Posts Tagged ‘relationships’
FROM JANE
“I really appreciated the very practical skills that were taught about empathic listening, communication skills and building effective relationships. Normally I don’t like emotional processing. However I was able to get in touch with deep emotions during the broken promises exercise. This was quite a turning point for me. I made important realisations about how I don’t participate fully in life and how I give up very easily when I think something is hopeless. I also got in touch with my huge fear of so many things… It is the first time I have come across such a universal programme that works for both people on a spiritual quest and also corporate managers.”
Jane
BE-DO-HAVE REVISTED
Excerpt From Relationships That Work: The Power Of Conscious Living
- By David B. Wolf
In setting and accomplishing life goals from a paradigm of conscious living, the equation begins with being. Often we specify the have part of the equation, then do the work of achieving the goal, but neglect to be. For example, suppose I am thinking, “If I have the right companion then I will live the life I desire and I will be loved, appreciated and affectionate.” In this mode focused on having, the process moves to doing things that we believe make sense to achieve the goal. This could mean going to bars, parties or perhaps to work or church—all with the intention of acquiring what we don’t have. Be-Do-Have on the other hand begins with experiencing ourselves as loved, contented and fulfilled. With this consciousness we attract into our lives relationships that enhance our being. Experiencing love, power, beauty, clarity, vitality, radiance and confidence is not dependent on having any particular relationship or external result, although we do invite and attract relationships and successes that enrich the full experience of our being.
Be-Do-Have consciousness is joyful, contented and powerful from the start. Living these qualities, I naturally do the things that joyful, contented and powerful people do—with the result that I have things that joyful, contented and powerful people have. Being compassionate, loving and confident, I naturally act in ways that compassionate, loving and confident people act—and thus I have what compassionate, loving and confident people have. The salient point about Be-Do-Have is not that it culminates in have, but that it originates in be.
Be-Do-Have is always in effect, whether we are conscious of it or not. If I am being depressed, fearful and irritable, I will do what depressed, fearful and irritable people do, and have the sort of relationships and life results that depressed, fearful and irritable people have. If I am being trustworthy, powerful and spirited, I will do things that trustworthy, powerful and spirited people do, and have the corresponding results, such as extraordinary success and rewarding relationships.
While doing and having flow from our being, they also enrich our being. Thus, being powerful, trusting and determined, I act with power, trust and determination. This activity in turn enhances my experience of being. It is not that my being was incomplete before the activity; this a dynamic process where being energizes doing, and doing nourishes being. Activity is generated from inspired being, not from a place of need.
In the Do-Be paradigm, I am in a mindset that believes “In order to experience the qualities of my being, I need to do such and such.” That is different than Be-Do, where I am living from the consciousness of “I am complete and whole; I am inspired to do these activities, which naturally intensify and augment my experience of being.”
Because spirit is transcendent of matter, and because the self is more powerful than material coverings, it is possible to choose the qualities of our being at any given moment—whatever the intricacies of those coverings. By doing some clearing work, by pulling weeds and watering flowers in the garden, we can prepare the field and thus make it easier to choose being. (Without minimizing the value of this work, the choice to be is not dependent on the clearing and watering work we have done beforehand.)
For example, before conducting a seminar, part of my preparation is to do mantra meditation for about ninety minutes each morning. This helps me to feel strong, clear and connected. Sometimes that doesn’t happen, for whatever reason. I know that chanting before the start of the seminar day is very helpful for me to experience myself as focused, spontaneous, confident and connected; but if it’s 9 a.m. and the seminar is about to begin, and I haven’t chanted yet, I am not willing to use that as an excuse not to be fully clear, present and connected. Whatever my preparation work has or hasn’t been, I can choose to be weak or powerful, foggy or clear, defensive or open.
FROM FAYENEN
“Satvatove 3 gave me the opportunity to experience myself living consciously moment-to-moment. Within it I got the chance to peel off what seemed like a thick, impermeable and suffocating blanket that covered my inner spark of life. I saw myself with fresh new eyes and I began the journey of discovering what it means to be me as a distinctly unique person. I experienced a sense of community that honoured the individuality of each person. I realised how nourishing and soul-enriching relationships could be when each person is real, genuine, and courageously themselves. Somewhere deep inside me the lights have come on and I feel purposeful and clear. I extend my deepest gratitude and appreciation to David, Marie and my fellow Satvatove 3 pioneers for this life-changing experience. Thank you.”
Fayenen
Satvatove 3 – September 2010
INTEGRITY AND BOUNDARIES
Excerpt From Relationships That Work: The Power Of Conscious Living
- By David B. Wolf
To assert ourselves means to know ourselves. If I want to assert myself I need to know what I believe, what I feel, what I think and what is truly important for me. Thus, assertiveness is indispensable for a life of spiritual integrity. In examining my core principles, beliefs and aspirations, it is important to distinguish between what I think “should” be my principles, feelings and values, and what my actions actually reveal them to be. Such awareness is an important part of the process of spiritual development and genuine assertive expression.
Even if Robert’s reaction to his wife’s assertive expression is some form of fight or flight, Lisa’s assertiveness has assured that she is in her integrity. She has expressed her truth with courage and sensitivity. Our responsibility is not to change others—though with our assertive expression they may change. Our responsibility is to assert our own truth in a manner that respects the rights of others.
Additionally, with assertiveness Lisa establishes boundaries regarding how she is and is not willing to be treated. It is said that we teach people how to treat us, and with assertive expression we consciously give lessons on what we are and what we are not ready to tolerate. Personal power, including the ability to create satisfying boundaries, comes from effective communication.
Non-judgmental understanding is a valuable commodity. As you become a better listener, you may find that more and more people seek you out. This itself can present a challenge, one in which it is important to know how to establish personal boundaries. Being assertive means that we are able to maintain healthy boundaries that prevent us from becoming jaded, drained and of little use to anyone, without building walls that isolate us from others.
Knowing how to say no is an essential tool in creating boundaries. Influenced by a desire to please people and to be liked, we may lack the assertiveness to say no when we really want to. Let us keep in mind that if we say yes to something, we are implicitly also saying no to other things. For example, if I say yes to working overtime, I may be saying no to family or recreation time. Perhaps I am saying yes to fear of losing my job.
Proficiency in assertive expression keeps us energized and continually inspired to relate, give and contribute. Research among helping professionals has led to the development of a new field of study—compassion fatigue. This phrase refers to feelings of depletion from constantly absorbing the pain of others. Immediately following a traumatic event, such as a natural disaster or a violent attack, a team of helpers, including doctors, counselors, nurses and social workers, is sent to the scene. Nowadays, as a matter of course, a few days later a second team of mental health professionals is dispatched to address the compassion fatigue of the first team. It is understood that after being present for and intensely absorbing such intense grief for several days, many persons will naturally need intervention. This recognizes the importance of having sound boundaries in place when it comes to emotionally charged exchanges, and indicates the value of assertive communication. Preserving boundaries is integral to steadily participating in life and relationships with joy, appreciation and compassion.
SERVICE THROUGH EMPATHIC LISTENING
Excerpt From Relationships That Work: The Power Of Conscious Living
- By David B. Wolf
Another character from a novel, Josephus in Herman Hesse’s The Father Confessor, was renowned as a great healer. In Josephus “a gift slumbered, and with the passing years…it slowly came to flower. It was the gift of listening. Whenever a brother from one of the hermitages, or a child of the world harried and troubled of soul, came to Josephus and told him of his deeds, sufferings, temptations, and missteps…or spoke of his loss, pain or sorrow, Josephus knew how to listen to him, to open his ears and heart, to gather the man’s sufferings and anxieties into himself and hold them, so that the penitent was sent away emptied and calmed…
“He regarded every man the same way, whether he accused God or himself, whether he magnified or minimized his sins and sufferings, whether he confessed a killing or merely an act of lewdness, whether he lamented an unfaithful sweetheart or the loss of his soul’s salvation. It did not alarm Josephus when someone told of converse with demons…He did not lose patience when someone talked at great length while obviously concealing the main issue…All the complaints, confessions, charges, and qualms that were brought to him seemed to pour into his ears like water into the desert sands. He seemed to pass no judgment upon them and to feel neither pity nor contempt for the person confessing. Nevertheless, or perhaps for that very reason, whatever was confessed to him seemed not to be spoken into the void, but to be transformed, alleviated, and redeemed in the telling and being heard. Only rarely did he reply with a warning or admonition, even more rarely did he give advice, let alone any order. Such did not seem to be his function, and his callers apparently sensed that it was not. His function was to arouse confidence and be receptive, to listen patiently and lovingly, helping the imperfectly formed confession to take shape, inviting all that was dammed up or encrusted within each soul to flow and pour out…”
Josephus experienced severe struggles, and discovered his own healing in entering the world of others, serving them as an instrument in their healing. To serve another person—be it a friend caring for friend or a businessperson serving a customer—means understanding the needs, desires, thoughts and emotions of that person. This is empathy, a way of being that creates a culture of trust, supports self-realization and generates a climate of healing and healthy resolution. This is a key quality in life-enriching relationships that are based on honor and respect for each individual.
The essence of these techniques and principles—such as empathy, effective attending behavior and appropriate silence—is to view the world from the other person’s perspective. Seeing the worldview of someone does not mean being in agreement with that view. We can be secure in our viewpoint while understanding another perspective. In fact, an internal sense of security naturally translates to an openness to other frames of reference.
PROMISES, PROMISES. . .
Relationships That Work Radio Show September 8st, 2010
SATVATOVE RADIO SHOW- Promises, Promises. . .
In the beginning was the word. What are you creating with your word? Get present to the vital significance of our relationship with our word in determining our experience of life and relationships. Hear Dr. David Wolf discuss how honoring and violating agreements, with others and ourselves, mightily influences trust, self-esteem and confidence. Interactions with show participants include conversations about marriage and divorce, and the consciousness-raising quality of the goals we set.
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ALWAYS IN RELATIONSHIP
”I’ve met people who tell me that they’re taking a break from all relationships or will never be in another one because they find them too painful. The truth is that we’re always in a relationship with someone or something. Even if we live on a mountaintop and never see another human, we must still interact with that mountain and ourselves. In those interactions, we’ll be shown the true reflection of our core beliefs. The reason? Our mirrors in the world never stop – they’re always working. There’s no escape! And the mirrors never lie.”
Gregg Braden, The Divine Matrix
RESPONDING TO COMPLEXITY WITH SIMPLICITY
SATVATOVE RADIO SHOW- RESPONDING TO COMPLEXITY WITH SIMPLICITY
Hear Dr. David Wolf engage in live transformational coaching with a caller. Learn about the interplay and connection between conscious management of the influence of association, and standing 100% responsible for your experience of life and relationships. Listen to this Satvatove Radio Hour and get grounded insight into effectively handling your relationship challenges, through transforming conflict into closeness, while simultaneously discovering a spiritually-based philosophical foundation for sublime joy in personal relations.
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ATTITUDE OF DISCOVERY
“Approaching relationships with an attitude of discovery and deep listening, means that diverse viewpoints enrich relations, rather than divide them.”
David B Wolf – Relationships That Work
EXPRESSING LOVE AND CARE
“To know how to effectively listen and convey understanding is a key element in expressing love and care.”
David B Wolf – Relationships That Work
