible headache during my entire work day” is a concrete statement.)
FROM ANITA
“Thank you and your staff members for leading us through this seminar very successfully. I felt really cared for and it was done professionally but it didn’t interfere with the feeling that you are doing this seminar as a service to all of us. In one degree I was conscious that I have problems in communication. I also could identify some of them but it was very difficult to get rid of them, or better said, impossible. Now I’ve got tools to do that and some I’ve learned to use them but I can see how many tools are still for me to learn and use. This seminar is the best start and foundation for future good communication and relationships even with God. Thank you”
Anita
EMPATHIC SILENCE
Excerpt From Relationships That Work: The Power Of Conscious Living
- By David B. Wolf
In the novel Momo, Michael Ende creates the character of a young girl, who is a wonderful example of an empathic listener, and whose silent presence helps people connect with their inner truth. Momo receives a daily stream of visitors, eager to be close to her.
“Was Momo so incredibly bright that she always gave good advice, or found the right words to console people in need of consolation…? No, she was no more capable of that than anyone else of her age…what Momo was better at than anyone else was listening. She listened in a way that made slow-witted people have flashes of inspiration. It wasn’t that she actually said anything or asked questions that put such ideas into their heads. She simply sat there and listened with the utmost attention…fixing them with her big, dark eyes, and they suddenly became aware of ideas whose existence they had never suspected. Momo could listen in such a way that worried and indecisive people knew their own minds from one moment to the next, or shy people felt suddenly confident and at ease, or downhearted people felt happy and hopeful. And if someone felt that his life had been an utter failure, and that he himself was only one among millions of wholly unimportant people who could be replaced as easily as broken windowpanes, he would go and pour out his heart to Momo. And, even as he spoke, he would come to realize… he was absolutely wrong: that there was only one person like himself in the whole world, and that, consequently, he mattered to the world in his own particular way. Such was Momo’s talent for listening… Those who still think that listening isn’t an art should see if they can do it half as well.”
Silence itself is a potent listening tool, and can convey a grasp of another person’s emotions. While silence should not be used to avoid intimate and meaningful conversation, neither is it helpful to avoid silence due to feelings of discomfort. Often we fill silence with empty talk, fearing the vulnerability of silent connection. An attentive, caring silence is sometimes a more powerful way to heal and connect than the most carefully chosen and well-intentioned words. Actual silence means that the mind is also still. Silence doesn’t mean “empty.” It is a gateway to, and manifestation of, spiritual presence. Vedic scholar Bhaktivedanta Swami wrote, “Silence means that one is always thinking of self-realization.” It is said that God has given us two ears and one mouth, because we are meant to listen at least twice as much as to speak. The Bhagavad Gita describes true silence as a reflection of the divine within us. In empathic silence we are listening to what the other person is saying, not to what we are saying about what the other person is saying. That is, we are attuned to the person’s words and the emotion and intention behind the words, not to our judgments, planned responses or comments towards the other person’s self-expression. We are deeply listening, receiving another person with full presence, intense interest and an open heart. Such listening expands the spirits of both speaker and listener.
FROM JESSICA
“I wanted to share a few things with everyone, as they to have been profound and meaningful in my life. If it speaks to you, I am elated that it reached you, and if it doesn’t, disregard it and move forward from where you sit.
First honorable mention, Satvatove at satvatove.com, is a seminar that is held in Gainesville Florida and many other places. The founder has a book that is called Relationships that Work, the Power of Conscious Living by David B. Wolf, which is a minute insight of the courses, it is the experience that matters.
There are three parts of participation, that is the Foundational course, the Advanced course and the Life Mastery Program.
The Foundational brings many great communication tools and life tools to help a person communicate at higher level. My experience of this first course is that it truly helped me open myself to say and do what I really mean, this means not holding back, but truly I was able to express what is true for me in the moment I feel the need to. It also helped me communicate with people, where I am truly able to enter another persons world and be there to hold space for a person. In conversations, I experience that I often put in advice, questions, directions to help, but it doesn’t allow a person to fully express what needs to be said. This course has expanded my ability to express myself and truly helped me uncover why I am so valuable. I can listen with full intention of hearing in a place that suspends judgements and allows people to be comfortable. I had so many realizations and introspective outcomes, that was rooted from my childhood, and my life, and they were discovered and uncovered, by my willingness to put my self in this course and know that I was going to get the most from it. So it was….
The next course was the Advanced course. This was truly more deep, what I experienced was more than just listening tools and life tools, it was profound introspection of my many painful feelings. What I had felt was over for me in the first course was just the beginning in the Advanced, I had uncovered so many layers of life patterns and habits. There was some deep introspection as to how they have connected to my childhood, and how I truly feel about these deep things in my life. This was just the beginning of my own shifting, as I was put into hyper drive after leaving the course, there was more growth I was uncovering about myself.
The seminars begin when you leave these courses as everything you have learned is taken into your life to flourish and continue your growth. I have and continue to make many realizations in my life that are continually helping me connect with who I truly am. I am whole and complete. This uncovering of myself is continuous, as I shared in the retreat, that my most recent realization is that I avoid pain in my closest relationships, and I now know very differently. I am willing to go there in a painful situation, and be that light, love and nurturing being that I know I am.”
Jessica T.
FROM DEVAN
“My experience of the Advanced Seminar was, to say the least, life changing. I am extremely grateful to David for putting the seminar experience together, because it impacted my life in such a remarkable way. I believe the best way for me to share my experience is to share how my life has changed. One huge thing that I’ve noticed is my relationships with my family, particularly my parents, getting exponentially better. Our conversations and interactions are happier, smoother, and our relationship is growing deeper every day. I no long do things because I think I ‘should’, and now put my effort toward things I actually want, and not what I think I want, or think I should want. I feel much more in integrity with myself, and everyone around me, and it’s a great feeling. I am still very engaged in Satvatove and hope to continue my involvement with Satvatove for years to come.”
Devan Borsboom
THE BILLION $$$ QUESTION
What is actually the secret to us all getting along with each other? (No, that’s not the Billion Dollar question. To find out what it is, listen to the show.) Discover this and much more on this week’s Satvatove Radio Hour, as David coaches a client on life purpose and landing a job
Relationships That Work Radio Show, January 26, 2011
SATVATOVE RADIO SHOW- The Billion $$$ Question
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FROM KAMSI
“The Advanced Seminar helped me learn how to take responsibility for everything I do and how to build relationships that will last forever. It opened me up to myself in such a way that made me realize that I was living/experiencing life only at 50%. Now I am choosing to live my life 100%.”
Kamsi
Advanced seminar – Florida November 2010
EMPATHY & A CULTURE OF TRUST
Excerpt From Relationships That Work: The Power Of Conscious Living
- By David B. Wolf
Consider once more the workplace scenario described above.
“Can you believe how he ran that meeting? He didn’t care what anyone had to say. And the way he treated me? I’m quitting this place!”
Envision your response to the following comment: “You felt really insulted because of how he treated you during the meeting. I hear your anger toward the supervisor. You are so frustrated that you want to leave this place.”
When someone really listens to me, deeply understands me and acknowledges the pain I am experiencing, I begin to feel less upset and more capable of handling my emotions and difficulties. Feeling cared about, I am moved to share more. Caring is reflected in listening, and an empathic response is an effective strategy to show that we have listened. Reflective, empathic responses build trust. If you reflect to me what I have said and the feeling behind the words, it is a sign that you truly care about me and what I have to say. This type of response is called reflective listening, or mirroring. In addition to creating a trusting environment, an empathic response enables me to reflect on myself. Just as I can see myself better by looking in a mirror, I can also see into my thoughts, emotions and experiences better if someone else takes the role of the mirror.
For example, in response to the above reflective comment, I might think to myself, “I am upset with him, though it’s not that I really want to quit the job. There are many things I appreciate about this office—even about this new boss. I think I will talk to him. Maybe he is upset that I haven’t turned in those reports. I may apologize about that, though I will let him know that I didn’t appreciate how he spoke to me during the meeting.”
Note that empathy is not sympathy. Sympathy can imply a sense of pity, such as is expressed in “I feel so bad for you.” This does not convey an understanding of what the other person is saying, whereas a statement such as “I hear that you are feeling humiliated because she made a joke at your expense in a public forum” is an empathetic reflection that shows comprehension of content and affect.
Also, we can recognize that the statement “I understand” in itself is not a reflective statement. It is a declaration of knowledge. A statement such as “I understand that you are feeling unfulfilled because you know you can be more productive” is a reflective statement conveying empathy, because I have expressed not just that I understand, but what I understand to be the emotion and content of what the person is sharing. Of course, this does not mean that it is wrong to respond, “I understand.” Accompanied with appropriate non-verbal behavior and caring intention, such a response can communicate empathy.
It is said that people don’t care what we know until they know that we care. Demonstration of empathy is a wonderful way to show that we care. Empathic listening in itself creates a quality of human connection that is satisfying for the soul. And it produces an environment conducive for sharing whatever valuable knowledge we may have. In the field of social work there is a saying: “Start where the client is at.” By meeting people where they are, we build trust, stimulate self-exploration, and clarify our perceptions.
FROM JANE
“I really appreciated the very practical skills that were taught about empathic listening, communication skills and building effective relationships. Normally I don’t like emotional processing. However I was able to get in touch with deep emotions during the broken promises exercise. This was quite a turning point for me. I made important realisations about how I don’t participate fully in life and how I give up very easily when I think something is hopeless. I also got in touch with my huge fear of so many things… It is the first time I have come across such a universal programme that works for both people on a spiritual quest and also corporate managers.”
Jane
