Posts Tagged ‘satisfying relationships’
THE SPIRIT OF DISCOVERY
Relationships That Work Radio Show September 1st, 2010
Learn to apply this vital principle for a fulfilling life and satisfying relationships. The nature of spirit is to expand, to grow, and a discovery consciousness facilitates this culture of ongoing personal and relational development. Hear live relationship coaching with a client from Europe in this vibrant and special Satvatove Radio Hour hosted by Dr. David Wolf.
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FAITH AND BEING
by David B. Wolf
“What’s wrong with striving for material comforts and affluence, like a big house, a boat, or the car of my dreams?” This question was posed towards the close of a personal transformation seminar.
“Why would you endeavor for such things?” I responded. The ensuing conversation revealed that amenities such as those mentioned, as well as other tangible attainments such as a position in an organization, fashionable clothes, and a healthy bank account, were commonly sought to achieve experiences such as security, power, self-confidence and a sense of personal value.
A Weak Position
I commented that this sounds like a weak position. The essential message is “I am not intrinsically a secure, confident, valuable person. To experience strength, worthiness and specialness I need various external trimmings.” This consciousness indicates lack of essential faith in oneself.
Genuine faith in self is apparent in a lifeview that starts with being rather than having. This approach to existence knows that to experience fulfillment, contentment, joy and vitality, I don’t need to do or have anything. I am inherently fulfilled, content, joyful and vital.
Chasing Security And Happiness
It’s not that there isn’t activity, accomplishment and acquisition in the be-do-have paradigm. In fact, when living from being, my doing and having are imbued with potency, because they flow organically from my being. They are not separate endeavors, contrivances to obtain from the outside what already exists inside. Naturally if I am being the vibrant, trusting and confident person that I am, I will do what vibrant, trusting and confident people do, and have what they have, such as a life of adventure, satisfying relationships, and abundance. In be-do-have we live the truth that wealth is not about having more; it is about needing less. We choose security and happiness; we don’t chase security and happiness.
Reflection on our approach to life- for example have-do-be, or be-do-have- points to where our faith lies- in our spiritual essence, or in external objects and symbols. From a place of being we might acquire such objects or symbols, from choice and inspiration, not from need and fear.
Faith Is Inescapable
Our nature is to have faith, and how we live reflects where we place our faith. When we turn the ignition we display faith that there is not a bomb wired to the car. Each element of our lifestyle- e.g., diet, recreation, financial management, spiritual practice or lack of it- shows our faith, what we believe will provide us a life of fulfillment and happiness.
Our choice is where to place our faith, and we can consider this question with respect to inner being or external having. In the Bhagavad-gita Krsna exhorts Arjuna to “Be transcendental…be without anxiety…and be established in the self,” indicating that for a contented and fulfilled life, living from our transcendent spiritual core is the most reasonable choice. Epictetus said “The essence of philosophy is that a man should so live that his happiness shall depend as little as possible on external things.” Such teachings move us to live from being, trusting that the externals will come my way; and even if that doesn’t happen according to my plan, I’ll be okay, and more than okay, because my security and value is a function only of what can never be destroyed. That is a worthy place for faith.
CLEAR INTENTION
Excerpt From A Coaching Letter Written By David B Wolf
“Clear intention” intrinsically means that we don’t know how the result will manifest. We may have a plan A, and a plan B. Even if all our plans fall through and don’t work, still we are clear that the result will occur. You say it very nicely- “Between effort and result there is a space.” There is no inherent connection. It is a mystic process, in the sense that the Supreme Mystic is the personal mechanism to fulfill clear intention. As described in Bhagavad-gita, causes for results include the senses, the endeavor, the doer, the place, and ultimately the Supersoul. Clear intention is a way of being that honors that divine space between action and result.
Clear intention, placing consciousness in results, and commitment, are ways of being. My understanding is that they are ways of being consistent with our spiritual nature. If we are committed to a result, and the outcome doesn’t manifest as we had hoped, this is an opportunity to look at ourselves, to examine what was in the way of my intention manifesting the results I desired, what is it about my consciousness such that the result is what it is, instead of something different and more satisfying. I know that you are taking this introspective track in your life, as evidenced in your letter, “obviously I need to look at myself.” So, whatever the results of our endeavors and intentions, it is healthy to look at ourselves to learn, improve and refine our character and efforts.
That said, even if we are completely situated in spiritual principles, fully fixed in clear intention, that doesn’t guarantee a result. I offer that that does maximize the possibility that the intended outcome will occur. Empathy is a way of being. Living in empathy maximizes opportunities for sweet, connected and satisfying relationships. Does it guarantee it? No. Assertiveness is a way of being, an integral element of our integrity. It doesn’t guarantee successful external results, though being assertive will very frequently be more effective than aggressiveness or excessive passivity. Stretch, growth, win/win, “on contract”, accountability, etc. – these are ways of being that facilitate a life of fulfillment, excellence and extraordinary results.
These ways of being are part of our integrity. Even in those circumstances when such ways of being don’t produce the external results we desire, internally we are in integrity, and that in itself is success, perhaps the greatest success.
Foundational, Gainesville – Oct 22-24, 2010
Transformative Communication
& Self–Empowerment Experience
October 22 – 24, 2010
Developed By: David Wolf, Ph.D. and Marie Glasheen
Facilitated By David Wolf, Ph. D.,
Author of Relationships That Work:
The Power Of Conscious Living
Florida Special – 50% Off
You’ll discover strategies for vitalizing yourself to create a fulfilling life with extraordinary results.
This is a 3-day adventure in daring communication and bold exploration to realize your strength, abilities, and potential for growth.
Walk Away With Skills And Insights You Can Apply Immediately.
Learn Techniques That Will Last A Lifetime.
Take advantage of this unique opportunity. In this course you will acquire listening tools as a basis for modules including interpersonal skills, conflict resolution, teamwork, and assertiveness.
Through participatory activities you will examine underlying assumptions by which you live your life. This is a concentrated, powerful communication training, culminating in sharpened self-awareness and satisfying relationships.
Read More About The Foundational Course.
To Read Testimonials About The Course Click Here.
Download Brochure
Course Information
Date: October 22 – 24, 2010
Where: Gainesville, Florida
Course hours: 9 am to 9 pm (ending time approximate)
1.5-hour lunch break each day
Tuition includes: 32-hour seminar, 1-hour personal coaching interview, and course workbook.
Tuition: $ 950.00
Scholarships, Group and Early Registration Discounts and Payment plans are available.
100% SATISFACTION GUARANTEED!
If you are not satisfied you can request in writing a refund of the tuition within 24 hours of the end of the seminar.
Florida Special – 50% Off
Feedback And Attitude Of Gratitude- How to Receive Feedback Gracefully
Personal and interpersonal development is founded on effective communication, and much of communication assumes the form of what we sometimes call “feedback”. In listening with empathy we implicitly send feedback that says “You matter. I am interested in you.” Our non-verbal communication is feedback for people around us. When we share an immediacy statement, such as “I feel very respected by the way you”ve listened to me just now,” or “I”m feeling uneasy and tense with you, like maybe I said something that offended you,” we convey valuable feedback while exploring our relationship with another person. Being assertive and utilizing the WIN (What happened; Inside feelings and thoughts; Needs and wants) strategy of communication sends feedback about acceptable boundaries. Sometimes we share feedback about what we experience may be hindering persons in their growth.
As we may experience in sharing feedback, creating fulfilling, satisfying relationships requires permitting the expression of lots of dissatisfaction. Consider the example of a water faucet that has not been used for years. When we first open the faucet, the stuff that comes out may be dirty and contaminated. After a while, though, clean, clear, tasty water flows. If we continued to block the muddy fluid, we would also block the desirable liquid. Similarly, preventing the expression of emotions that may be unpleasant, also impedes our experience of joy, power, connection and other qualities of the spiritual self.
Sometimes we may resist sharing our honest impressions due to concern or fear that persons will think we are criticizing them, and will be angry or reject us. In some circles it is believed that spiritualists do not criticize. When we picture a saintly person we certainly do not imagine a bitter faultfinder, gossiping and constantly maligning others. At the same time a policy claiming that good, humble, spiritually-minded people never criticize can be used to stifle honest, authentic expression, and to engender a culture of fear and repression in the name of spirituality.
The Nectar of Instruction, a book from 16th Century India, provides an interesting perspective on this subject. It explains that an advanced spiritualist is “completely devoid of the propensity to criticize others.” In material consciousness we have a tendency to want to criticize others, to minimize them so that we feel better about ourselves. This is the principle of envy. A true spiritualist has no such inclination. At the same time, a self-realized person is awake, alert, conscious. He does not deny his perceptions. He is keen to differentiate between reality and illusion, internally, interpersonally, and societally. If he chooses to share his perceptions, he does so assertively, with compassion, for the purpose of illumination and personal growth.
Of course, feedback is not necessarily criticism, though it could be received in that way. Suppose we hear comments from another person about ourself. Even if these comments seem completely inaccurate to us, we can appreciate the value in knowing that someone, perhaps representing many people, perceives us that way. With such information we can adjust our presentation, which is different than compromising our genuineness, so that the perception people have of us is consistent with what is inside. If the feedback we hear does strike a chord, perhaps causing us to react, then that may be an indication of an area for our personal growth. Even if the delivery of the feedback was not as caring and compassionate as we might have preferred, and even if we suspect that the comments significantly reflect on the other person”s issues, still we can use the observations about us for self-realization.
For example, suppose I receive feedback that I am cold, aloof, and distant. Maybe I experience myself as warm, close, and connected. Still, it is very helpful to discover what I am acting in such a way that I am perceived as cold, distant, and aloof. With this information I get the opportunity to adjust my presentation so that people experience me in a way that is authentic and consistent with who I am. Or, perhaps such feedback resonates with me, and touches on an area where I know that I want to focus for self-improvement. This might involve identifying relationships in my life where I know I am being remote and withdrawn, recognizing that I want to change this, and committing to do so.
Accepting constructive feedback with an appreciative spirit, we are grateful that this person cared enough about us to be honest. Similarly, by our willingness to share honestly with people in our life, we give them the opportunity to respond honestly to us, to who we actually are. Otherwise, relationships degenerate to a pretentious exchange designed to maintain shallow, false facades, at the expense of vitality and the spiritual fulfillment that results from genuine reciprocation.
There is also directly appreciative feedback, where we share with each other about qualities and behaviors that inspire and move us. In sharing appreciative comments it is especially enriching to be concrete, to specifically state what it is about the other person that we value and admire. For example, “You gave a good class” is not particularly concrete. In fact, it could be considered to be a judgment. Although it may be regarded as a positive judgment, it still may be a barrier to communication, just as negative judgments often are. This sort of compliment does not provide the receiver with as full an experience and understanding of thankfulness as a statement such as “When you spoke about and demonstrated empathy, and about people not caring what we know till they know that we care, and about the power of completely entering the world of another person, I sensed possibilities open up for me, and felt so hopeful and grateful to be alive. I teach high school students, and this workshop has provided me so many exciting tools and principles to enhance my service to my students.” With such a statement the receiver clearly knows what he did that was appreciated, and how the person felt as a result.
Expressing appreciation in sattva guna means that our intention is to celebrate the life-enriching qualities of others, with no motive to manipulate or coerce, or fulfill some personal agenda. Genuine thankfulness is never superficial flattery, as it emanates from a truly compassionate heart. Such sattvic gratitude is a cornerstone of spiritual life. Research has demonstrated that an attitude of gratitude is a key element of a fulfilled life. Philosopher Sam Keen wrote, “The more you become a connoisseur of gratitude, the less you are the victim of resentment, depression, and despair… The sense of gratitude produces true spiritual alchemy, makes us magnanimous- large souled.” Practicing gratitude, intentionally being thankful, transforms how we view and experience the world. It infuses us with power to convert our most challenging times into sources of meaning and inspiration. Consciously being grateful and expressing thankfulness connects us moment-to-moment with the spiritual self”s sense of vitality and discovery. In giving thanks we responsibly participate in the celebration and experience of life.
Receiving appreciation is also a wonderful opportunity to give to people. It is a chance to recognize that we contribute to joy and well-being, that we can be an instrument for the supreme spirit to nurture the lives of others. To receive gratitude in a sattvic manner entails that we avoid snares such as feeling superior and arrogant, or denying that we are deserving, thereby depriving others of the fulfillment of having their appreciation gracefully received.
Here are some exercises for cultivating gratitude.
Exercise 1: Each day for the next month, list three blessings in your life.
Exercise 2: Using principles of responsible and concrete communication, express appreciation to three persons for whom you are grateful, and from whom you have been withholding your feelings of thankfulness.
