Posts Tagged ‘spiritual identity’
EMPATHY DIFFUSES HOSTILITY
Excerpt From Relationships That Work: The Power Of Conscious Living
- By David B. Wolf
In my communication seminars I am often asked about diffusing hostility. An empathic response is the most powerful means for diffusing aggressiveness. In the mid-nineties I worked as a children and family counselor for the State of Florida Department of Foster Care. On one occasion an enraged father stormed into my office. “How could you tell the judge to keep my kid in foster care!?” Many responses were available to me. I could have yelled back, perhaps referring to his continued substance abuse or his irresponsibility in fulfilling his performance agreement. This would have likely escalated his fury. Or I could have calmly explained to him what he could do to get his child returned, which was the outcome that both of us desired. I began with empathy, matching his intensity. “I know you are furious with me. You’re upset that I recommended to the judge to keep your child in foster care for another three months.” He continued his tirade, and I continued my attempts at showing my understanding of what he expressed. I would not say that at any point in this conversation did this person develop a liking for me. However, after a few minutes he did sense that I was not his enemy, and that I cared about him and his son. His anger diffused through empathic listening and we were able to have a civilized and productive dialogue, during which I did share with him information about what he could do to accelerate the process of his child’s return. Once he knew that I cared, he began to care what I knew.
My wife and I once attended a lecture on Vedic spirituality, the theme of which was transferring consciousness from ahankara to atman. Ahankara refers to our false, materially based identifications, such as “I am white,” “I am fifty-two years old,” or “I am Peruvian.” Atman refers to identification with our true spiritual identity. On the ride home my wife shared an exchange she had had that day with a doctor, in her capacity as a nurse who inserts intravenous lines. The doctor had ordered a line inserted in a patient although Miriam, noticing various signs and symptoms indicating that it would not be medically advisable to do so, decided not to.
Doctor: I ordered the line put in!
Miriam: I see you’re very upset because I didn’t put in the line.
Doctor: Who the hell do you think you are!? I gave my orders and it’s not done!
Miriam: I know you’re really angry with me because I didn’t follow your orders about this.
Doctor: Yeah, that’s right. I’ve got so much to do and I wrote the instructions. I made it clear!
Miriam: I know you’re very pressured, under so much strain, and it’s so annoying for you that I didn’t put in the line. It’s extra anxiety—just what you didn’t need today.
Doctor: That’s right. How come you didn’t put in the line?
Miriam explained her reasons and they engaged in calm, rational dialogue about the best course of action for the patient. After describing this interaction to me, Miriam said of the doctor, “He went from ahankara to atman.”
A particularly challenging occasion for reflective listening arises when acrimony is directed toward us by persons with whom we are in a close relationship. A student once wrote the following to me: “One area that I find is very relevant for workshop participants …is the difficulty of doing empathic listening when a spouse or person very close to us is saying something that we totally disagree with. I once made great sacrifices for my wife and then she told me she didn’t like what I did and her reasons were totally uninformed. At that point I couldn’t imagine doing empathic listening. I was so upset I just screamed. It’s one of the most needed and most challenging times to do empathic listening.”
I replied: “I hear your challenge and frustration. It is relatively easy to empathize and reflect when the hostility, anger and resentment are directed toward some third party. When it’s directed toward us it is especially challenging to be sattvic, non-reactive, empathic and compassionate. It is particularly difficult in those instances, and also especially important. When we are able to notice our anger, pain or fear without giving our power to them, and to instead sincerely endeavor to understand the other person, before expressing what we want to say, we create the climate in these close and intimate relationships that we truly desire.”
At the start of the second day of a five-day seminar, a woman who was attending shared her experience from the previous night, after the first day of the seminar when we had covered empathic listening. “My son was in the bath and wanted to play with a particular bottle of liquid soap. I knew this soap would hurt his eyes and wouldn’t allow it. In the past this sort of scene would lead to an escalation of anger, affecting us, and the household, for at least a full day if not longer. ‘No, you can’t have it!’ ‘I want it!’ ‘I said no! Put it down!’ Instead I thought I’ll use the skills we learned that day in the workshop. ‘You’re really angry at mommy for not letting you play with that soap!’ ‘Yes, I want it!’ ‘I know you really wish you could have that bottle, and you’re mad at me because I won’t let you.’ ‘That’s right. I am.’ I couldn’t believe it. After about a minute the episode was over. His anger was gone, and we enjoyed each other’s company.”
Studies in labor-management discussions demonstrate that it takes half the time to achieve conflict resolution when all parties agree to accurately repeat what the previous speaker has said before responding. To do this requires sattvic consciousness, where we are attentive and sufficiently patient to mirror the other person’s statement, before saying our piece. Especially when we are in conflict with the other party, it requires substantial non-attachment to utilize reflective empathy and avoid roadblocks. Frequently in workshops I hear, “But David, using these techniques takes much longer.” My response is, “Yes, maybe it does. In the short run.” Sattvic communication may take longer up front. However, in the long run it avoids the anxieties and problems created by roadblock-filled tamasic and rajasic communication. For instance, we might spend more time in mirroring and empathic listening so that we understand an employee; his satisfaction though results in a more pleasant work environment where people want to stay. This in turn is likely to lead to higher efficiency and an increase in productivity.
THE SCIENCE OF SELF-REALIZATION
Hear Dr. David Wolf discuss with several callers about what actually works for achieving spiritual growth and self-realization. Understand the metaphors of the garden of the heart, and the “poison girl”, and integrate principles and practices for conscious living and steadily living from your spiritual identity. Gain understanding of the principle of time and circumstance, to create a grounded and practical approach to your spiritual life.
Relationships That Work Radio Show September 29th, 2010
THE SCIENCE OF SELF-REALIZATION-Radio Show Sept. 29
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WHO AM I?
Excerpt From Relationships That Work: The Power Of Conscious Living
- By David B. Wolf
Expressions such as awakening, enlightenment, self-improvement and personal development have become household words. But what do they really mean? What is it that awakens or enlightens? What is the self that improves? Who is the one that develops?
Through science we know that the body continuously changes and transforms itself. Not one cell in your body now was part of your five-year-old body. Yet when you look at a childhood photo you think, “That is me when I was five,” although the body is completely different. So how do we recognize ourselves? Clearly there is something that remains the same, apart from bodily and even mental changes. This something indicates an identity separate from the body and mind, an unchanging spiritual essence. It is to this spiritual essence that the world’s wisdom traditions point.
The focal point for spiritual principles of personal growth is our true identity beyond the physical body and subtle mind. To be satisfying and complete, our self-help endeavors must recognize this non-physical self. It is common to lose connection with this essential self, even without awareness that we have done so. Soren Kierkegaard once stated, “The greatest danger, that of losing one’s own self, may pass off quietly as if it were nothing; every other loss, that of an arm, a leg, five dollars, a wife, is sure to be noticed.”
Athato brahma jijnasa. This well-known Sanskrit aphorism helps me to remember my spiritual identity and purpose in life. The meaning of the adage is “Now is the time to inquire into the nature of Ultimate reality.” It signifies that now that we possess a human form of life, we have a responsibility to deliberate about spiritual matters. There is some obvious importance in fulfilling the needs of the body, such as eating, sleeping and shelter; However, if our inquiries and endeavors do not extend beyond that, then we are not realizing the capacity of our spirit. If I buy an expensive computer and use it as a doorstop, it will not fulfill its actual potential. Just as the computer can accomplish much more than stopping a door, so we too can use our bodies, mind and intelligence for elevating our consciousness for the purpose of spiritual progress.
Since the word “spiritual” is used in a variety of ways, it is important to define my understanding of the term. By spiritual I mean beyond, or not limited by, materially based identifications—such as “I am thin,” “I am the mother of this child,” “I look great in a suit,” “I am a member of this religion” or “I am a very disciplined person.” These appellations apply to the covering of the spirit self, but not to the actual self.
I drive a Toyota. Naturally I care for the car, keeping it tuned up and filled with the right fluids. But if I think that my own thirst is quenched when I fill the car with gasoline, I am under an illusion and will not be satisfied. I do not believe that I am Japanese just because the car was made in Japan, any more than I would believe myself to be German if I were driving a Mercedes Benz. Clearly this is a foolish idea. Yet if we identify with designations that apply to the temporary body (the vehicle) rather than the spiritual self, we are making the same mistake. Just as the owner of the car changes to another car when the old one is finished, our spirit changes to another body at the time of death. Recognizing and attending to material designations or roles may serve the spiritual journey, just as an automobile can facilitate travel to the destination. But misidentification of the self with these designations is a diversion from our pursuit of spiritual understanding. It often leads to many unhealthy isms, such as nationalism, sexism and racism.
Bodies change, spiritual identity remains. Thoughts also change. Some bring a smile to our face, others are embarrassing. Some are practical, some are outlandish. But we are not our thoughts. So what is the nature of this thing that thinks, that uses fingers to write with a keyboard, that peers through eyes that read, “So what is the nature of this thing that thinks…”?
SATTVA AS A BASIS FOR SATISFACTION
Excerpt From Relationships That Work: The Power Of Conscious Living
- By David B. Wolf
As spiritual beings, a balanced and complete life includes cultivation of spirituality. Research has shown that spiritual practice correlates positively with better physical and mental health. Building spiritual habits entails scheduling time for spiritual practice, whether in the form of prayer, meditation, reading, attendance at congregational gatherings, silence or time with nature. If spiritual life is relegated to something we do if there is time after responding to our emails or completing household chores, it won’t happen.
A spiritual program that has worked for me for the past twenty-five years begins with rising early, by 4 or 5 a.m. This practice is itself invigorating. When I don’t do it, I definitely feel the difference. Another staple of my spiritual diet is about ninety minutes of early morning meditation. I have found that mantra meditation is most effective for me. The senses are centered around the mind, and mantra chanting engages several senses and abilities—including hearing, speech and touch, if the mantra is counted on beads such as a rosary. This makes it easier for our minds to focus on the vibration of the mantra. A mantra is a sound vibration that frees the mind (“mind” is derived from the first syllable of “mantra”) from material entanglement, from the modes of rajas and tamas, and elevates our existence to the spiritual platform. We have explored how we create our life with our words, and how our mode of speech determines the atmosphere of our internal and relationship world. Attentive mantra chanting is another means to spiritualize our life through sound vibration.
Jill Bormann has conducted research on mantra meditation with various populations including military veterans. She describes meditative time with a mantra as a “Jacuzzi for the mind. It’s something you can use to focus and calm yourself at a moment’s notice, and it doesn’t require money, it’s non-toxic, it’s inexpensive—a person just needs to practice it and make it a part of their lives.” Jill and other researchers have found that regular recitation of selected mantras significantly helps manage psychological distress and increase life satisfaction. The veterans with whom she worked chose from a variety of mantras from diverse traditions, such as Ave Maria and Ohm Shanti Rama.
My personal favorite mantra for meditation is one of India’s most beloved, The Maha Mantra, which goes Hare Krishna, Hare Krishna, Krishna Krishna, Hare Hare / Hare Rama, Hare Rama, Rama Rama, Hare Hare. Quantitative group and single-system research conducted by Dr. Neil Abell and myself has shown that chanting this mantra correlates with reduced stress and depression as well as with increased sattvic qualities such as peacefulness, fulfillment, emotional balance, mental clarity and sense of life purpose. Recitation of this mantra has been shown to be compatible for realization of our spiritual identity, supporting us in connecting with the innermost stratum of the living soul.
People are sometimes surprised that I spend more than two hours per day in direct spiritual practice, thinking that this would not leave sufficient time for other endeavors and projects. My experience, for over a quarter century, is that if I don’t devote at least two hours a day to activities such as chanting and reading spiritual literature, that connect me directly to spirit and to the source of my existence, then I actually have less time and energy to do things. My spiritual practice vitalizes and strengthens me, fills me with a sense of urgency about life, of not wanting to waste a moment. Also, spiritual practice, or sadhana, helps me to view and experience all my efforts in relation to God and spiritual development.
Each type of food has its characteristic mode. With reference to diet, sattva guna is complemented by foods that require a minimal amount of violence to obtain. Thus a vegetarian diet tends to increase our sattvic consciousness. There is a Buddhist aphorism— ahimsa paramo dharma—non-violence is the highest virtue. After witnessing the slaughter of an animal, Leo Tolstoy wrote, “This is dreadful!…that a man suppresses in himself, unnecessarily, the highest spiritual capacity—that of sympathy towards living creatures like himself…” To help us cultivate empathy and actualize refined spiritual consciousness, awareness of what we consume is vital.
We are influenced by the people we associate with, perhaps more than we realize. Developing sattvic habits and refining our character is facilitated by developing close relations with others who are similarly committed to the cultivation of self-realization. If we want to grow, to play a big game with our lives, it helps to surround ourselves with people who will support and challenge us to be the best that we can be. These are true friends who will not sell us short, and who actively encourage us to live in excellence. Just as a medical student will closely associate with other medical students to help achieve his or her goal, just as a businessperson interacts with other businesspeople, so an aspiring spiritualist seeks out the affiliation of like-minded spiritualists.
